My Story (Summarized)

Hi all,

I'm 28M. I attempted NoFap for the first time a year ago in April. I had just broken up with my ex-girlfriend after 4 months of living together. She moved in October 2017 and left middle of February 2018.

I should've figured that something was wrong when, after a fight, I would sneak into the other room at night and jerk off to porn as a way of getting back at her.

In fact, I should've figured that something was wrong when I would drive in the right lane of a highway going 55mph+ with one hand holding the steering wheel and my phone while the other was jerking off to the porn I was watching.

After she left in February, she didn't take all her stuff. So she scheduled to return and grab the rest in April. During the intermediate period, I paid for porn for the first time in my life and started spending more and more time just watching. One aspect I really enjoyed was the 'anxiety-free' experience of being in a sexual situation without any pressure to perform. I'm just watching. Just enjoying.

And some of the 'plots' were much more interesting than just making love to my girlfriend. I was getting into subjects way beyond vanilla. And into formats that didn't even involve real human beings, like drawings etc.

The big realization hit when she finished moving out entirely and the relationship was physically and emotionally over. Now I was passive-aggressively watching porn, but didn't have any target for my aggression. So why was I even engaging in that behavior in the first place?

That's when I got an account on NoFap and went Monk Mode for 3 months. Then on July 3rd I went out with a friend, found a very drunk girl, took her home, and almost got laid. The sexual frustration was killing me.

So within a short while I decided to dip my toes into the water of erotica. Not so bad, right? It's word on a page, not images or videos. That's not really porn, right?

Well, of course, that's just how it started. It wasn't one day after or even one month after. But eventually one night the 'words on a page' no longer cut it, and I wanted something more stimulating. I checked out the web cam girls. That was still not what I used to be into, so it's still ok. Then, that too no longer cut it for me, but I stopped myself before getting back into videos. I could see I was progressing.

That renewed abstinence lasted about a month. Then one day, out of the blue, I was watching videos on YouTube and the random thought occurred to me that I wanted to see whether certain videos pass through the porn filter. So I typed something into the search bar and began watching videos.

And that has led to my most recent few months of starting and stopping, but with no real appreciation of the stopping. More like a prolonged desire of when I will start again.

And every time I start again, I go directly to the bottom. I review everything that crosses my mind. I want to make sure I watch all the 'good stuff.' Get a refresher on my favorites. Because somewhere in my mind I know that I'm going to stop soon and the more quickly I can get through everything the more quickly I can stop again.

I'm done trying on my own, so I've recruited the help of some Accountability Partners again and going back to what worked for me last year. I did 3 months no PMO last year, and I expect to do something similar this year.

The difference being that I was abstained from Orgasm primarily because I was getting over my significant relationship. Now, however, I intend to pursue women, date, and basically enjoy live. I need to find a sufficient substitute for porn, and I am also comfortable with the knowledge that even if I don't find a woman, it will be ok. I have proven I can handle that possibility, and that the world won't end if I don't bust a nut for 3 months.

My hope is that somebody can see themselves in some part of what I am speaking about and that they won't feel so alone or weird. We share a common problem and there is a common solution.