My Story

At one, warm, summer night, as a ten years old boy I discovered something that soon changed my life. I realized that touching the area around my pubes gives me an intense feeling of pleasure. Around five years later I'm laying on my bed, watching consciously a first porn movie ever and ejaculating to it.

Just before my eighteen birthday I'm starting to explore the internet and finding informations about porn addiction and sexual abstinence. Vision of all that super-powers related to it gave me a motivation to try it out. I felt good for a week and relapsed without any sense of grief. Then my approach slowly started to evolve. I decided to give it up completely.

My streaks were short, but I enjoyed staring at my counter and feeling different. I really liked comfort at that time. Staying home all day, playing video-games, watching stupid videos on the internet and wasting my time on online-dating sites. My only responsibility was about going to school. Outside my comfy home... Well, I didn't felt that good. I was shy since I can remember. The only time I saw myself genuinely brave and , was on one video from my childhood, when I was running around with the broken umbrella, hitting everything I could along the way. By time that shyness evolved into severe social anxiety. In primary school I was bullied by some jerks that saw me as an easy target. In home the situation was not better, my father often get himself drunk and terrorized the whole family. I was crying at night, one time I even vomitted because of the intense stress. I lost the sense of security. Felt like a complete loser. I was afraid of things I should not be.

Sexual abstinence became the remedy for my issues. Important exam? I'm staying off the porn sites. High school prom? Hands off the merchandise. Stressful event I'm getting ready for? Semen retention. Placebo effect was always there and I enjoyed feeling like that. I always tried to be someone else, wearing a mask, copying someone else's confidence and body language. I knew that I was funny, inteligent and handsome guy, but I was simply afraid of girls. Real girls.

In terms of online dating I was a master of texting. Girls was asking me why I'm still single? What's wrong with me? I didn't know that this one, particular habit is pulling me down. Jerking-off to their photos was enough for me. Fear was flourishing within me. I missed the great opportunity to approach the girl of my dreams, who also seemed interested, just becuase I was paralyzed by it. I became tired of that.

No motivation to do anything. Learning something new, hanging out with friends or just playing football like in old days. I felt depleted and insecure all the time. I just wanted the time to pass, to spend another exciting night in front of my smartphone screen, exploring new sites, scenes and genres. People around me seemed progressing, getting jobs, pasing the driver license's and creating genuine relationships. I was stucked at one place. Then the day came when I decided to end it up once and for all.

My twenty-first birthday. I was still feeling immature and desperately wanted to do something with my life. I knew that it's necessary, especially now, when I'm so close to rotting up in my house. I did it one, last time. Wanted it to be special, knowing that I will not be able to release the tension that way in the next few months, or maybe even the rest of my life. So, that magical day came and I started my little ritual. Grooming, picking up my best underwear and lucky shirt. Looking at the mirrior, getting my mindset ready for a challenge. The clock struck midnight, I started my counter and fell back to sleep, dreaming about a normal life and the upcoming benefits.

My main enemy was always an imperceptible sense of perfectionism. I ended up relapsing a lot of times because of that. Spending too much time in front of my computer? Relapse. Skipping cold shower or meditation session? No point in going any further. Embarassing myself? Back to square one. This time I promised myself that no matter how bad it will be looking, or how unproductive my days will become... I will keep moving forward.

It's not all about benefits. Ups and downs are natural and often necessary for the growth. I've been feeling like a best version of myself sometimes, while during other days I've been struggling to get out of the bed, staying close to depression and giving up completely. I didn't experienced a flatline, just the withdrawal symptoms, which were really intensive in times. Your brain will try everything to convince you to head back into old habits. Urges, crippling thoughts, brain fog... It's part of the process.

I tried some other things as well, to speed up my recovery. Cold showers, meditation sessions, daily work-out, reading books, taking supplements, journalising, trying to be open-minded and aware of the world around me... It really helped. Besides of that, I knew that stepping out of my comfort zone is necessary to really make a difference. I started to get out of the house, taking a bike trips around my neighbourhood and even attending parties with my closest friends. Socially anxious guy, who suddenly started to appear as a soul of the company and bellwether of every social event... I know how it's sounds like, but it's true. I beat my biggest fear, which was driving a car. I'm confident behind the wheel and looking forward to finally get a driver license. To celebrate ninety days of freedom I decided to go for a ninety kilometers trip on my bike. Promised myself that if I will be able to complete it, I will achieve anything I want in my life. I've been fighting with myself for half a way, struggling and feeling intensive ache in my muscles and joints. Determination was leading me forward. I was too tired to give a damn about people around me. I've completed it and for a reward I've switched a cold shower for a hot bath for the first time since a three months. I won. I'm the living example that this lifestyle is working.

I started to feel real emotions, exploring my spirituality more, showing gratefulness... I finally feel alive, not numbed. After a three months of successful streak I also kissed a real girl, for the first time in my life. I felt genuine connection at that moment, it was unbelievable experience. Now, I see loneliness somewhat differently. I'm seeking the psychological support, rather than physical pleasure. Girls are no longer a walking pieces of meat for me, I developed real respect for them. I'm motivated to get out to the world and take what's mine.

Every men at some point of his life should consider taking upon himself some responsibility. Sacrificing some part of their soul, testing their true potentials. It's not about becoming a celebrity overnight. It's not the legendary pill, that will make you invincible and free from concerns. It's rather a simple tool. You can make use of it, or hit yourself with it directly in your face, wondering what went wrong. It's definitely worth a shot. If you're seeking a purpose of your life, or feeling that it's all pointless, give it a try. Develop some respect for yourself, create a discipline around you and see what happens.

I made it because I really wanted it to happen. That chapter of my life is over, I could pass-out now, smiling to myself that I died as a free man. I'm incredibly grateful to this community for a constant support and flow of motivation, especially at the darkest moments. Someday I will be remembering it fondly. Now it's time to move on.

It's not over yet, in fact it's just the beginning.