My strange addiction/sexual perversion

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by Deleted Account, Mar 24, 2019.

  1. I really do appreciate you taking the time to read and support me through this tough time. Change is painful but oh so worth it. Will do! lol
  2. Oh, the ways the Spirit speaks. This song just came on as I was about to watch some more provocative YouTube content (sexual Reddit stories and Lady Gaga music videos). Acting on fleeting curiosities/revisiting the toxic parts of my past like this has never lead me down wholesome roads yet I still find myself pushing that realization away in my head. Even beginning to think through the negative repercussions as I compromise immediately convicts me. I’m just thankful for God’s patience and kindness in ripping me out of that close call. One week in!!

    Attached Files:

  3. Over the course of the last two days, I’ve come so close to edging but haven’t pushed myself over the edge into physical stimulation. I strangely find it easier at this point to see the positives of abstinence as crotch pain comes around. Getting back into the strict mindset of not touching should be helpful in the long run.
    It’s hard to keep on going these days with the stress of not living up to the expectations of my boss and the opportunities I push away to connect at small group. Engrained patterns of procrastination restrain me from being the established person I want to be.
    I crave the relationships that felt so right but aren’t right for me from the other week. I’ve gone to the extent of trying to meet my needs here with interactions on NoFap/social media and anthro art that pops up (just for the ‘cuteness’, not to entertain twisted fantasies).
    ‘I could lie and say I like it like that...
    But nothing is better sometimes
    Once we’ve both said our goodbyes
    Let’s just let it go
    And let me let you go’
    -quote by Finneas O'Connell
  4. This song (‘CAGES’ by Needtobreathe) has been a huge source of clarity and conviction in my situation with establish myself as the person God wants me to be. I can abstain all I want from acting on temptations from the past, but it’s all practically pointless if I’m not giving those desires to God in total surrender. Probably everyone who’s been honest with themselves of what they’re investing in can relate to this. May God be you!

    ‘I'm a broke-nose fighter
    I'm a loose-lipped liar
    Searching for the edge of darkness
    But all I get is just tired

    I went looking for attention
    In all the wrong places
    I was needing a redemption
    And all I got was just cages

    If I'm being real honest
    I'm fighting uphill battles
    I can't seem to find the right light
    'Cause I've been living in the shadows

    I went looking for attention
    In all the wrong places
    I was seeking recognition
    But all I got was just cages

    Looking back on all the wreckage
    All I see is their faces
    How many hearts have I broken?
    And tell me, are they still breaking?

    I went looking for attention
    In all the wrong places
    I was needing a redemption
    Get me out of these cages

    Oh, I had a bright white dream
    Oh, It was pulling on me
    Oh, 'till I was almost dead
    Oh, here in these cages

    There's a window in this cage I'm in
    I can see what kind of man that I've been
    I'm in a prison for a man gone wrong
    But I've found a future, this is not my home

    We're a band of outsiders
    Spend our whole life chasing
    Trying to climb a little higher
    But the high just faded

    Went looking for attention
    In all the wrong places
    We were needing a redemption
    All we got was just cages’
  5. I gave in yesterday. I want out.
  6. You slipped up, what caused it? Incorporate this into your plan and go farther this time.
  7. I believe it was a combination of consuming provocative media (no porn) and allowing myself to wallow in grief that made it easier to justify failing again. Thank you for asking that question, it’s always helpful to take a step back and see the problem for what it is. Here I go again!
  8. llortaton

    llortaton Fapstronaut

    My Journal
    You aren't gay... You aren't sexually attracted to furries ... you aren't Bi.

    You're just addicted and confused... - we've all been there.
    Deleted Account likes this.
  9. I agree 100%, thank you for that reminder! It’s much appreciated.
  10. plzrlzme

    plzrlzme Fapstronaut

    Seems to me like fear of your God is only making things worse, but you do you, homie. Just breathe into a paper sack and take a step back for a moment tho.

    There's nothing inherently wrong with having sex while wearing a costume. Even in the context of your faith, which I am assuming is one of the many iterations of Christianity, there is literally nothing in the Bible that says you can't wear costumes to bed. I've actually read it and it definitely does not say that.

    You have a path to redemption.

    If you actually treat someone well as a person, and they really like having sex with you and feel safe with you, there is a near 100% chance that they are going to be excited to wear a costume to bed that you find sexy. Even if it makes them look like a Zootopia character. Just, you know, don't choose someone more closely related than a second cousin. Jesus doesn't like that.

    Honestly, the only weird thing about being a furry is that you are making it weird. I mean, it's not the kind of thing you should tell people at work, but if you have cool friends you should at least be able to make jokes about it at parties. Your parents don't need to know about your sexual orientation unless you plan on bringing home someone they would otherwise be unprepared for. That's really the only time your sex life is any of their business.
    Deleted Account likes this.
  11. Thank you so much for your time and thoughts. I really appreciate you reaching out like this! To give a little more context, I find myself being lead away from the fandom as it was essentially an echo chamber for attention-seeking and what exposed me to these sexualities/fetishes that I believe are explicitly sinful. There was also a big case of moderation issues with the whole fursona gig/escaping into a fantasy world where outcasts could find (insufficient online) community.
    I wasn’t especially interested in anthro animals before my first orgasm (more about that in my first post) and don’t want to invest myself in the fandom if I’m not in it for mere admiration of the characters. I don’t have a wife yet and can only see roleplay as a slippery slope into madness.
    This is just where I am right now, thank you again for reaching out! It’s so helpful to hear a variety of outsider views on this situation. May I know what you mean by my fear of God progressing this?
    Last edited by a moderator: May 14, 2019
  12. plzrlzme

    plzrlzme Fapstronaut

    You are obsessed with the idea that being a furry is sinful and it is feeding these cycles of PMO and self-loathing. I think that the "wrongness" of the idea in your mind is part of the thrill for you.

    Even when you write about it on this site there are sexual or fetishistic undertones in every post. You keep backsliding or seeking out triggering content while making these grandiose appeals to your God. It seems from the outside like you don't want to stop fantasizing about it, but you want your God to think you are trying to stop.

    If your God is real, which is a topic for discussion somewhere else, you aren't going to fool him with false repentance. Stay the hell (pun intended) away from anything resembling triggering content. Get real about your recovery.
    Deleted Account likes this.
  13. Wow. You’re not wrong. :/
  14. I find myself really struggling with self-hatred right now since I willingly listened to some depressing songs to wallow in self-pity. This is a pattern that’s been slowly developing for a while in thinking that I was only helping myself understand what I was experiencing. My inability to stop thinking about anthros/people I’m unethically attracted to and dramatizing failures in life have been teased with the good old suicidal fantasies (these have been a long term struggle as well). I’m just sick and tired of constantly dealing with these weights around my legs, how the proverbial waters seduce. There remains hope in the future along with attainable progress. I just need to continue accepting that standing before God in Heaven in His time holds true relief.
  15. Looking back on this journal, I can see progress that has been made in the war against the flesh. But. I want to tread further and smarter across this battlefield with victory peaking through the clouds. My entries from before are so self-observed and I don’t want to be the person who wrote those words anymore. I shouldn’t be ok with the disillusionment of accepting my ‘defining’ sexual confusion. Entitlement to people’s constant attention cannot and should not stay alive. Today is a new day. One step at a time.
  16. I’m such a mess. I want to head out to a fucking furry conversion as soon as I have the license to drag myself up to one. I’m ok with the thought of organizing a meetup behind my parents’ back. I know I’d end up trying to quench the deepest thirst known to man with... cartoon animals. I know I’d end up with a smashed testimony that isn’t looking pretty. I know that these people will either invite me into an echo chamber or treat me like the outcast I am. I just can’t stop fantasizing of the cuteness, the community, the sex. I don’t want to be me anymore.
    I need people to talk to and actually be there for, not give vague advice to over chats and behind those masks. Why do I want the approval of these people who are just going to puff me up and drag me down? I’m attracted to animals, men, children, feet, giantism, practically everyone in my life. I crumble internally if I don’t get my fix of people in fursuits, cartoon avatars, those who give validation. The escalation of these struggles in my life undoubtedly have come from the summer of 2016, the permanent perversion of my conscience. Entertaining these trifles got me where I am today, this self-centered man who messes everything up and wants fulfillment in all the wrong places.
    PlanetJuniper likes this.
  17. Take a deep breath. You can get through this. Re-read your thread here and get your strength back.
  18. Wow man, your addiction is indeed weird. I would say it is nearly impossible to revert fantasies but if you don't give attention to them, they will fade away. They will always will be there and you will always be aroused to them but if you keep not giving attention to them, you won't care about them as much. So just accept them, but don't give attention. Most importantly, don't force yourself to not think it since it will cause you to think it more. Hope the best!
    Deleted Account likes this.
  19. Thank you so much, will do!
  20. Yup. That reality is honestly terrifying to me but I can’t escape it (for now, at least). :/ I’ll try my hardest to stop trying my hardest in blocking the fantasies out. Thanks for commenting and reminding of the power of acceptance/a positive mindset. I wish you the best as well.
    PlanetJuniper likes this.

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