My struggle with porn for 13 years has reached a breaking point for me

I didn't really explain my problem with porn thoroughly in my introduction as it didn't seem entirely appropriate for it, but a month later my problems with porn have begun to feel even worse. It's one many of you have heard time and again based on the number of posts I've encountered on this forum regarding it, but even seeing other people's struggles and possible recovery stories wasn't enough to help me I'm afraid.

I mentioned before that I had been watching and viewing porn since I was 13 or so, and of course at that time it was great, right? Always seems to great at the beginning. However even at that time looking back I'd say the problem showed it's early signs there, as I always and to this day continue to avoid porn with other men in it. I'm not gay and didn't want to see women having sex with other men, so the male physique being right in view revolted me. At the same time I still wanted to see that full experience of a woman getting that full blast of pleasure, which led me down the rabbit hole of futanari/dickgirls/whatever you want to call them. Keep in mind this was 2009 or 10 so my pickings of such content were pretty slim back then, mostly all drawings and animations plus old hentai and doujins, eventually settling in rule34.xxx but at the same time it appealed to me, able to see two beautiful women get the full experience, I thought it was so hot. However, I was still able to view porn of solo real women and pop a full erection and enjoy seeing them.

Fast forward 13 years to now and that's no longer the case. I'm a depressed, lonely, virgin, who can't get more than a partially hard erection to women, while now the only thing that gets me hard and able to ejaculate a lot is transwoman/transexual porn. This has left me emotionally distraught lately, and after one masturbation session I even felt tears welling up that I can't express myself fully at a normal woman anymore (I know some will think I sound transphobic for wording it like this but please just let me be). I just want to make it clear I have no genuine attraction to transexual women, which is why the fact I can only get fully erect to them so devastating, and I worry I've developed some conditioning that induces erectile dysfunction to some degree because of it, the whole PIED I see brought up here often. I watched transexual porn on occasion during the previous 13 years but not to the extent of fictional futanari porn, but I fear that left the same imprinting on me.

I just want to stop. I want to be able to go back to the person who was able to fully enjoy the normal sights of women without having to see the visual of a dick on a woman's body just to get hard. My porn use extends further in the sense that I feel I can't go one day without masturbating, so the problem just compounds onto itself everyday. I've developed HOCD from it all which I've read is also common with porn use, as is the escalation to viewing transwoman porn at all, so I suppose I take some solace in that I'm not the only one that's experienced or struggling with this. I fear that I'll never go back to my old self, or better yet, go back to my old self without the need to view pornography at all. It's all so mentally exhausting and I feel I can't bring it up to my friends or family out of shame, and because it would hurt them to know I struggle with it to the extent I do.

I've spoken with a therapist about it, but I'm not entirely certain she understood my problem, she seems to think I'm using porn as a way to cope with my failure to procure relationships with girls when I was younger, which yeah that was part of why I used porn at all. I have another appointment with her tomorrow so hopefully I can better expound upon my problem to her, and also pray that she doesn't just say I'm secretly gay or bisexual, because I'm genuinely not. I swear to you all I'm not, I have no sexual interest in other men, and even though I have a seeming addiction to transexual porn, I would never want to date or have sex with one. I want to be able to meet a genetic woman that I find irresistible someday, but as I am now I can't.

I don't expect to be magically cured of my addiction through one piece of advice or anything, but I feel better outlining my problem, hopefully among people that have suffered similarly to me and overcome it. I just can't go on like this, feeling like I've become something I'm not, and know for a fact I didn't used to be even a few short years ago. I've been depressed for a long time, and this certainly hasn't helped matters, now I just hate myself for what I've become even more.

Thanks anyone that took the time to read this far. Good luck on your own journey to recovering from porn addiction if you haven't yet.

 

I'm not as physically active as I want to be for sure. Having something like that to distract myself from the urge would be beneficial but often times it's not something as easily viable for me to engage in during a time where it might be occuring. And perhaps my brain is wired to that kind of content now but I know for a time it certainly wasn't. I've been a depressed shut-in for a while now but not terribly long ago when I was getting out more I was still able to get fully aroused to women just fine, so this all definitely feels like a recent phenomenon for me, and isn't how I'd naturally be if I hadn't consumed porn like it for so long. I and my therapist believe I turned to it out of a coping mechanism for being rejected by girls in my teen years, and the type of porn I viewed was primarily so I wouldn't have to see other men. And now I suffer from hocd so that worked out swimmingly huh?

It's come to a head over the past few months and is tormenting me enough that I decided to come here just to at least get my problem out rather than holding it bottled in forever and getting no support. I think I just want to talk it out more than anything now, at least that would be a better way of occupying the time over turning to the porn again.