My success story, that may not even sound like a success story .

I am 33 days without PMO. I am 31, and I've been using porn as a coping mechanism since I've been 10 years old. 2/3rds of my life I've used porn to make me feel safe, secure, special , important, not alone etc. 2/3rds of my life I've lied not only to literally everyone who knew me , but most importantly myself.
33 days ago my fiance found out through my phone ( dont blame her for looking , I made he feel like I was hiding something ) that I had spent 3,200 on a famous pornstar escort while I was in NYC for my job .
Which devestated her . I thought I lost her for good. After she found out she asked me , and has asked me more then 10 times since if there was anything else I needed to tell her. Every single time I said no, that was it.
Little at this point did she know that what she knew was only the tip of the iceberg. I felt like I couldnt tell her everything because she would of for sure left me , and not allowed me to see my 16 month old boy. I thought I would lose her, my son, the house we just bought we would have to sell .
In reality for the past month of being sober with PMO I've been withholding the rest of what I did while I was in a relationship with her. When she was 4 months pregnant with our son. I went to a rub and tug , I went to a run in tug literally right before I went to the hotel room of the NYC escort ( because I needed to let out the first orgasm so I didn't cum too fast . Crazy right ?) There was another escort I bought when I traveled through Montreal that was also combine with MDMA, and another random rub and tug somewhere In there too.
I felt like I couldn't tell her any of that for fear of losing my family. For the past month of recovery I read affirmation morning and night. And a big one on there is " today I will be honest , and today I was honest " everytime I read that words cannot describe the gut wrenching feeling I felt everytime I read that out loud. Because every day I was NOT being honest. What I realize is I told her the truth about anything I thought wouldn't have any affect on her decision on whether or not she was going to leave me or not . But any question she asked that I knew the answer may sway her the way I didn't want her to go I lied about it. I was still lying to her, with new lies because I will STILL lying to her.
She asked me a question 2 nights ago whether I had any contact with the NYC escort after the rendevouz, I said absolutely not . That was a lie. I lied because I feared that would sway her into thinking that it was more than just sex. There was emotion. So I lied.
I was having a horrible day yesterday. Looking back I was starting to feel guilty and shameful because I lied to her the night before, and Still lying about the entire story she didn't know about. Last night I told her that I lied about the contact after the rendevouz . And she was so upset. It boggled her mind why I would even lie about something so small and stupid in comparison to what I've already come clean about. Then she asked me for the 10-12th time . " Is there anything else I need to know ". I knew I had to unload all of it . Knowing very well that this is probably going to absolutely destroy the work she has done for herself this past month, and bring her right back to what she felt with the initial event. I know this would most likely be too much shit for her to keep trying to support me, and try to regain some trust.
But I knew if I have ANY chance in hell defeating this addiction . I had to let go of the control. I had to put it all on the table and whatever happens, happens .
Last night when I got back to the place I've been staying I looked in the mirror , and read my affirmation " Today I was honest ".
Words cannot describe this feeling also . Saying that , and not having that gut wrenching feeling that you know you're still lying .
I don't know what will be the end result of any of this. I don't know if she will be my wife anymore , or we will just have to co-parent from now on . But I know two things. 1) whatever the way it turns out ... Eventually I'll be ok . And 2) after everything I've done to her and everyone in my family ... I cannot let this all be for nothing. I will beat this . Not for her, or my son . But for me.

For anyone who flip flops on whether you should tell your SO the whole story or not. For fear of how they will react and what they will do . You're relationship I feel, doesn't have a chance in hell until you out everything on the table and maybe for once in your life, be honest to the man/ woman in the mirror. Or else you're just gonna keep Lying about stuff , because you're STILL LYING ABOUT STUFF.

God,
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change , the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

 

Thanks everyone ! Now 10 days further since this post. I can safely say that the moment I told her literally everything is the moment i started to really recover. I can't describe the sense of peace I have within myself . I've realized that I've been used to lying ....about everything . And I still find myself lying about the tiniest things. But when I realize what I did. I tell my fiance .
For example I told her the other day I went to bed and I brought the blanket from upstairs with me. That was a lie. I left that blanket there, and just used the ones on the bed . So a few hours later I told her that . She would of never known I even lied. ....but I would of...