My vices have been exposed. Public shame is leaving me hopeless/suicidal

Discussion in 'Compulsive Sexual Behavior' started by thelastuchiha, Feb 8, 2023.

  1. thelastuchiha

    thelastuchiha New Fapstronaut

    22M student in Canada. For years i've battled with pornography addiction which led to very dark fetishes (gilfs, ghetto, trashy...etc) this eventually led to encounters with escorts. I've been aware of my problems, and have been trying to fix them for so long.

    Last year I was renting a basement apartment where the internet was provided. I stayed in this basement for about 3 years battling my mental health and addictions. I'm not sure what caused it, but one day the landlord and her family decided to view my internet search history. They saw all my struggles, all my embarrassing ask reddit questions, all my insecurities, the escort sites, and the dirty porn.

    I was called every name in the book. The words stung and hurt like crazy. There were even plans to make these things public, but I was ultimately let off the hook because the mother could see how hard I was trying to be better. The kids (in their late 20's) and the dad hated me though.

    Fast forward to this year. I found a student residence place. I was doubling down on my addiction and was trying to hit the gym more. My mental health was also slowly improving. I even found an accountability buddy from reddit. I still struggled with porn, but it was way better. I would visit escort sites once in awhile and book, but always cancel. I was making steady progress.

    Keep in mind this residence has cameras in the kitchen and hallways. Its essentially your normal townhouse converted into a student residence.

    I'm naturally a weird person and do weird things when im by myself (hands in my pants, talk to myself, dance etc....) and I naturally look like im dumb. One day I decided to take abit of a residents sauce (I replaced it the next day and told him) but the owner was mad because she saw how many times I order food (300-500$ worth one week)

    Ordering food is a habit i have been trying to knock, but on camera It just looks like im a degenerate.

    She decided to leak this footage to other residents and God knows who else. It has now become viral on campus, and maybe even my neighborhood. Every little stupid, gross, weird thing I do alone was visible to a vast amount of people. Me flexing in the mirror, my naked self leaving the washroom, me opening cabinets that aren't mine, me sniffing peoples food, me entering my PERSONAL passwords/emails on camera.

    Worst of all is one day I came downstairs and opened my laptop infront of the cameras only to have the most vile porn from the night before pop up. I wsnt really paying attention and started looking at other videos aswell and also browsed an escort site on camera. It was like something came over me.

    everyday I can hear people in the streets calling me an idiot, a retard, a fat ass, a freak, a weirdo. Weirdo is the most common theme. I've been recognized at the gym, and on campus. I'm talked about frequently.

    What's worse is that people had access to my google accounts/youtube and also my messages with my accountability buddy. Everyone now knows I lost my virginity to an escort and have issues with my self esteem/escorts/porn.

    I remember watching twerking videos on youtube and accidently stumbling upon cp, now im worried everybody fucking thinks im a pedophile also.

    I'm in such a bad spotlight, and everybody thinks im an absolute degenrate and weirdo. Its worse because of how poorly I look (bad clothes, messy hair, bad hygiene) all things I was working on.

    I can hear people constantly trying to debate if im a good guy/weirdo/bad guy/freak because they also see all my self improvement stuff. I dont understand how I could be so dumb to land myself in this situation again.

    Only my friends support me because they know im a normal guy with bad vices. They have known me long enough.

    My life is over, I can only hope I do not get defamed at my job. My only hope at the moment is to move in a remote country with my remote job.

    I don't know why people get into other peoples business' without knowing wtf is going on.

    Im scared that all this footage will be viral in my city(toronto) I've moved back home where my family and friends are.

    I want to kill myself so badly.
  2. Mr.Chips

    Mr.Chips Fapstronaut

    Hi buddy,

    I'm sorry for this, it must be really hard and disappointing from these people who interfere in others' lives negatively.

    But don't ever think about killing yourself, you are much better than that, you are much better than these people who put their efforts to expose you to public instead of supporting you or cover it up(you didn't cause harm to anyone norr shared anything from that to your environment).

    I don't know about the laws and regulation where yoy live and how they treat exposing security cameras of residence to public by the manager's will.

    But in anyway I would suggest you to calm now and stop thinking much. Isolate yourself from those people and that area if possible for a while.

    Live your life as nothing happened but correct the mistakes you have done, especially in terms of privacy.. Use VPN, change the weird habits. And know that you are not alone. You are trying to stoo this addiction, while those who insult you find porn and masturbation a proud thing to talk about.

    You are better than them.

    And keep working on Nofap. You can end it and you will. Many people will stand with you and feel you.

    And seek help from your friends and the community. Just never be helpless and never give up.
    SV47, Jefe Rojo, Vicit_fidem and 2 others like this.
  3. PrinceDaniel

    PrinceDaniel Fapstronaut

    Damn, I do not really know what so say. The only advice I can give you is that this too shall pass. Everything in life is temporary and no matter how bad it gets, it was eventually go away. At the age of 21 I tried to kill myself. Luckily, my body fought for me and survived. Now, 5 years later, I wish I would have never done it, and I know for a fact that if the same problems I had back then occured right now, I would be a much stronger man. All your disadvantages, the bullying, your addictions and failures happened for a reason. The beatings I took in life created my character, and for that I am grateful.

    Whatever you are about to do is your choice and your choice alone. And the only thing I can do is to share my own story and tell you what I would have done in your situation. I believe that the situation you are in right now, is a sign from God/nature to grant you the opportunity of starting all over again.

    Move to another city, change the way you look, get your life together, and leave the past behind.

    I wish you good fortune in the weeks to come. ❤️
    Mara is back, SV47, Jefe Rojo and 3 others like this.

  4. I’m sorry dude. I’ve had this battle in High School and appearance was a big part of it. I always knew people were talking about me and even close friends at parted ways with.

    I saw some light on your story… Someone knew you are a deep down good guy aside from all of these problems. That woman that saw something inside of you knew you were a good guy. Take that as a jolt of fucking confidence man. If I had people come up and tell me that more to my face. I could tackle so much more in life and feel respected.

    Secondly my brother I know as cheesy as this may sound but we’re not all perfect. Neither are the people who troll you and talk about your porn problems. The trouble with society today is that most people judge a person on an action but do we know who they really are inside? Not at all..

    Those people aren’t perfect.

    I would continue hitting up the gym and working on a healthy diet and trust me after two weeks it will clear up your mind. You’ll feel better about your self….

    I just want to say that’s crazy living conditions especially with a place that has internet access for free which Ive never heard of… But brother I think you need to get out of there.
    Mara is back, SV47 and thelastuchiha like this.
  5. IR254

    IR254 Fapstronaut

    This all sounds super strange.

    Like how is this even possible? Even when the internet is provided, they may be able to log which websites you visit but not the exact documents (i.e. webpages) you view. Even if they had like Wireshark captures. So, they might now you visit Reddit a lot, but they won't see what exactly you viewed. Pretty much any website today uses protocols like https, which is encrypted. Or did they have access to your PC? If so, why? They have no business whatsoever to look at your PC.

    Why in the world would the owner of the place you're renting care if you order food a lot. As long as you pay your rent on time, where's the problem exactly. Like, wat?

    That might as well be a criminal offense. You can't just leak security footage like it's nothing.

    That might as well be another criminal offense. You can't just log in to other peoples accounts randomly. Also, Google does a relatively good job to stop that from happening, even if the credentials are correct.

    How the hell do you stumble across CP while watching twerking videos on youtube? Like how? How does that even work?

    Like, I don't know man.
  6. Dr.J_76ers

    Dr.J_76ers Fapstronaut

    Nobody is going to remember this.

    The thing is you're "famous" now. So, you have to deal with added criticism. But if you be a little more attentive and work on improving yourself, some people are going to notice that and stop criticizing you while the other people are going to forget.

    I know what you mean when you say people think you're dumb in certain situations. When I was younger, I was in the same boat.
    BodhiTree and thelastuchiha like this.
  7. thelastuchiha

    thelastuchiha New Fapstronaut

    I know it sounds crazy. Even when I first tried to explaining it to friends everyone thought I was a sczhio, but I assure you these things freaking happened and It makes me feel like the world just hates me.

    The shared internet at the basement apartment confused me so much. I have no idea how they were seeing my search history, but I assure you they were. This was confirmed by a heartfelt statement by my landlord before leaving.

    The residence is a townhouse owned by a chinese woman. She and 2 other residents monitor the cameras. Its mostly for international students and not affiliated with the school.

    The cp was just a video of a kid dancing. I stupidly decided to watch some random twerking playlist put together by someone on youtube. I was clicking through the videos and noticed like 3 of them were just little kids dancing. Freaked out.

    Ive honestly just realized the public despises our vice. We are seen as weak and helpless. People dont feel bad for us at all. They are quick to destroy us vs someone who is dealing with something more "acceptable" like alcohol.
    Last edited: Feb 9, 2023
  8. Long Range

    Long Range Fapstronaut

    I agree with IR254, this is a strange story.

    But assuming its true, firstly you should try to quit watching porn of course. But if you relapse, get your own laptop and password protect it. If you are using their wifi, use VPN and get some headphones. Also change all of your passwords at a minimum.

    Also, there is nothing wrong with ordering food, just clean up after yourself and no one will care how much you order.
  9. recoome

    recoome Fapstronaut

    your friends support you. thats important.

    almost everyone watches porn. in youth the urges are super strong so its okay.

    u didnt kill anyone.

    its difficult but dont let this incident ruin ur life.
    UpgradeTime likes this.
  10. I'm very sorry to hear about your struggles. I am proud that you seem to be trying to recover and improve. It seems like your privacy has been wrongfully violated a lot. You also seem to have been subjected to a lot of fatphobia.

    Where I live, people sympathize with prostitutes yet prostitution is illegal. My own sister told me she was watching a video about why prostitution should be legal. Yet I can barely talk to my family about my sexual addiction struggles. My sister seems to unsupportive or apathetic towards it. Imagine a society that approves of prostitutes (criminals in my city) yet shame and don't aid recovering porn addicts. Perverted and sexist.
    Last edited: Feb 10, 2023
    recoome likes this.
  11. kropo82

    kropo82 Fapstronaut

    @thelastuchiha, I do not have any advice, sorry, but I did want to thank you for posting your experiences. They have reminded me of something about this addiction: I want to be the person in private who I would be proud to be known as. It's hard to be that person, but let's support each other as we try.
  12. 277joe

    277joe Fapstronaut

    Shit, this is horrendous. I always think 'normal' people have at least some decency or respect for privacy or just for another person going through a bad patch, but the problem is that all it takes is one morally dubious person to leak stuff like this and then you're permanently scarred.

    This is what I am terrified of and causes me anxiety all the time, having a big fetish for women's feet and having done things for thrills (nothing exactly illegal, just weird, like getting close to women's feet or asking them surveys about their shoes, back in the day it was taking candid videos).

    The thing is I don't particularly care what people think of me, AS LONG AS I HAVE A COUPLE OF GOOD FRIENDS. But what I am extremely scared about is being at the stage where I potentially lose a job or can't get a job due to people 'all knowing about me' BY NAME. There's this weird space where you don't have a criminal record but you're still regarded as a local weirdo and people don't want anything to do with you. I've always been an introverted person and am fine with my own company, but I need to be able to support myself financially to live in this world and have some level of enjoyment from life. If word gets around and my work is affected it would be hell for me.

    I didn't even care about people at college knowing about me, maybe some seeing me recording girls feet in the library, whatever. I was young and didn't really care. Also I knew I wouldn't live in that town long-term, so I enjoyed experimenting and just enjoying my fetish in different ways. But recently someone called me a name in public and since then I've become very paranoid and imagining I can hear people even at work talking about me.

    I have to search facebook all the time to see is anyone is aware of/mentioning me. Never seen anything but from some of my experiences with being beeped at/heckled in public I am positive that there must be something about me somewhere online.
    thelastuchiha likes this.
  13. Strugglestreet

    Strugglestreet Fapstronaut

    Just got a couple of things to say to you brother.

    1. Get a VPN. I use ExpressVPN. I use it always - not just for porn but for everything. Fuck anyone knowing my business.

    2. This will pass. The way the world is today NOTHING stays in the headlines long. There’s a NEW THING every single day. Do not spend any mental energy on this. You think everyone is watching you because it’s on your mind. They’re not. Of course there’ll be a few dickheads, but for the most part people are just living their lives.

    This will pass brother. All of us are fucked up in our own way. You’d be surprised - some of the people you think that really have their shit together are often the most fucked up.

    You do you my man. All you can do is try and be better than you were yesterday. One day at a time.
    Long Range likes this.
  14. Bmace

    Bmace New Fapstronaut

    Dude... I'm going to give you some tough love.

    Stop everything.
    Some people are just more messed up than those here. The hearts of men are evil. The worse thing is so is the internet.
    You do not have to live in a remote place to be remote.
    Stop with the Cameras and filming. Stop with the youtube. Let it be a total reset, who ever leaked that shit is horrible, but you can't blame those who saw it.
    You need to learn to live with the basics.
    Get off the internet for a while.
    You can be a nerd nothing is wrong with that.
    But find a way to quit take, learn to get in contact with yourself physically... that is other ways than sexually, and spiritually pick up religion.
    You might be trying to take things out of your life... But you got to put something else in, in this case a lot.
    Instead of therapist, hire a life coach... They might seem like a waste of money.
    But they will get you to actually work on yourself not just sit and talk.
  15. Mmx

    Mmx New Fapstronaut

    First of all, I'm sorry to hear that you've had to endure this. Sharing a video of someone online without their consent is a massive privacy breach and really ought to be prosecutable under the law. Having cameras in common resident areas is not exactly unheard of but there should be limits to what happens with that footage. You can go to the police and try and get some advice, especially if you are aware of the source of the leak/have receipts.

    I have also been in a similar situation where I was extorted after sharing some nudes with someone. I didn't ascquience to their demands but I knew this was a dark slippery slope. Unfortunately it can be hard to block out things that have happened to you when people are talking about things behind your back. You just focus on the best parts of you, and if anyone questions, you can walk away or explain that you've been in a bad place but are trying hard to work on that, and that people have been trying to give you a hard time along the way.
    Dr.J_76ers likes this.
  16. hhh999

    hhh999 Fapstronaut

    We shouldn't shame or hate prostitutes OR porn addicts. Prostitutes are usually people who are at a low point in their lives, and, just like us, need help, not criminalization. I doubt that porn addiction would go away in society if watching porn was made illegal.

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