My way through sissy hell and 50 days of freedom

Hey man. Thank you for reading through all of this and for your wonderful support. You're so right! Stay awesome

 

Hello guys. I haven't been here for last few months and to be honest it went downhill with me. So I am here today to start this fight again and become better version of myself. Wish me luck and the best to you!

 

Congrats to your success. I am really happy for you and I am excited to get back on the right track.

 

Hello my friends. I screwed bad, very very bad last few days. I had a terible fight with my wife this weekend. I guess i didn't handle it well. She didn't speak to me for last few days so i came back to my old habit.

We fought about me family we were visiting through the weekend. It didnt go well so the fight came up. We had some smaller fights through the weekend.

When we ended back at home, she seemed to be fine. On the other hand i tried to polite the whole weekend and at sunday night i started to be annoying. I became self-pittying, over-apologising. I put my emotions on display, which always enfuryate my wife.

The next day she didnt lose a word with me. I acconpanied her on her way to the job. In subway i made a silly farewell dance (its kinda our thing) and she didnt even look at me. I am not gona lie. I sat there and cried in a crowded subway station.

Then i picked myself up go home and go wild. I M-ed several times that day and when i was sick of it and was no urge a M-ed one more time.

I dont have to say i didnt do much work that day.

The sutiation with my wife became better. But anyway. Today i didnt pmo, but i still watched some P slideshow as an background just because I can. And although i feel much better today i definitely not am in shape.

I have to go back to my routine and become better me overal.

So thats my situation. Thanks for being here with me and reading my post i really apretiate it. Love u guys

 

Did I say the situation with my wife is better. Oh boy I was so wrong. She is furious and crazy. It tears me appart and driving me crazy.

 

@Daneiiiil
Hey man. Thanks for your post. I really like the way you think. The beer and spirit thing is really accurate.
At this point i worry more about the fight than my addiction, but its connected anyway. I am not any better with P.

Anyway even if i know all the stuff you talked about - one think is to know and the other is feel it and act on this. Because thats the hardest part. But it gets better as we keep ourself clean.
By now i am not really bothered by sissy stuff. And i consider it my biggest victory. But its hard to get rid off the other shit. For a while I thought i handled it but i fall back to that mud again and again.

 

Hey guys. I wasn't here for more than 2 years I guess, but recently I hit the rock bottom again and decided it's time to get back on track and fight this naughty shit again.
Generaly I got back to P consumption and PMO, but I thought I do it in moderation and that is not a big deal. That I successfuly recovered and so it okay to ocasionaly enjoy some guilty pleasure. And it was okay for quite a while I guess.
But there's no healty amount of PMO for a person with my history. The slope is slippery as hell and I was back to some hardcore-shit faster than I know.

The absolute bottom happened last week. My wife was out of town for a few days and I had a "session".

Spoiler: Warning, potential triggers!!!

I ordered tons of stuff - sextoys, lingerie, even some medical aids as urinal catheters and stuff. I also locked myself into a chastity cage and then... Well lets say I did stuff I am really ashamed for, for several days in a row, sometimes drunk, sometimes high on weed. With no release - I was saving it for some grand finale... I was not sure what it should be, but I was determined to abuse myself to the extreme.

I was "in the best" (understand worst), when I suddenly realized that I am seriously disgusted by myself. Without finishing I took all the dirty stuff I bought (I spent a little fortune on them) and threw them to the garbage container (few blocks away from my house, I was really terrified that someone finds them). I felt really determined at the moment and honestly it felt great.

The great determination washed away after few days. I am still sober, but it's really hard to fight the urges. I feel that I am obsessed with this sh*t again and it's always in my mind. I am afraid, that I'll relapse at the moment I have the opportunity. It just feels like there's still some stuff I want to try and I won't be calm until I try them. But with this stuff there's always some next level, some new stuff to try. And if I submit to it, there's bottomless abyss with no return. No thanks.

That's why I resist today. Thats why I stay sober tomorrow... Fu*k this sh*t.