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My Wife is My Biggest Obstacle

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by RiverBlue, May 19, 2021.

  1. Ekhangel

    Ekhangel Fapstronaut

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    I can perfectly relate to OP. The relationship with my wife wouldn't be all flowers too historically, with incidents involving physical violence, insults, humiliation on her part (she comes from a "troubled background" but otherwise is a great person) etc. Paradoxically, in the face of the worst adversity I would usually remain calm and not act out, but then when things got better, I would respond with deep sadness and concealed revengefulness to any minor signs of her emotional instability (that occasionally show up in many humans, including myself). This would sometimes lead me to short porn watching sessions as a pathetic and not really helpful means of self-medication. I guess the idea we have in the back of our heads when we do it is "hey there, I'll show you my happiness doesn't depend on you; I can do perfectly fine without you, here's a proof".

    These are those moments when you have to be Christian - forgiving and loving even when the other person throws a bucket of shit at you. It's tough as hell, but in the end it's worth it - if you eventually get to see the other person repent, that is. I got to see my wife repent many times, and that's what always kept me going. We're a happy marriage now.
     
    Adam_K, Rents77 and RiverBlue like this.
  2. modern milarepa

    modern milarepa Fapstronaut

    When you got married you already knew she was borderline?
    How was she before you got married?
     
  3. RiverBlue

    RiverBlue Fapstronaut

    Your analysis and particularly the passage you quoted are right on the mark. They hit me squarely where I live.

    This exactly describes me growing up. I did not grow up in a family where emotions were valued or expressed. I've had long discussions with therapists over the years about this.

    And this exactly describes me going through most of my adult life. PMO makes the feelings go away. Problem solved, except it's not.

    And this describes me where I am today. Trying to find new and better ways to deal with emotions as I feel them, rather than running away.
     
  4. RiverBlue

    RiverBlue Fapstronaut

    This is exactly the feeling. I'm not proud of feeling it either!
     
    DrHenryJekyll likes this.
  5. RiverBlue

    RiverBlue Fapstronaut

    @modern milarepa Not sure it's really relevant to the discussion, but she knew, and I knew, she suffers from depression. It's not as clear that she suffers from borderline personality disorder. She was diagnosed by one professional as such, but others have said not. Nonetheless, I would say she sometimes exhibits behavior that is more in line with that than straight up depression.
     
    modern milarepa likes this.
  6. RiverBlue

    RiverBlue Fapstronaut

    Having one of those evenings where my wife is acting out against me. I don't honestly think I've done anything to deserve it. And my anger back at her has me triggered. Keeping it in check though. It's been so helpful to finally recognize this pattern.

    There's another aspect of it too that I've just realized. I've previously thought in terms of, I'm angry with my wife, but I shouldn't be angry with her for something that's not in her control (her mood). When I take that on myself -- I'm wrong for being angry -- I don't have anything I can do with that feeling. I can't accept myself being angry, because I feel it's wrong to be angry. I can try to repress it, but that doesn't really work, of course. So with no way to deal with myanger, I feel I need to escape. And I feel I want to escape into porn.

    But here's the thing. Yes, it's not her fault (her mood disorder). But it's also not my fault that I feel hurt (a better emotion than angry perhaps) by her actions. I can legitimately recognize that she has a mood disorder and still legitimately feel hurt by her words/actions. And I don't have to do anything to escape that. It's okay to just feel hurt. It's okay to just feel the emotion. I don't have to escape it.

    I know this is like Therapy 101, but honestly I've not really thought about it like this before. And if I can think about it this way, I don't have to escape into porn. And I don't have to get back at her through porn. I can just let it be.

    PS. I just re-read this whole thread, and I realize that about 10 of your told me this exact thing. And somehow it didn't hit home until tonight!
     
    Last edited: Jun 30, 2021
    Adam_K, mrtumnus and Anywherewithyou like this.
  7. Rehab101

    Rehab101 Fapstronaut

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    Saying things like this is really not constructive. Living with another person in your life is not a simple feat and required a lot of effort and patience. Like some others have said, it's the op's reaction to the words that can trigger the unpleasantness. I had issues with my spouse reaction at time and vice versa. No matter how uncomfortable it maybe, it just takes more communications to understand each other better. For example, if you know your spouse don't like to hear a certain phrase or reaction, try to tone it down, and vice versa. Be gentle and calm when you explain how you feel.
    Other than that, I think exercising and venting with your guy friends help. Or even hide in ur man cave to release some steam.
     
    RiverBlue and DrHenryJekyll like this.
  8. Meshuga

    Meshuga Fapstronaut

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    And yet, it's probably true.

    Look, I have my share of experience working in a relationship where both parties are kind of screwed up, so I have plenty of empathy for @RiverBlue . I know how quitting P feels nearly impossible, I know about blaming other people, I know the frustration of learning how what you thought was real isn't real and you're the bad guy. It sucks, I get it, and when your SO is neural atypical or has some kind of issue, that provides an easy excuse. BUT, PAs have absolutely zero wiggle room when it comes to blame. If we know anything around here, it's that porn negatively affects the user's ability to connect with their SO. She's not getting her needs met in this relationship. If Blue gets a substantial streak going and begins experiencing reduced irritability and urges and develops more patience in communicating and working with his wife, and she still flies off the handle, then he'll have cause for concern. Until that point, it's reasonable to assume he's contributing to her neurosis. She's not his biggest obstacle. He's his own biggest obstacle, reflected in her.
     
  9. iamShinra

    iamShinra Fapstronaut

    Trust me I think the Book 'Power Over Pornography' would be best in your case.
     
    RiverBlue likes this.
  10. Bloody Mary

    Bloody Mary Fapstronaut

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    My words are the downside of the title of this thread. Stay with a PA (whether or not you know it) destabilizes even the most balanced woman, even the most desidered one (by others, of course). Bad moods, bad feelings running high. Discussions fuel his addiction and his addiction fuels her frustration and psychological issues.
     
    RiverBlue and Lilla_My like this.
  11. RiverBlue

    RiverBlue Fapstronaut

    @Meshuga and @Bloody Mary -- Look, I'm not blaming my wife by the way. I think I've said that, and I will say it again.

    I am just describing my actual situation -- my actual reaction to her moods -- and how it effects my efforts to get clean. Recognizing this connection has been very useful. Identifying triggers and working out how to deal with them constructively is a big part of my recovery.

    By the way, I don't mind the criticism, really. I get where you all are coming from.
     
    Meshuga likes this.
  12. ElSabio

    ElSabio Fapstronaut

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    I could have written this. It's so close to my story. My marriage didn't survive but before it ended I found a few things that helped immensely. One is called the "Drama Triangle". It's a model of how all dysfunctional relationships operate. The next were two books which helped with my emotional literacy. Feeling Good by David D Burns and A Guide to Rational Living by Albert Ellis. Learn the drama triangle and how it works and check these books out if you have a chance. Take care of yourself!
     
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  13. JohnSmith1979

    JohnSmith1979 Fapstronaut

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    When my wife and I are not getting along it would serve as a trigger. In my own mind it was revenge and stress release rolled into one as the OP said. Ironically it doesn't fulfil either category because instead of revenge I'm hurting myself a lot more than her, and the stress release lasts about 10 seconds, then I get up and look in the mirror...disgusted.

    Snapping one off to porn is never worth it. Ever.
     
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