My wife is ostensibly indifferent to me watching P

She may say she's OK with it - but have you tried telling her that you're not OK with it anymore, and you are asking for her support in quitting?

 

Was this second part of your reflection also part of your conversation with your wife? If not, it would be very worthwhile for her to hear this from you, too. It would also seal your realization of these downfalls and commit you more to the light.

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Similar to my situation. Wife never seemed to mind P that much. It was M that bothered her a lot.

I used her reaction (or lack thereof) as a permission, too. My wife didn't freak out, so I could use more than these other guys.

What I didn't realize was that P was numbing my relational senses. I was living in a marriage without emotional connection. Perhaps I've lived my whole adult life without emotional connection. My wife would express how she often felt used, but because I had never known life without PMO, I had no idea what she meant. It was like talking to a fish about water.

I'm nearly halfway through a hard-mode reboot (no p, no m, and no sex). It has been a wild, wild ride. You can check out my journal for some of the insights I've learned along the way.

 

similar situation. My girlfriend doesn’t care if I watch or not porn. She cares only from a goal perspective. The nuances are stuff I’d rely on the forum for. And I find that’s OK. Seeing how we live together and share everything it’s fine with me sharing stuff regarding NoFap from a high level, an executive summary if you will. What you wrote here I actually remember I read when I was 45 days in, specially the below and just wanted to say it really helped!

Sounds like I have a free pass right? No! I still know what I'm doing. I still feel bad when I use. I still feel controlled by P, and I don't like it. I've tried to stop P on my own for years. I avoided this forum actually thinking I could strongarm it.

I just want to see what my life would be like without P. Would my concentration be better? Could I multi-task? Would I have more energy? I don't know because I have not gone without P for more than 10 days for years I estimate!

Additionally, I also hate the idea of giving up P. Who doesn't like sex? Who doesn't like fantasy? Who doesn't like instant gratification? But...It's all false. People are performing (event the homemade crap). It's not what I have with my wife. It's not what I would want for my son. It's not what I want for myself.

 

Don't be ashamed. This journey is full of "two steps forward one step back" experiences. You got this.