NWRebooter
Fapstronaut
She does have her own therapist, thankfully. Hopefully she's going to discuss that with her.
My wife is so so angry...
- Thread starter NWRebooter
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Psalm27:1my light
Fapstronaut
Do you know if they are trauma trained and more specifically betrayal trauma? I went through 3 therapist who actually caused way more damage before I found a csat who did not subscribe to co dependency for the partner.
onceaking
Fapstronaut
I would have given up by the 2nd therapist. I know enough about therapy abuse and practice that I don't think I could ever fully trust one. It's a mistake to think therapists have your best intentions at heart because many don't and those who do get chewed up and spat out by the system.
NWRebooter
Fapstronaut
Thank you all for your concern and help. My wife is starting next week with a trauma trained therapist which we're both hoping goes well. I talked with her a bit about this thread and she and I agree that when I first started it, I didn't give enough context but also didn't accurately describe what happened. It was a very charged situation and I was escalated when I posted and we've since worked through things. I'm still learning how best to use these forums and jumped the gun to "complain" about my wife in my search for comfort/help. No, she's not reading this and isn't on this forum.
I clearly still have lots of work to do regarding my responses to escalated situations and when to use which recovery/accountability tools in what moment. Anyway, thanks again for your insights. I really do appreciate them.
I clearly still have lots of work to do regarding my responses to escalated situations and when to use which recovery/accountability tools in what moment. Anyway, thanks again for your insights. I really do appreciate them.
Psalm27:1my light
Fapstronaut
Therapist are like any other jobs, there are good ones, bad ones, and great ones. 3 were great, but one was really bad. The two I didn’t stay with specialized in areas I didn’t need and they didn’t understand what I needed. The one I ended up with was phenomenal and the world lost an amazing person. Even the ones I didn’t stay with gave me tools and insight in the short time I met with them.
tawwab1
Fapstronaut
I'm afraid we did you a disservice. Originally you came here asking for words of encouragement or perhaps advice and instead, the thread devolved into a debate that's been played out a million times here before (disclose vs not disclose) instead of actually helping you. So now I want to give you some advice that will help you. Your wife is going through something. But adults- whether male or female- are not allowed to express their emotions by hitting and yelling. If you can, find a family member or friend to confide in and tell them everything creating a tense environment in your home. And ask them if you can come over if things get dicey. Start keeping a journal and protect it with a password. Write everything that happens down with dates. If it was you doing the hitting, you would already be facing legal charges by now. Don't get angry or do anything in anger. If you feel yourself getting angry, leave the house immediately and don't let anyone stop you from leaving. And, I highly recommend starting a daily meditation practice. Ten minutes a day is enough to make a real difference in your self-awareness but you have to be consistent. I hope you find this useful. Peace
Be Inspired
Fapstronaut
You may want to look into the RCA, Recovering Couples Anonymous.
I am sorry that you are going through all this. What a mess.
Like they say at Sexaholics Anonymous meetings: "Nothing can so damage the possibility of healing in a marriage like a premature confession to a spouse where sacred bonds of trust have been violated. Great caution is advised here."
I am sorry that you are going through all this. What a mess.
Like they say at Sexaholics Anonymous meetings: "Nothing can so damage the possibility of healing in a marriage like a premature confession to a spouse where sacred bonds of trust have been violated. Great caution is advised here."
NWRebooter
Fapstronaut
Thank you. I do find that thoughtful and useful.
onceaking
Fapstronaut
Some jobs maybe but not all. A therapist is in a position of power and their clients are vulnerable. When someone is in a position of power there's always the temptation to abuse it.
And this is your opinion. I’ve had 4 therapists in my life and all of them helped me in different ways.
Psalm27:1my light
Fapstronaut
Me too! Even the ones that were not a great fit helped and even the horrible one helped me too, lol. I’d just never recommend him
onceaking
Fapstronaut
Sure it's my opinion but it's not just my opinion. It was actually a therapist who pointed out the power imbalances to me. I was shocked at first but after thinking about it I realised it was true.
Psalm27:1my light
Fapstronaut
True, much like teachers, doctors, lawyers bosses, are you saying that they are all bad? Because they are in a position of power? So all teachers, all doctors, all cops, all lawyers…. There is good, bad, and great in all professions no matter what they are.
I can also fire my therapist any time I want and go to another.
NWRebooter
Fapstronaut
I need to further clarify. She hit me in the arm out of anger and pain. I pushed her away, and did it with enough force that she thought I was hitting her back which is what really triggered her to hit me more aggressively. It was an awful moment and I regret bringing it up on here. Again, we're both getting help with trauma-informed therapists.
This sounds pretty clear to me. She was in such pain in that moment that she struck out . . .and it happened to escalate. This sounds like a far cry from a pattern of physical abuse and I can see why you regret bringing it up when you were looking for help, only to end up in a position of defending your wife from accusations of being abusive.
You are recognising that you are that one that needs to change. You have an addiction. It's awful. It's not your fault that you became an addict. But now you are aware and you are taking responsibility for it by seeking help.
You are doing good work. You should be proud of your efforts to be a better husband.
You may want to look into Dr. Kevin Skinner's work to understand how severe betrayal trauma can be. Many of us spouses have experienced such anger that we have lashed out physically. It is a trauma state, a ptsd attack, one that can at times be uncontrollable and needs to pass without provocation. I didn't find out about my husband's problem until we were 19 years in and 3 kids. The depth of my trauma has been severe - there have been episodes, especially in the early days if an undisclosed behavior came up, where I would dissociate - hit him if he was in reach, thrown something if he was not, and even had fights where I don't remember them at all because my brain went into protection mode. For those of us with severe trauma, it takes time. You have just started this journey. I am over 4 years into it and my husband is over 4 years clean. Those episodes don't happen anymore but it took a lot of work on both sides for us to heal. I would recommend the next time it happens to back up rather than push her, to remain calm, and acknowledge that you hurt her in a very calm way. The next day also follow through and ask her if there is anything you can do or say to help ground her in those moments. She needs you to see, hear, and understand the depth of her pain. To hear that nothing in her life makes sense anymore - everything has been up ended, everything - the past, the present, the future. What you've done has scrambled her very existence and for her it is terrifying.
tawwab1
Fapstronaut
Why do you need to clarify so much? This is totally anonymous and no one here is judging you or your wife. I hope you guys are able to work it out and let us know how it goes. Do you have someone IRL you can talk to in confidence?
Real Jerry Seinfeld
Fapstronaut
If you ever feel you've disclosed too much, just say 'jk lol'. Works every time.
In all seriousness, I think there are infractions that need to be disclosed and those that are unnecessary and even unhelpful to disclose. If you've visited a massage parlour, you can't hide that. If you looked at a girl walking down the street, you'd be needlessly disclosing every time you left the house. And I say needless because nothing will ever come of it. You're not going to have sex with that girl as a consequence of intuitively checking her out. By the same token, if you see a photo of a good looking girl online, feel arousal, but do not act on it - that's a victory, not a failing. Actions such as cheating, or sexting, or watching porn warrant disclosure because they're conscious actions. A lustful thought or a fantasy is to some extent beyond your control. To disclose that as an indiscretion implies you've committed some kind of thought crime, which seems to be veering into the ridiculous.
Tl;dr: Disclose things you actively and physically did, do not disclose lustful thoughts or feelings that do not result in an actual indiscretion.
In all seriousness, I think there are infractions that need to be disclosed and those that are unnecessary and even unhelpful to disclose. If you've visited a massage parlour, you can't hide that. If you looked at a girl walking down the street, you'd be needlessly disclosing every time you left the house. And I say needless because nothing will ever come of it. You're not going to have sex with that girl as a consequence of intuitively checking her out. By the same token, if you see a photo of a good looking girl online, feel arousal, but do not act on it - that's a victory, not a failing. Actions such as cheating, or sexting, or watching porn warrant disclosure because they're conscious actions. A lustful thought or a fantasy is to some extent beyond your control. To disclose that as an indiscretion implies you've committed some kind of thought crime, which seems to be veering into the ridiculous.
Tl;dr: Disclose things you actively and physically did, do not disclose lustful thoughts or feelings that do not result in an actual indiscretion.
CrushedandLeaving
Fapstronaut
Noticing that someone is beautiful is very different than allowing yourself to dwell on it to the result of arousal and fantasy. This would very much depend on the relationship.
Do you want a relationship where this level of disclosure is appropriate? Cool, then find someone who has those same boundaries and standards as you by being open about your expectations from the start.
Trick someone into marrying you under false pretenses pretending you were something you weren't? You will need to have a deep discussion and AGREE together on what needs to be disclosed.
Can't manage to do that? Sounds like irreconcilable differences.
Sad about an unfortunate divorce because of those irreconcilable differences? Well, yes. There are deep and lasting consequences to lying to someone to get them to marry you.
It's really straightforward. No one gets to control their partner's reality or boundaries through dishonesty.
So OP, you need to talk to your partner and agree on what level of disclosure is appropriate in your relationship. And that might look different after years of lying than it would have if you'd been honest from the start. But she doesn't deserve to live with wool pulled over her eyes because you don't want consequences for lying to her.