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My wife told me that she fell in love with me again

Discussion in 'Success Stories' started by 07.04.2023, Apr 12, 2020.

  1. :D
    Thank you - let's hope for the best
     
    TimeToQuitNow likes this.
  2. Brief update on our situation and how things have evolved since April 12 2020:

    Negatives:
    - I relapsed on day 167. Retrospectively, I had become too confident and less cautious that my behavior was slowly falling into old habits/patterns.
    - I was extremely scared after it had happened because I did not know whether I would ever come back again. That fear carried me first 54 days, then 31 days, then only 14 days .... It took 4 months before I actually gathered the strength again to make a real effort. What I realize now is that through the relapse, the motivation I had before had lost its strength. It would not carry me any more. I needed to first grow new determination strong enough to take up the fight again. This might sound trivial, however, I found it very difficult to collect the necessary discipline.

    Positives:
    - I told my wife right away. I felt extremely miserable doing this and of course she was disappointed, however, I am satisfied that I did not even attempt to hide my failure but owned it and then carried on.
    - I feel strong at the moment and determined to stay away for good. Admittedly, I did not achieve anything and my 5 months currently is really nothing from the perspective of a healthy person. However, what gives me confidence is how I feel: I am in control now; and I am determined to keep it that way.
    - So far, it has been different this time. I did not have any relevant urges until now. .

    What really matters:
    - Sleep. If you are having problems to stay disciplined, force yourself to sleep at least 8h a day. It took me some while to get there as my body was so used to sleep less. It is such a difference now. I am taking mindful decisions and getting things done.
    - No browsing the internet. The internet is simply a waste of time. On top, for me, it has been a trigger. I swapped my smartphone for the light phone, disappeared from social media, and try to avoid the use of internet for any non-work related activity. It is a game-changer: More time, better decisions, less anxiety, better sleep.

    Reactions and reflections:
    - "150 is not 1 year"... that is what my wife told just recently. I found this remarkable, because previously she had seen this as an achievement. So, I am on probation and apparently the bar is higher now :D. I take this as a positive: the expectation increased - need to confirm now that I am worthy of the next level ;).
    - After the relapse, I could feel how I was slowly again drifting away from my wife and my family. Luckily, I eventually got on the right track again. Things are going well and so overall, I have been enjoying the best two years of my marriage just recently. It has always been good, however, what has been before is just no comparison to the connection and fun we have now.
     
  3. refreshed323

    refreshed323 Fapstronaut

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    It is always wonderful to to read someone is benefiting from this site. Enjoy the benefits.

     
    stegiss likes this.
  4. goodtimesahead

    goodtimesahead Fapstronaut

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    if you made 166 days, you can do double easy
     
    stegiss likes this.
  5. JeanCarl88

    JeanCarl88 Fapstronaut

    Hey man, it was very interesting to read your story and your update, it's nice to see that you could really improve your life through nofap even though it's a never ending journey.
    I wanted to ask you something. Do you think that it it's still beneficial to keep counting days when you are on these long streaks? I mean at the end of the day the long term goal for the most of us is to get rid of porn from our life for good, not to have a big number as your best streak. I feel the mental approach is different. Even if you happen to relapse, if you are not focused on the streak itself it would be harder to have a severe chaser effect, since you didn't lose a 100 days streak. It was just a bad day, but the next one will be good.
    Nevertheless, I have never been past 60 days, so I really don't know. Do you still find it beneficial?
     
    stegiss and Bobske like this.
  6. Thank you, @JeanCarl88 !

    First, I suggest that you should congratulate yourself on the 60 days. 60 days is great! Sure, 2 months is not what you set out for, however, you were 60 days winning before you lost again. The important but difficult part is to get up quickly after every relapse and to carry on. Make sure you are determined when you start again!

    Short answer:
    If counting does not help you, or even distracts you, it is OK to not count. Just do what works best for you.

    Long answer (What works for me):
    Counting helps to get past the first few weeks. Do you know that feeling when 3 days feel like an eternity already? Then, it is good to have the counter to maintain perspective: 3 days, 3 weeks, 3 months, even 3 years are not indeed long from the perspective of a person who does not suffer from this behavior anomaly.

    I somehow like competition, meaning I enjoy when I have the opportunity to fight in order to (try to) beat something or someone, even if that is myself, my old record, or some goal set. It just feels good when I can say that I was able to make it. What then also motivates me are statistics: "98% of the male population has watched some porn content within the last 6 months" (https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/experimentations/201802/when-is-porn-use-problem). Meaning, from when I hit 180, I may feel a little special as belonging to the remaining 2%.
    Another fun fact taking your figures: 2/3 of all males watch porn at least monthly (https://www.churchmilitant.com/news...n-use-shows-startling-stats-for-men-and-women). So, if you would just do a row of 60 day streaks, you already belong to the better 30%. That is great!
    It does not even matter if these figures are indeed accurate. In tendency, they are correct - that is enough and motivating for me.

    I agree that counting alone does not help. What you need is
    - to be determined
    - to sleep enough
    - to stay positive, own your mistakes, and never give up - don't even consider hiding anything, it will lead to the next relapse in no-time.

    And I think you are right also that there should not be a final target. When you reach 90, focus on 180 next; then 360, then 500 etc. The danger in having a final target is that you may relapse shortly after. This happens, when the only reason for you to keep going has become to reach that target. It is important that you have a determination to stay away that goes deeper than reaching any number of days.

    All this is easier written then done, and I am frequently reminding myself that an addiction will never fully leave the person who was once affected - therefore, it is important to constantly be cautious. But of course, you can make it much longer than 60 days and you will make it. From what you wrote, I feel very confident in you about this.

    Best,

    Stephan
     
    Last edited: Dec 1, 2021
    JeanCarl88, Huskerjim and again like this.
  7. JeanCarl88

    JeanCarl88 Fapstronaut

    I think I understand what you mean, having a goal makes you fight harder, in a way. I will also try to notice how my sleep patterns affect my ability to mantain my streak, it's something I have never thought about.

    By the way, thank you for your elaborate answer and your kind words! Good luck with everything.
     
    stegiss likes this.
  8. BenSarek

    BenSarek Fapstronaut

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    You're such an inspiration. Thanks for sharing! Good luck my friend
     
    stegiss likes this.

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