Navigating New Territory: My Support Story

Good morning other supporters!

I wanted to take some time to post on here a collective of what has been happening to me this last month. And let me be the first to say that it is a doozy, which I think that many of you will understand. This has been weighing on my heart lately, and I feel that I need to get connected with others who can help me to understand what is happening and perhaps offer advice from success.

This all started a month ago, when deep issues within my relationship with my boyfriend came to light. We had just cleared the hurtle of committing to each other and creating our 'life plan', aka engagement, marriage, kids, the works, etc. We have lived together for the last almost year-ish, with my little 5 year old son. We had a good foundation going on with the plan, and things were clear. But then the first issue that came along was when my boyfriend brought up a pre-nup, and how he wanted one. I will be the first to very strongly say, when I get married, I will not have a pre-nup. And here is my reasoning, I was married before, and it was an abusive relationship. We were together for a total of 10 year (5 dating/5 married), had a child, and things were not good. But I escaped my situation with him, and I learned from it. I learned that when you get together with a partner, there are MANY aspects that should match to create a strong foundation that can be build upon. And I felt that after my boyfriend and I have talked time and time again, and agreed on these different topics, that we were golden! I understand the notion of a pre-nup, but to me it is setting up for divorce, and not having each partner give their full support and commitment to the relationship, and to each other. This was the starting point to where many other issues came up, after discussion on the topic, it came to light that my boyfriend has abandonment issues and relationship security issues. He also confessed that he had a porn/masturbation addiction, where it consumed him 4-6 times everyday. This led to him being displeased with our sex life. While I agree that we could always try something new, and that it would be fun to be more adventurous, he was asking for the fantasy that he desired from watching porn, which is not real. It also confused his body, where he admitted that his mind and heart thought I was pretty/beautiful, but his body did not respond to me in that way, he was not sexually attracted to me. That was my lowest day throughout this whole ordeal, to feel undesired, betrayed, and untrusted, and I was shattered. But at that lowest moment, it brought both of us to Jesus, which I am thankful for.

My situation now is tough, and I continually pray 80% of everyday to find strength to get through this. I pray that my boyfriend has strength against the temptation, and that his heart will be healed. Because just the other day, when he was 6 days into the path of freeing himself from porn and masturbation, he is getting hit very hard. He confessed that part of him resents me, that he has a hard time loving me, and that he feels he is just going through the motions, and it is hard enough to just get himself going, let alone trying to give a partner what they need as well. I have done nothing but stand by him, support him, and search for anything that I can do (which we all know is not much in this situation), only to come out bearing his negative association to everything.

So I need to ask, and I hope I get responses that really help, but what do I do?

 

You know what's funny, by this point I welcome an answer like this. I am on the last thread of holding on, and I think it's just shredding too quickly.

I've talked with some people, and they have all said the same thing. That they know porn is hard, but thaty partner is selfish and giving me all the red flags. The last thing we were talking about was him getting an accountability partner, to take me out of the equation. But he doesn't want one, he thinks he shouldn't have someone "babysitting and questioning" everything he's doing. That he should be confessing when he's weak and regulating himself. Which from everything I've read, it's a sure sign of failure down the road .There is no way he can do this alone, and I'm not able to help him, I'm too close. He's started the track of 'gaslighting' me too, from what I've heard, it's taking issues and making me think I'm in the wrong instead of him. The latest one was him making me feel like crap for not trusting him, even though I caught him having a moment of weakness just a couple days ago and he constantly gets to tell me hurtful things.

I just absolutely hate that this has destroyed us .That he went from the best man when we started dating, to who I see now. And it's affected not only me, but my son who I brought into this. And my boyfriend doesn't even give a second thought to it all. I'm just in so much pain, and even though I'm numb to it all amdy heart is heavy, I have the hardest time letting go.

 

Time is always the answer it seems. "I just need 90 days to get clean of this", "I just need to get debt free", "I just need this...", etc. Throughout our 'time' I have been pushed back further and further.

I agree with your advice. I actually decided this morning that I am moving out of his house, and I am going to focus on my son and me. I need to get myself recovered a healthy again after all these draining things. I struggled so hard when I noticed that this was even affecting my little guy, because he is so innocent in all of this, and that kills me. After I move out, I'm not really sure what is going to happen to the relationship, but I'm putting all of that on him. He's out on business until tomorrow evening, and he's been a complete jerk this whole time. I just can't believe that anyone would talk to their 'partner' that way, I'm just horrified. And that's also what put the final nail in this coffin.