Nearly 20 years married, new to NoFap, 1st reboot

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Scizz, Aug 17, 2022.

  1. Scizz

    Scizz New Fapstronaut

    My issues that have taken me far too long to come to terms with (or admit to myself, or whatever turn of phrase captures the idea best), have finally pushed my wife to issue a final ultimatum in our relationship. We've had the "big talk" a number of times over the years, as our sex life has had pauses of months, that turn into pauses of years. After every big talk, I've abstained for awhile, but eventually always come back.

    I looked into the NoFap community a couple of years ago, but had a hard time coming around to it. Possibly at the time I was just to subconsiously resistant to the idea that it wasn't "better managing my porn use", but "stopping my porn use".

    This time around, I've jumped much deeper into the reading behind porn addiction and rebooting, etc. I feel like maybe this level of understanding has made it easier (for the first 10 days at least) to abstain. Maybe also the threat of the end of my relationship to the only person i truely have loved for my entire adult life!

    I'm sharing the SO forums here with her, so she has it as a resource if she needs support, or is just curious about other SO's perspectives, or even sucess stories.

    We're sexless for over a year this time around, and I'm considering going hard mode for at least some time (30 days, 90 days? not sure yet) to try and have the biggest possible impact on resetting in the shortest amount of time. She has told me that she's not against this. However the ideal goal is of course to rejuvinate our sex life and my interest in it.

    My real goal is PM for as long as I can go - or at the very least until I feel honestly rebooted. But I want to go a considerable time PMO to fast track some of the breaking of the chemical pathways (etc).

    Bobske and kropo82 like this.
  2. kropo82

    kropo82 Fapstronaut

    Yep, you need to stop.

    It's great to have you both here.

    One word of warning, this could take a very long time. You can succeed, but don't go into this looking for a quick fix. You need to consistently do the hard recovery work.

    Why isn't your real goal quitting porn forever?
    hope4healing, again, tawwab85 and 2 others like this.
  3. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

    90 days is what most csats recommend. However, in that 90 days it isnt just about no sex. It’s about you abstaining from all sexual stimuli. No fantasy, no masturbating no psubs. It’s about you learning to reconnect ( or connect) with your wife intimately. We were advised for him not to even see me naked, which was hard since I sleep naked and take a bath every night. I was resistant about the 90 days because like your wife my husband went long periods of not wanting sex. Sometimes up to 3 weeks. This was very crushing and hurtful and frustrating! After 4-6 months working recovery my husband asked to do the 90 days as he kept struggling with chasers which made it very difficult for him. So that’s when we did it. It will not be very helpful if you keep fantasizing or pmo. A great book is Treating Pornography Addiction by Dr. Kevin Skinner. One of the best for getting into real recovery. Has your wife always known about your porn use or did she stumble on it? This matters because of how it affects her brain. If it was a trauma, she stumbled on it but had no idea, she may be dealing with betrayal trauma which really affects how she processes her world around her. If you never hidden it and lied to her, she may not suffer from it.
    ANewFocus likes this.
  4. ANewFocus

    ANewFocus Fapstronaut

    I have tried a lot of shortcuts in recovery…if you’re serious about this…
    -Go and pay a CSAT
    -Do NoFap
    -Go several SAA meetings, ignore the God part.
    -Don’t hold onto fantasy, flirting, sexualizing on social media or any substitutes.

    Each shortcut makes the path longer and harder.

    Every time I failed after long periods of sobriety: I left cookie crumbs at the beginning of my recovery that would become how I fail. Clean up and don’t leave those cookie crumbs.
  5. True-Self

    True-Self Fapstronaut

    I'm sure you meant well but this was a bad idea...
    If you're referring to SO's relationship success stories sadly I don't think there are many if any at all.
  6. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

    I’d say it depends on what you call success? Do you think success is if the SO buries their head and accepts the spouses addiction? Or confronts it and challenges them to change and get into recovery? If it’s the latter, I’d say there are a few couples who have been successful. If it’s the former I’d say there are hundreds. Unfortunately, here on the forum there are only a few addicts who have been even slightly successful ( long term recovery is considered 5 years clean). How can a couple be successful if the addict isn’t successful? How are we measuring success here? I would say that for support she would be better off in the private sos group. It’s safer for her to interact.
  7. happenstance

    happenstance Fapstronaut

    Yeah, that's not gonna happen. There are no shortcuts. I hope by "shortest amount of time" you meant 3-5 years instead of 5-7 years or longer.
    I think the ideal goal should be to heal your brain...not rejuvenate your sex life. Heal your brain, and the rejuvenated sex life will come all by itself.
    Again there are no shortcuts. There is no "fast track". There is only "the track". Incidentally, you will never "break" the chemical pathways. You may rewire your brain to choose a better path through neuroplasticity, but the other pathways will always be permanently etched into your brain. When we heal our brain, we choose an alternative more functional path if that makes sense.
    Ignore this advice. If God is a part of your life, do fall back on your faith for it will help you in your recovery process. So no, don't ignore God if you are a person of faith.
    Last edited: Aug 24, 2022
    hope4healing and MountainInMyWay like this.

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