Need a Female perspective

Discussion in 'Dating during a Reboot' started by Onehope, Jan 4, 2018.

  1. Onehope

    Onehope Fapstronaut

    This is a repost from the women's section, didnt know it was here, sorry.

    So I know this girl for two years now, we used to work together and she considers me her best friend.

    We have hang out, laugh together, I once invited her to my place, cooked for her and she claims my food is the best shes ever had.

    She has said multiple times shes thankful to have a friend like me, and she trusts no one more than me, she confines in me, and we talk almost every day, now more than before.

    She has a tendency to date shitty guys,the types that ignore her, and end up breaking her heart, then I have to listen to her vent, and say Im always there for her when she needs me the most. Shes even said Im someone whos worth more thangold and any girl would be lucky to have me.

    However, about a year ago I confessed to her I liked her but I didn't follow up on it because she was in love with someone else, and she said she felt bad about it, and she said she has only treated me like a friend.

    I understand I am lord friendzone, and in my perspective it seems like she willnever see me as more than a friend, but my question is, do you as a woman think I might stand a chance someday?

    I am currently working out, getting in shape and making myself better every day, yet, I don't think that will change the way she looks at me, considering she has such high opinion of me. Shes even said I was attractive.

    I understand I don't have an entitlementthat someone has to like me, but I just wonder, why do you want an understanding, loving partner in your life, and when hes standing right in front of you, you choose just another piece of shit? Its bern two years and she just gotdumped by piece of shit number 4.

    Really appreciate you took your time toread this.
  2. Onehope

    Onehope Fapstronaut

    And just to clarify, I'm not pursuing a relationship with her, I am content with being her friend, and our friendship means a lot to me.

    I'm only asking hypothetically, since lately shes been very vocal about how much I mean to herx putting me on this pedestal that seems to get higher every time.

    I just dont understand her, she thinks Im the greatest man on earth yet on her eyes I cannot be more than a friend, and she has described many times she wants a guy that fits my description, yet I am invisible to her as a man.

    Her praising and admiration is welcomed and appreciated, but it confuses me.
  3. I'm not a woman but I was a guy stuck in this very same situation and the answer is, NO. So your options are:
    1. Continue the friendship but only if you truly know you can do that and be a genuine friend.
    2. Take a break from each other for a while until you are ready to just be her friend.
    3. Take a break for good if you know you cannot genuinely be her friend.
    There is no point in over analyzing the "why" behind her decision. She knows what she wants in a romantic relationship and that isn't you. On her side she is probably wondering why you like her so much. Whatever the reasons you should respect her decision and move on in one of the following ways listed above.

    Most importantly always make self-improvements in your life for you and you alone. You must believe you are worth these changes and that you are a good enough reason to continue them.
  4. Onehope

    Onehope Fapstronaut

    Ever since I came to her with my feelings I never did so again, Im pretty sure shes even forgotten at this point I once confessed I liked her.

    I can be her friend always and never try to be anything more.

    I just wish I knew what goes on her head regarding me. We have become closer over time, but there is a barrier there somewhere where she draws that line and thinks Im not fit to be more than a friend.

    I dont know about you, but if I was single, and knew an amazing girl that I greatly admire, I see its pretty darn hard to never think what things would be like if we were together.

    I highly doubt its ever even gone through her head.
  5. It's probably best you don't know what's going on in her head. It would probably just result in more unanswered questions. Believe me when I say she hasn't forgotten. That kind of confession is not something people forget, especially amongst friends of the opposite sex.

    Just make sure you're not lying to yourself and telling yourself you're okay with something you're not okay with. Life is too short for that.

    Know your worth and keep working on yourself, Onehope. Also maybe put some boundaries up. Don't let her abuse your friendship either. Don't be afraid to tell her "no".
  6. Onehope

    Onehope Fapstronaut

    At least when I work on myself I do it for me, I really don't do anything trying to win her approval.

    Maybe back when I had hope I did, but right now Im just being myself around her.

    I don't know if I'll ever stop liking her, but I know my place, and I know I'll always be her friend.

    Thanks for the input, I'll appreciate more perspectives too.
  7. JamesWarrior

    JamesWarrior Fapstronaut

    Hi, I'm a guy, but I'd like to give you my perspective and keep this thread going so hopefully someone else can answer, too. I can understand your situation, and I can feel your pain. It seems like you are really into this girl, both as a friend and on a sexual level. I would say that she probably does genuinely enjoy your company and appreciate you in her life, and that it is true she can acknowledge that you are attractive and ideal as a partner, just like any guy comfortable with his own sexuality can acknowledge another guy's appearance and attitude - but I do not believe she sees you as an appropriate partner on the sexual level. You wrote that you have known this girl for two years, that is quite a bit of time to know someone and for nothing to happen, so I would say nothing is ever going to happen. You COULD work on yourself more or whatever, even cut off communication with her quite drastically and see if she realises what she has, but I don't think that will make her change her mind about you and begin seeing you as a potential sexual partner. The fact is, she is more interested in men that are dishonest and abusive towards her, basic pieces of shit, so it doesn't matter how much YOU improve yourself if she is choosing a piece of shit already over you, understand? The basic element is simply not there, sexual attraction. I know how difficult it can be, when you know a woman and she takes your breath away every time you look at her, but if you want a relationship with her and she doesn't feel that way about you, you just have to accept it and move on, don't waste a single moment on her because you are literally missing opportunities with women that are MORE stunning, MORE intelligent and MORE likeable in general while you are both blinding and confining yourself to a fantasy.

    For closure purposes, I would be honest and direct with her, tell her straight up that you dig her, and get her answer right there and then. Do not tolerate any bullshit from her. If the answer is no, let go. Decide if you can still be her friend or not, and fully accept that position and open your mind and heart to all the other stunning and genuine women around you that you haven't noticed. Life is too short, my friend.
  8. Onehope

    Onehope Fapstronaut

    Since I already confessed my feelings to her once and nothing happened, I wouldn't expect anything to change if I said it a second time. If she really still remembers my confession, and she doesn't tell me she likes me at this point, then I understand she doesn't see me that way.

    I guess my question originally from this thread is if that could change, if anyone knows a case of a friend zone that eventually changed to romance.

    I see it in movies, just not in real life lol
  9. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

    Hi I am a female and let me say that your story is one that many many men have and are frustrated by, you are not alone. I am just one woman but I will tell you in my experience what I think. Many women mistake anxiety for chemistry. What that means is women are attracted to men who keep them guessing or chasing. Is he going to call, does he like me, etc. So when they meet a guy who does none of that and says hey I am here i want you they mistake that nice guy for no chemistry. It’s usually because that’s all they have ever known, men who don’t treat them right. It took me the better of 10 years to figure this out. But not all women are like that. The biggest difference between men and women when it comes to friendships is that most men only maintain friendships with women they would sleep with. They may not actively be trying to sleep with them but if the opportunity presented itself they would not turn it down. Women chose male friendships no differently than female friendships. Most if asked are not attracted to their male friends in the slightest. Men mistake Friend attention for attraction attention because they only give that type of attention to women they would sleep with, make sense? Women give it to friends. Third with most women once you are friend zoned that’s it, you don’t come back. It is usually nothing the man does, he thinks it is but it’s not. She just saw you as a friend. Don’t buy the TV hype. Women don’t wake up one day 10 years from now and love their best friends it’s rare. And finally often women feel very betrayed by men whom they thought were their friends, and find out the whole time the Friend was just sticking around hoping he could date her. I had this happen with several male friends and I am going to tell you exactly what I told the. “We have been friends for X years. During that time I have been single. We spend a lot of time together. If I were interested in dating you or taking it to another level, I would have done that a long time ago? “. So my friend she knows you like her, and even if she did not don’t you think she would have told you if she were interested? It’s not about the jerk guys she’s dating, she just does not see you in that way. It’s not your fault it’s nothinf you did. She tells you about these guys because you are her friend. Replace her with a male friend who tells you about women who screwed him over or says he likes your cooking? Does that mean he’s interested in dating? See the issue is when we want to be with someone our mind interprets everything they do as a potential sign that they are interested that’s totally normal. My best advice is to limit contact. If she asks why be honest say you have feelings for her and you know she does not feel the same and you need to step away. She will be hurt but a friend will understand. You likelihood are subconsciously not pursuing other relationships while you are hoping for her. Don’t do that. I bet if you take a few months off from her you will see what I mean.
  10. Onehope

    Onehope Fapstronaut

    Thanks for the feedback, I need to clarify, I am not chasing after her, I am not waiting on her, in fact, I have dated twice ever since Ive known her, and I have talked to her about it.

    For all intent and purposes we are just friends and I dont expect that to ever change, my question only asks if it could change, but I see most people agree it wont, so I understand.
  11. Onehope

    Onehope Fapstronaut

    You know I think its ironic that when I met her she was chasing after a guy who had her friend zoned for years, and he never changed his mind about her, but she had not given hope for the longest time.

    He was the guy she was in love with when I told her I liked her a year ago..

    I just think its funny how things sometimes happen to people who do the exact same things to others.
  12. Onehope

    Onehope Fapstronaut

    To elaborate more on my confession to her, it went like this.

    She was telling me she was trying to date this other guy aside the guy who friendzoned her, and she said she was trying but she couldnt forget about the guy who didnt want her.

    I took that opportunity and said...

    "Well, the truth is, I was interested in dating you, because I like you, but since I know you love him, I gave up, so you see, you need to let go of your past if you want to move forward, otherwise guys will show up in your life and they wont be able to stand a chance against a guy who clearly doesnt like you."

    She sort of freaked out...

    "I didnt know you felt this way...I only treated you as a friend"

    I said "Its ok, dont worry about my feelings, it doesnt matter anymore, all I wanted was to give you an example of something that might happen in the future with someone else."

    She was quiet for a while, then said...

    "I feel weird, I dont know what to say."

    Finally I said

    "Dont worry, just forget about it..."

    And thats the first and last time we talked about it. I know my confession sucked, but I didnt had any hope to begin with. I know my place, Ive always known, and Ill always be her friend.
  13. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

    I think you have it right, very doubtful that things will ever change. If you are okay with that, and won’t become angry and bitter when they don’t and it is not effecting your choice to date others, then no problem keep up with the relationship. Dating does not mean you are interested in other relationships per se. This may not be you, but I have seen this many many times. Sure the guy dates but he is still really holding out for his friend and no one will ever measure up to her. Only you know of course if that’s you or not. But something to consider.
  14. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

    I know exactly how she feels and had the same reaction that she did several times when male friends revealed they wanted to date me. First, I wondered if I had led them on, when my answer was no then I felt betrayed for thinking they only wanted to be friends, and lastly I felt awkward. When you are friends with someone you have a certain level of being comfortable. You don’t have that same feeling when you want to date someone. When someone wants to date you and you know you will never date them, it makes you feel incredibly awkward. If you all were able to sustain a friendship after this with little to no changes that’s a good sign. But if you bring it up again I suspect she will back off from the friendship.
  15. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

    So that gives you hope right, that she will change her mind about you? Don’t just don’t, don’t look for reasons she will change her mind. You are wasting your time and there is someone out there who will appreciate and love just you for who you are.
  16. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

    Totally agree.
  17. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

    Agreed totally from a female perspective. The only other thing I would add which I mentioned in my post is that maybe men don’t realize that most women who are comfortable enough with a man (someone they have know for years) will express or act on their desire on their own. It may be that many men still believe it’s their job to make the first move, so if they do not and she does not maybe that is just because she is waiting on you. These days that’s just not true. Even if he never expressed an interest, chances are very high if she was interested she would have still told you. He is wasting his time, and needs to remove himself from the friendship.
    JamesWarrior likes this.
  18. Onehope

    Onehope Fapstronaut

    I understand if this was affecting me I would have removed myself from our friendship, but it really doesn't. We never had a romantic relationship to begin with, so nothing really changed from the start, we have always been friends.

    I wouldn't know if shes lead me on, when she sees me she hugs me tightly, she constantly expresses how much I mean to her, she reacts to posts on facebook or whatsap stories every time she gets a chance.

    Shes very actively seeking me out, but Ive never seen her try be more than friends.
  19. Onehope

    Onehope Fapstronaut

    I guess I would have to friendzone someone to understand what that means, I just wont get it. If I see a girls totally worth it, that itself would be a good reason to find her attractive, but I guess to some people, you could find a great person, but not see it as a romantic option, instead assholes are just better somehow lol.

    People are too complicated, maybe I should nevet try to figure anyone out and let them live in their own little fantasy world and just mind my own business.
  20. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

    Can I be honest with you? I don’t believe you. I think you are lying to yourself. You say you don’t care and it’s not effecting you but then continue to explain reasons why she maybe does or what her actions may mean and if they are more than friends? You are analyzing her actions to try to make them something they are not. She has told you she does not want more. You want there to be more. There will never be more .
    Arcadia and JamesWarrior like this.

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