Need a Wife and a Life (without pmo)

Hi: I'm a 45 year old male, who got involved early in sexually acting-out.

When I started masturbating...at first I didn't have any access to any porn.

But with time, I encorporated the JC Penny's catalog and Sears RoeBuck calalog.

Looking for women in swimsuits and lingerie.

But ever since early-on there was a self-importance put-on me by my dad and others

in my friends circle for me to man-up and be anti-homo. And so one day after school

in about 3rd grade...I came home to masturbate and started putting an improvised

sex toy up my behind. I felt sorta like I lost something more than usual that time.

And by now (2021), I've had about 10,000-13,000+ O's (sometimes pulling-off

3 O's in about 3-6 hours (after picking of a porn website where they showed

porn tubes and that stuff really burned me in.) but 99.9% of those 13,000 some O's

I had something up my rectum. Early-on the sex toy was a 'bottle' so I called mine

PMBO (porn masturbation bottle and orgasm) But later-on started using 'real' sex

toys up there.

I waited until about 2000-2002 to 'try it' with some ladies who it was against my

religious belief but there is a sexual 'push' in my family (as I discovered a sex-ring)

Kept my orgasm virginity though because (no offense and I'm not racist here) those

black street walkers in a larger city than what I'm used to...one was a name that I'll

abbreviate her initials A.W. and I penetrated her vaginally though when we were both

naked and I was on top (and I had a pretty nice hard-on) it was about 2000-2002 but

I wondered why her vagina wasn't so tight and I asked her and she said she's a

mom. So that partly answered me. There was head that I sorta received too, and

that made me feel a bit better towards having O. By about 3 different females...all

black. And now I can say that with neither of it did I feel totally enough like coming.

So I didn't. I'm not a penetration virgin but an "O" virgin while penetrating someone

else. So

since those days I pulled off about 8000-10000 more O's looking at porn and

I'm getting considerable pied. And am worried, what if I like cannot have an orgasm

with a wife? I'm Christian and God says that: 'you'll have a wife'.

Maybe there's quite a lot a person can do if they just lovingly slack-off in O (here)

just like nursing yourself back to health if you get sick or an injury slowly with time

it can happen.

PS: I used to be able to pop up my penis up in the air by pumping it. But that stopped

after a certain cursing had happened. And overnight, my wood went down. Bad

story. But true.

And now about all sorta of wood-like situations are blunted in my life. . . Like morning

wood is much less too. PS: I started about a year ago attending SAA Zoom spirituality

meetings and became familiar with the jargon might need to have a sponcer...but

never had one... Might have helped a little....(I had a 11 day sobriety streak recently

after incorporating acupuncture plus Covenant Eyes and SAA...PPS: what if I need to

incorporate porn when I go to have to have sex with my wife of the future. PPPS: I've

got a Christian minister too. What do you all think? Thanks for all of your advice!