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Need advice - do I need PMO for this behaviour?

Discussion in 'Compulsive Sexual Behavior' started by reboot_8716, Sep 15, 2018.

  1. reboot_8716

    reboot_8716 Fapstronaut

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    hello all - hoping to get this communities advice on my nofap journey. To quickly summarize I have abused P and M for a number of years, driven first by some bisexual curiosities but then escalating into some BDSM fetishes that began to take over my life. I am married to a woman and she knows about my past which includes a couple of isolated encounters with men and an interest in femdom. She is not into either but also accepts that I am, and even agrees to partake in some BDSM (pegging, light bondage) although somewhat reluctantly. She does not have a high sex drive at all.

    I have been abstaining from P and M for about 3 weeks and I have noticed some improvement, however anytime we have sex it’s like a rush that makes the temptations to dive back into hardcore fantasies stronger. I alsostill find myself checking out almost every girl I see - big, small, all types - and having thoughts about sex with them. It’s to the point that it still occupies my mind disproportionately and bothers me.

    I feel like right now I have two options. I can either continue to abstain from P and M for the sake of my marriage, but also make explicit the fetishes I have and request her support in helping to fulfil them - or, I can try no PMO for a period of time and seeing if any of them go away. I’m not optimistic they fully will as I’m definitely bi and some of it comes down to mimicking that experience, but curious to get the thoughts of others, particularly those in similar situations with a SO, as celibacy can also be tough on a relationship.

    Welcome any thoughts!
     
    +TenPercent likes this.
  2. Salada

    Salada Fapstronaut

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    I just have comments not really solutions...

    Pmo or some alternative high dopamine activity such as sport may help you from getting any worse or trying something worse. I think we need to look at it like this. You have a serious respect issue for human beings because of your past p habits. People are not there for you to exploit like your own whipping dog for your pleasure , not for you to control them like puppets, they deserve respect and dont exploit that some people comply because, they never knew what it feels like to be respected and dignified as a human being. Sex means you love someone, that they are a beautiful human and that you should think of their needs before your own. You are in love with your own fantasies, controlling and yourself. Not with your partner. Show your partner the love she deserves, humble, selfless love bro, making her feel important, not that she is just to fill in for your wank bank or to line up with all the other victims of your experiments. Don't be so damn cruel.

    This may sound a wee bit contradictory, Going cold turkey can be done for some personality types so if you can, do it !!
    For me complete abstinence of everything only drives me stir crazy into new and other vices. I suggest you try to shut down the most offensive parts of your.addiction. let go of certain things with a kind of a shrinking lid policy. So say that gay violent videos may be seen as the worst.
    So shut down that one area and replace it with gaming or sport or something that which gives you a dopamine hit.

    Then when you have mastered that after a predetermined period of time, move on to the next offensive thing you do and shut down that.

    All the time respect that human beings are not to be treated this way. Just like a kid who has to take care of his bike and model cars, he needs to learn to treat them carefully so they last. Or a bully at school needs to learn not to twist his best friends arm behind their back or pretty soon the bully loses all his friends.
     
    marr708, SirErnest and CCJACK like this.
  3. reboot_8716

    reboot_8716 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for the tips!
     
  4. I think sometimes we set certain parameters that are not true.
    So, do we REALLY need to indulge in certain behaviours? Or are we just telling ourselves that?
    I'm very new to this nofap, but despite various fails, I am now comfortable with not getting aroused around attractive women. I literally look away and don't care.
    So, a new habit has been formed.
    Form the rest of the good habits and we can go full Gandalf..
     

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