Need Advice for Spouse Support

Hello,

I'd like to introduce myself. I am a 35 year old male, married with two children. I have struggled with addiction to P and M on and off since puberty. I have many motivations to quit including my religious beliefs, improving my marriage, being a better father, etc.

My biggest challenge will be getting support from my wife. Around the time that we dated I was seeing a professional councilor for P addiction and was able to build up a good amount of sobriety. I told my wife (girlfriend at the time) about the addiction and was able to talk one-on-one with her. She was initially supportive but I could never get her to attend counciling or a support group with me. She is an extremely introverted and private person. Not long after getting married we struggled with infirtility and she became extremely depressed. During this time I relapsed. I sought out a religious councilor for help and told my wife about the relapse. She again refused to go with me for any sort of counciling or therapy. I was able to get good help and support through church to become sober again. The infirtility problems continued and my wife's depression worsened to the point where I feared she was suicidal. At some point I relapsed again and was counciled not to tell her because she was potentially suicidal. Time went on, we did IVF and had twins and moved away from the church group where I had received help. I eventually slipped back into the P and M addiction and it was easier just not to tell anyone. Other than attending an anonymous support group a couple of times I have not talked to anyone about the addiction for at least 5 years.

I know I need to talk to my wife about it but I don't know how to. Her depression is better than before having our kids but she still has issues. Our marriage has been okay but obviously the guilt of what I have been doing keeps me from truly connecting with her. We have occasional arguments (like any couple would) and I've asked her about marriage counseling but she always refuses. She doesn't even really have any sources of support. She is not close with her mother and doesn't have close friends that she talks to. I'm just afraid that if I tell her that she will have no way to deal with her feelings and I don't know what will happen. Any advice?

To conclude, I know I can beat this and I know things will get better. I'm here to get support and advice and get my life back on track.

 

No, she refuses any kind of counseling. I know I need to talk to her but I want her to be able to get some support with the emotions that she will inevitably have.

 

Back while dealing with infirtility I found her a therapist and she to one appointment. She said she didn't like it and didn't ever go back.

 

I have thought of the possibility of online communities. Like I mentioned above she does not associate much outside of the house other than she does play a game on her phone that has a chat feature that she uses. I don't think she has any deep conversations with people on the game but I could be wrong.

I could see her being much more open to online communities than face to face support. When I do talk to her I will definitely mention this community as a place to find support.

 

Thank you. I have had text conversations with my wife before when we've argued about other things and it has worked.

In general she doesn't have a problem talking to me about things. A lot of times I feel like the one leg on a one-legged stool. I really want her to have a larger support network.