NEED ADVICE HELP

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by MattJh67, Feb 22, 2021 at 8:10 AM.

  1. MattJh67

    MattJh67 Fapstronaut

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    I'm on a new streak on day 7 so need some advices.

    1) I was on youtube so came across a hot milf totally random on a channel and got a boner, didn't touch anything but some pre-cum came on it's own after. Is it a relapse? I didn't even watch it like 3mins. It wasn't P, or anything it was just a random lady with hot legs, but you know still watched it 2 mins but then I realised I was getting a turn on so I close it.

    2) I'm like 22 yrs old so is it okay that I like mature woman more? Like woman around their 40s? I'm getting a bit more sensitive you know.

    3) I got the urge so didn't PMO or anything. But still a little bit pre-cum came so would it kill my benefits? Bcs I'm on hard mode, although I can't completely remove woman out of any video I watch you know. This could happen again randomly. Does boner and precum give me blue balls? Bcs It's a bit heavy down there now. I didn't even touch my belly or anything beneath it.
     
  2. Uncle_Iroh

    Uncle_Iroh Fapstronaut

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    First of all just relax, you seem to be quite irrate afterwards and I understand, you're probably disappointed, but don't be. Personally considering the "mode" you are doing I would consider this a slip, you'll have to put your counter back in my opinion, if you ahdn't looked at it for 2 minutes it would be different, but you went on and intentionally looked at something sexual. Whether or not it's "real" porn, it's sexual, I class it any purposely posted sexual content as a slip, meaning if I viewed something that was posted purposely for the means of being sexual, then that is it.
    Secondly, ofcourse you can find women in their 40s attractive, nothing wrong with that, I've found women in their 50s and 60s attractive, you can 't help what you're attracted to so be calms and don't worry.
    I wouldn't say a bit of precum would kill your "benefits", although you were probably seeing any serious benefits yet anyway, and probably may never even notice them so again, just relax. Obviously if you tease yourself and allow your body to start the process of ejaculation (whether you did any or not) your body will be wanting to burst, so stop doing this, you cannot tease yourself and allow these things to happen, you are only doing more damage than good, but in time it will settle, just sit easy and don't go near the area.

    Now here is some advice I give people, or maybe more ways of mentally apporaching overcoming serious porn use/addiction, so here goes:

    1. No half measures
    This thing has you gripped, it's not going to disappear one day and you'll be fine, you've got to work for it and give your all to getting through it, if you don't it will always haunt you. So don't take any half measures, don't allow yourself to make excuses or just take a peek, you've got to be in the fight 24/7!

    2. Get rid of your smart phone (I said no half measures)
    Smart phones are amazing, they open our world up to so many different amazing quality of life apps, information that we wouldn't know and instant messages to friends, and that's just the tip of the iceberg. Tragically though, they close people off from the real world, maybe not everyone, but many people find themselves sucked into their phones and never looking up (I mean just look around you on the street or in public places). For porn/sex addicts, it is no doubt the case. One minute we're just relaxing, then BAM there's an urge, and within 30 seconds you can be looking at all the sexual material you ever wanted (as you just described), any fetish, any body type or even specific people. It's hell for us, it makes it too easy for us, and that's why it needs to go. NO EXCUSES!

    3. Find a group or a person to help you
    I think for me the best thing I have done is join my weekly SAA (Sex Addicts Anonymous) group in my city, it has opened me up and made me for the first time see other addicts, not just read about them over the internet. A place like NoFap is brilliant and supportive, but I think getting together face to face (or over Zoom as it is currently) is game changing. Seeing the faces of other people with your problem, some over it and some still struggling just give you some motivation, you can see there's an end and you can see that you're not the only one. On top of that it gives you a simple program to follow, a way of realising how far you've delved and the things that led up to it, plus any actions you did whilst gripped in your addiction that you are ashamed of all with the help of someone just like yourself.
    If you don't want to reveal yourself that's fine, I am joining weekly phone meetings as well, they're available for all and there's no discrimination there, no judging, you can say your piece and listen to others knowing that it's all confidential and anonymous. I would highly recommend the face to face meetings though if you have one in your area. If you do join a group, swap numbers, call people daily or less if there aren't enough people to call 7 days a week, and get yourself a sponsor straight away. Just have an open mind.

    4. Exercise
    No doubt you've heard this over and over, or read it on here, but exercise is a great way to help overcome addiction, and also just great for your mental health period. For me there's no better feeling than waking up in the morning, not wanting to get my arse out of bed, but making myself do so and go running for miles, pumping some weights or working on cardio and abs based workouts. Another one that I can sadly not do right now is Swimming, for me I adore swimming and can't wait to get back to it, but be warned you will see people half naked, so that's something to consider. Exercise is great in a pinch too, doesn't always have to be strenuous, but when an urge is coming you get your arse up and start moving, flail those arms, kick those legs, get yourself on the floor and do some press ups, just work yourself and don't stop til you feel a bit more clear headed.

    5. Tell someone
    If you haven't already, I recommend talking to a friend, maybe multiple friends, even your parents. Addiction thrives in secrecy, we kind of enjoy that it is ours, but when you expose it you drag it out of the place that makes it so powerful, your own mind.

    6. No half measures
    Yeah I'm saying it again, you can't do this unless you go all in, it will be too hard and that I guarantee. I have fought for 6 years and still I am fighting, but I am always learning every step of the way what is right and what is wrong for me. Can't use the PC when your alone without urging? Move it somewhere else with other people around or you can be seen from outside, otherwise if you live with parents, detach your ethernet cable or wireless adapter and give it to them certain times in the day, or just always and only take it back if you really do need it. Can't use the internet without an urge? Then block sites with the many apps out there, if you don't have the money to pay for them then a good one I recommend is Leech Block, it's free and although you can access it, you can make it harder or impossible by giving someone else the chance to set the option password, then you're never changing the blocked sites. You don't trust yourself even when you're using the internet with all these problems out the way? Then get an accountability app, it does cost money though and haven't found one that hasn't, but you can have that lingering feeling there to scare you that someone else (who you trust of course) can see everything you are going on, not a nice thing to know if you are like me and aren't proud of your past history.

    It seems like a lot, well hell yeah it is a lot, because you can't go into fighting this without a serious commitment. You will never be the same again, you can never watch porn or any 'purposely posted sexual content' ever again, that's it, no more. Now obviously we have to be realistic, you are probably going to watch porn again, we all are very likely too, but stay calm. You need to apporach this fight one day at a time, forget streaks, they only imply that you will end a streak and start another one again and if you want to be done with this then you aren't doing this for a streak. You needn't be 1 week, 1 month or 1 year sober today in this moment, you just need to get through this moment and the next, finish this day and one day you will be 1 year sober on day at a time. Just don't beat yourself up, it gets you nowhere wallowing ore being angry, this stuff starts and ends with pain, it only sends you backwards.

    I hope this helps, if you need more advice or have some questions drop me a message and I will get bac when possible. Good luck friend!
     
  3. MattJh67

    MattJh67 Fapstronaut

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    Yeah man I read everything you said. I completely agree with everything. But something I have to clear, I didn't search anything sexual the woman was just an sports interviewer with legs exposed. I mean, It was just randomly I got an urge. I said it's under control you know but boner got and I close it then, but I was aroused in like in a shortest time ever, 2 mins booom a little pre-cum. But you know this would happen in public or with a girlfriend too. It was a similar structure to a real life situation. Like I can't avoid random videos bcs I don't know if a woman is there, or is she hot or not you know. Maybe I can do this; as soon as I realize I would get a boner I would close it so pre-cum won't came because you know 2 mins in caused it, If I knew this would happen I would've closed it in 30secs. I don't watch porn for like a long time now, or anything sexual, I won't search it. This was reaaally really random. But what I learned is, it may not happen with a phone actually, I was alone in my room with the pc, which is the gadget for that addiction. Maybe we were attracted to past events? Like you know it made a deja vu crave for past interaction with PMO's and brain wanted it? Maybe brain can't differ when aroused if you were P'ing or anything, because legs always attracted me, and now being sensitive craved it. But you know, there are lots of placed with woman whole bare legs so you can't escape it, maybe I have to live with it? I guess if this happens in real life you would just sit there with boner and continue. If pre-cum came on its own then it's fine because you shutdown that mentality outside. duh. I don't know if it makes sense. But as you said, its passive P, so it must be stopped. I won't do it that way again. Because as you said I looked her legs for 2 mins. and Hard mode that shouldn't be. No arouse to pixels ever.

    That milf thing got me a bit relaxed, thank you for that. I didn't had it before but this nofap thing got me attracted to different kinds of women. maybe a plus? idk.

    Man you can get benefits. reaaally. I've been through this for like 5-6 years and almost everyday PMO'ing. 5-6 times a week. It kills you man. I 'm doing 7 day streaks now and I'm seeing huuuuuuge benefits in just small streak like that. Especially social way. I'll start again for a 30 day soon, but I only managed that 1 time. lol. I'm going to increase it small ways. First 7 then 14 and then 21 days.
     
  4. |Hanuman|

    |Hanuman| Fapstronaut

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    No. It's not a relapse pal. But don't watch it or some sort of it again or you will end up relapsing.
     
  5. Uncle_Iroh

    Uncle_Iroh Fapstronaut

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    Well if it wasn't a sexual thing I presume not, but I say if you saw the thumbnail and the woman attracted you to the video for that I would say that was, because you actively went looking, but if not then cool. I know full well there's no avoiding sexual things, adverts and TV shows today are ruled by sexuality half the time, I wasn't saying anything of the sort, just wanted to clarify that if you actively make a decision to view something, or even carry on viewing something knowing that you're getting a trhill, then I would class that as a slip. You have to have a definitive view on what you see, not what everyone else thinks at the end of the day though, then you have to be absolutely honest with yourself when it happens and make no excuses.

    Well it's probably your brain just trying to get at anything, grabbing any stray thought and getting you to go watch porn, it thinks it's helping you in some way, but obviously it's a trick and you need to be more aware of your present thoughs and not allow mindless thinking. Hard I know but it's a great way to ovecome an urge.

    I'm not saying there aren't benefits, I have benefits for sure, I can get hard now which is more a relief than anything. I just think they're not benefits of NoFap, they're just your body returning to normal, you will have been social if this hadn't have gotten you, so it's just returning to the normal ways of thinking rather than gaining some great "super power" as people like to think.
     
  6. MattJh67

    MattJh67 Fapstronaut

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    Yeah man, I believe and agree with you all through. again. Brain playing tricks on us sometimes eh? But that's bad man, and I shall not fall into that trap. But what I realized that all these years, I wasn't like a zombie. When this pandemic started, it turned into an everyday activity and for like as close as 3-5 months I was exhausted, like rip man. I was like a walking zombie literally. How that happened? I don't know. I think I read somewhere that it wasn't that energy draining bla bla but it seems it is. Dude, even mentally it elevated me in just 7 days. Really how's that possible idk. It drains me mentally. I can't even understand what I read for like a day. It gives me migraine, like a lot of headache. It exhausts my legs. I walk like a zombie with no energy. I can't focus on my studies. Morelike mentally I mean it kills my future positivity, I translated into a pessimist person because of this shit man. I was full of joy in high school man. How can it be happen that it's all cause of this small thing in life? If I couldn't understand this was the cause what would my life be? and it's pandemic so good time to get my eyes open. But inner peace restoration is possible in 7 days believe me. I achieved that. I wonder what happens if I go like 90 days? Dude, what's more, all my positive means of life was NoFap streaks that I didn't intentionally did. Once a summer camp, like 8 days nofap, boom I could even get a girlfriend there, like almost perfect relations with girls. How could I not understand that it's all because of nofap to this day is really a down shit for me man.
     
  7. Uncle_Iroh

    Uncle_Iroh Fapstronaut

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    NoFap definitely does have positive affects I am not arguing that I assure you, it's like you say, you're a zombie and it helps to wake you up, to bring you back to normality. I just think we need to understand that it's more a realisation of the brain returning to it's normal ways over time.
    In terms of wondering how it's different between 7 and 90 days, I would say don't have some great expectation, in reality you will feel better at 7 days because by 90 days it'll all feel far more normal, so the effects won't stand out. I will say just stop thinking about the future, don't have some expectation, just get through the day, honestly the future will come in it's own time, it's not something that needs to be worried about.
     
  8. MattJh67

    MattJh67 Fapstronaut

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    Yeah man you are right. I'm counting each days now because it's up to 30 days challenge but once I go one more 30 days I will stop counting ever again. Did you also see some positivity in yourself? I used to anxiety a lot, but now I literally can't much. It's still there but not like end of the world or something. I used to can't even eat some meals due to anxiety. But that's definitely going and I hope it even progresses further.
     
  9. Uncle_Iroh

    Uncle_Iroh Fapstronaut

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    Well try not to obsess over the number, just work on the days and remember when it started, you may go beyond 30 and not even realise, it's a great feeling when you do!
    I saw a lot of changes no doubt, mainly my more openness to conversation, but generally there are things that ultimately need dealing with that nofap can't help, short temper and stress being some of them, but I'm learning to cool off before it kicks in these days which is good!
    Well anxiety can crop up at any moment without you expecting it, that's why it's so harmful, but you will leanr to deal with it better and that's all that is needed, one day it may just go away.
     

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