Need advice! My boyfriend wasnt honest and that hurts

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by noteveragain, Jul 20, 2014.

  1. noteveragain

    noteveragain Fapstronaut

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    I want to share my story of porn being a problem in my relationship. English is not my first language, so there might be mistakes.

    My boyfriend and I are together for 1,5 years. After we watched the movie don Jon couple of months ago, we starten talking about watching porn. I hated it to hear that he watched it. I took some time to think about it and I didnt feel secure and good enough anymore :( i hated it that he watched other woman. The pain and the hurt didnt stop, so i wrote him a huge email with my feelings about it: That i was feeling so sad that he needed to see porn and that i didnt feel secure anymore about my own body. The porn he watched were very skinny girls and i am skinny, but not model skinny. I even tried to lose weight to satisfy him. In the beginning of our relationship he couldnt get an erection and it broke my heart. I thought it was because of me not being pretty enough, but now i know the reason why. We agreed both that porn is bad for our relationship. So i thought he would quit forever.

    So after my email i send him, 7 months later we talked about it again. I felt like his behavior was changed a bit again. I was just feeling that he was watching again without telling me about it. We had a huge fight. He admitted that he was clean for a couple of months, but started watching again the last weeks. My heart broke and is still broken :( i am so so sad that he is still watching it without telling me :( i just couldnt believe it.

    After a huge fight and almost a break up he says now that he wants to stop watching and choose for us. BUT i am so hurt and sad, that i dont know if i can trust him ever again! I feel so betrayed by him. And have the feeling that he might keep other secrets from me.

    I feel ugly, i feel super sad, i feel just not enough.

    How can i ever fix my relationship? :( we talked and he still says he is going to quit, but how can i ever believe him? I feel so lost.
     
  2. noteveragain

    noteveragain Fapstronaut

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    As you see in my signature i quit masturbation myself too :) 2 days already :)
     
  3. Arden

    Arden Fapstronaut

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    I have been in the situation of your boyfriend.

    It's sad, and you have good reasons to feel hurt.

    But don't make it about you. Your boyfriend probably thinks you are pretty, and does not go to porn because of you. We almost never do.

    Sometimes, out of curiosity, we might go to porn for something our girlfriend does not have. But usually, it's not the reason.

    We go online for an escape. Because we love the thrill, the excitement. The novelty! It's all about the rush, the excitement of discovering an infinite source of content.

    It's bad, I know. It's empty as hell. But guys still do it.

    So don't put it on you. Be strong, confident. Believe firmly that you are pretty and attractive. You boyfriend did, in a way, cheated on you. But he did it because of him, because he could not - like all of us here up until now - resist the temptation to feel the rush.
     
  4. Squeaky Soul

    Squeaky Soul Fapstronaut

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    You should have your boyfriend join the forum... Of course, only if he's open to it. One of my best friends quit PMO without NoFap, so maybe he can do the same. This forum makes a big difference though.

    ~Squeaky Soul
     
  5. Hotshot

    Hotshot Fapstronaut

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    Your boyfriend should join the forum. He can get some good accountability and some communication with people who are in the same boat as he is. This could be a great resource for him to overcome an addiction, because that is what it is.
     
  6. Captain B

    Captain B Fapstronaut

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    Hey noteveragain!
    I remember my ex strongly disliked that I watched porn but we never really talked about it. Damnit! If we had talked about it, I could've gotten rid of this bad habit years ago! So you're making the first right steps here!

    I've been trying to talk to some friends about the negative side effects of porn and it's sooo hard to even get the basic ideas through to them. In general, I would advise you to not try to make him feel guilty because his porn use makes you feel bad, but to point him towards the right information about negative side effects so he can make up his mind for himself. So for example you could show him some of this stuff:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wSF82AwSDiU
    http://www.yourbrainonporn.com/what-are-the-symptoms-of-excessive-porn-use
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XvyejdlmKpE

    Also, there is no need for you to feel intimidated and insecure with your body because of your boyfriend's porn use. When I was with my ex and I was still watching porn, I still loved her body. It's hard to explain that though when someone is looking at pornstars all the time. But I think this quote from 500 days of summer is quite accurate here:

    "I think technically ‘The Girl Of My Dreams’ would probably have like a really bodacious rack, you know, maybe different hair, she’d probably be a little more into sports. But truthfully, Robyn is better than the girl of my dreams. She’s real."

    It's just hard to fully grasp the meaning of this sometimes.
     
  7. brianh139

    brianh139 Fapstronaut

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    Some of these guys brought very good points into play here. As they said he and all of us here are in it for the unbearable rush of excitement and all of porn. But porn is an addiction not away of showing the person that he loves is ugly other wise he wouldn't be standing next to you at the movies he would have another pretty girl. Porn can be stopped and make him get up here and tries this because it works since I've started this i haven't pmoed since april.or you can get him to get out more like to exercise,go camping, aggravate the crap out of him until you get him to agree to do things he doesn't normally do fun things to make him enjoy the free time he has with you and/or family rather than get stuck on something he will never want to throw away from his brain files later in life. And as far as the trust issue goes 3 strikes your out warn him you have one more time to screw up even if you dont wanna
     
  8. noteveragain

    noteveragain Fapstronaut

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    Thank you everybody for the great advices.

    @Arden: i think it takes time to see it is not about me who is not pretty enough, but that is hard!
    I am happy that I watched porn myself in the past, so i can understand where he is coming from. I was just able to stop after I felt that it hurt me in some ways. I felt filthy and it was like I cheated on my boyfriend. In the past I never thought about porn that it was bad. BUT IT IS! and not even for your relationship, but for yourself too!
    I am working on my confidence now. I eat more healthy and really want to take care of myself!

    We talked about it a lot and now it is finally clear that he really has to stop. Seven months ago it wasnt that clear. I have to be honest with that. I said like: I would be very hurt if you do it again, but if you do, i dont want to know...... So I kept that open for him and after a couple of months he filled it in with watching porn. So i understand a bit why he was still watching, because i never forbid him not to do it. NOW it is different. If he ever watches porn or keeps it as a secret I AM GONE!

    i talked with him a bit about the forum. Maybe he will join. He has to make his own choices in that. But what i do know is that he watched some porn on brain videos on youtube. So he is working on it and says that he REALLY wants to quit. i have to give him this chance to show me he wants to work for our relationship.

    @CaptainB: Thanks a lot for all the videos. I watched them :) I hope my boyfriend will do too.
    I am so sad to read that you and your ex never really talked about you watching porn :( i hope you will do better in a next relationship. I think it is so important to talk. My boyfriend and I are mostly open about everything and that he didn't tell me about porn, was a surprise for me. It was like he sneaked into his own little world-head and I really felt that in some way, it hurts!

    Talking to friends about porn... Been there too. But it seems that they really think that it doesn't harm them or their relationships.

    Until yesterday I was a person telling him that I thought it is terrible what he did. But i try to change that know. I really want to trust him and give him this chance. If he hurts me again in the future of keeping secrets for him self I am gone.

    Oooooo, i really LOVE your quote about 500 days of summer, it is one of my favorite movies!!

    O yeah, and dont forget that I am also doing a challenge myself to stop masturbate. I am on day 4 already. things are going great, but before sleep I feel like i want to touch myself, but didnt do it until now. I normally masturbated every day. It feels like a challenge, but i feel good with it. I want to give all my love to my boyfriend! So he isn't in this alone, i do some work myself too :)

    @Brain: quote: And as far as the trust issue goes 3 strikes your out warn him you have one more time to screw up even if you dont wanna > I totally agree with that!

    Thank you all so much for taking time to read my post and to answer it. I will keep you updated!
     
    Last edited: Jul 22, 2014
  9. Geyser

    Geyser Fapstronaut

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    Hey Noteveragain,

    Seems like you have everything under control here. You are working on yourself, so that shows you bf you are serious about this. You've made your feelings on the subject clear to him. You've discussed the NF forum and given him the tools he needs to quit. At this point if he still watches porn he is essentially choosing porn over you. In which case I agree, bail on him!

    But don't necessarily blame him. He may be an addict and not have realized it yet. I was addicted years before I realized it. Unfortunately, you can't help an addict until they choose to stop.

    Keep working on yourself. Try and help your bf, but in the end do what's right for you.

    Hope this was helpful,

    Geyser
     
  10. PaulBaron

    PaulBaron Fapstronaut

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    Hi noteveragain.

    My opinion is slightly different.

    First of all, you should treat porn addiction as severely as any other addiction. And it may be worse, because it'sall around us,unlike drugs that you need to go and illegaly buy. Quitting porn is as hard as quitting smoking, too much candy etc. And in the absence of porn, a guy can still fantasize... how can you shut your own brain??? - areal problem here.
    Due to this, I think that if you go too hard on your BF, it will be a burdain on him. Pressure doesn't help, on the contrary.

    I agree with the guys here, people turn to porn for the NOVELTY. You may be EXACTLY the girl of your BF's dreams, but there's this one thing that you can never be: not-yourself. Now, to my opinion, our nature is NOT to be monogamous creatures. You see how many people cheat on their spouses. How many non-cheaters end the relationship in divorce, and how many people live in "serial monogamy", being faithful for short periods - ther growing tired of what they've got, and searching for the next mate.
    I am faithfully married for 25 years - but I strongly believe that porn HELPED me, by giving me novelty, so It was easier not to look for real partners to cheat with. Don't have a mistake - I'm trying to recover from my addiction (sadly I had a relapse n hour ago). I think that porn is bad for those who get addicted to it (and for the exploited actors), as much as wine is bad for alchoholics. However, Ithink that watching porn is not necessarily cheating.
    What is cheating? It's acting against the agreement you have with your BF. For example, we never thought that porn is a problem until 15 months ago. So I used it as a natural thing, we were both OK with it. As a more radical example, we decided to try spouse-swapping, and found ourselves in a deep relationship that lasted four years with another couple. This was NOT cheating, both because it was agreed, and also because we felt happines when seeing the joy of our spouse with the lover. We just loved them together, and it was part of our own relationship, just as loving our kids is.
    Actually, mthis relationshipis what opened my eyes to see that I'm addicted. Then things changed: using porn DID become cheating. 1stly it's cheating on myself. Only in 2nd place it's cheating on my wife, and then on my lover.
    Sadly, my lover couldn't understand how hard the effort is, and they left us on this background. See the irony? Having lovers = OK, but watching porn = cheating.
    I can tell you that the heart ache of losing our lovers makes the recovery HELL, and it's so much harder to accomplish it. I get feelings of unworthyness etc. I'm glad that my wife understands my occational relapse, but if I relapse when she's in bad mood - I hide it from her. See? I never lied to her before, on absolutely NOTHING. But now I sometimes just have to. In order to protect myself. Because her anguish and anger will only do both of us worse.

    Remember, recovering from an addiction is a process. When one relapses, a supporting environment can prevent it from becoming a complete drawback. Accusations and anger may do the opposite.
    Of course, you may decide at some point, just like my lover did, that it's too much for you living with an addict - and it may drive you to abandon him. And it's fair. Living with an addict of any kind - is hard. Are you ap for it? Are you determined to help him? If so - then support him., and abandon any thoughts of self esteem that have nothing to do with his addiction. If not... you shall start your own life ASAP leave now.

    Hope that at least I've raised some thoughts...
    Paul
     
  11. PaulBaron

    PaulBaron Fapstronaut

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    Oh, so many mistakes and keyboard misstyping... and I am not English native speaker either... pardon me. Ask if something is completely unreadable. :-/
     
  12. noteveragain

    noteveragain Fapstronaut

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    The thoughts: 'he watched other girls having sex over you', and, 'in his mind he thinks of having sex with other girls' is haunting me every day :( That is the most difficult part for me :(

    @Geyser: I didnt want to be the control person in the first place, but because I really can not live with him watching porn, I have to take things under control. I hate this role, but I do it for our relationship.I really tried everything so I could handle that he was watching. But it was not more than a play, I acted like I didnt care. Wanted to be honest about that, but didnt want to take his addiction.

    Sometimes I think that this relationship is already too broken to be fixed. I still feel the pain in my heart that he chose porn over me. And he says he stopped, but I have to see this over a long period of time. Ieuw, how much I hate porn and how it affects us :(

    But also I have the feeling that I have to give him this chance. But i agree with this: At this point if he still watches porn he is essentially choosing porn over you When he is doing it ever again, without talking with me about it before (behind my back), I will stop this relationship. I know this is a difficult one, because it is an addiction, but I just can not live with it if he would do it behind my back ever again. He crossed that line and I have to stick up for myself.

    Thanks Geyser!

    @PaulBaron: i will reply later this day! :)
     
  13. noteveragain

    noteveragain Fapstronaut

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    @Paul: thanks for you reply. I dont want to pressure him at all, but I can feel that is sometimes happens. I am very hurt by the way things went.

    The problem is: I dont feel like the girl of his dreams. I feel not confident anymore, after I know what he did.

    It is true what you say: men are not monogamous creatures. So your man will cheat on you, or he will watch porn or look at other woman and think to have sex with them :( This makes me really sad! I know it is difficult for you guys. It is just NEVER good enough. One woman will NEVER BE GOOD ENOUGH! Sad, sad, sad :(

    [NSFW]In a way I still think that looking at other woman, having sex, looking at their tits and bodies IS CHEATING! You are totally thinking about another woman![/NSFW]

    And as long as you are both okay with how are things are going, then it is not cheating, because you talked about it and agreed on it. But my boyfriend crossed the line with doing it without telling me. Went into his own head with filthy porn and cut me out.

    quote: I can tell you that the heart ache of losing our lovers makes the recovery HELL, and it's so much harder to accomplish it. I get feelings of unworthyness etc. I'm glad that my wife understands my occational relapse, but if I relapse when she's in bad mood - I hide it from her. See? I never lied to her before, on absolutely NOTHING. But now I sometimes just have to. In order to protect myself. Because her anguish and anger will only do both of us worse /quote

    Sorry i just dont agree with that. I do UNDERSTAND it, but i just dont agree.

    I do understand that negativity doesnt work, but what about my feelings. I dont want to hold them in. I am super scared he is going to do it behind my back because of my reaction.

    I want to do the right thing with not be too negative, but I just cant. One relapse and I am gone. Sorry... I need to protect myself!
    I try to be supportive, but i am not going to act like I am, when I am not.

    It is just clear: me or porn?
     
    Last edited: Jul 27, 2014
  14. PaulBaron

    PaulBaron Fapstronaut

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    Try to imagine another scenario: It's not porn. It's booze. He gets drunk. He does NOT mistreat you. He just drinks too much, on daily basis, and he decided to recover.
    Now... he was recovered, as far as you know, but then one day you discover that he drank and hid it from you. Same ultimatum? It's you-or-vodka? Or is it different, and you can understad that he's doing an effort and had an occational relapse?
    Some couples divorce on this background. If the alchoholist becomes too unfunctional, and being with him is a burdain, and the wife gets nothing good out of the relationship, and finds out that she cannot help him. (Or vice versa - she's the drinker and he leaves).
    However, you should ask yourself: is he really a lost cause? Or is it your ego that wouldn't compete with porn, that tends to be hurt? The second issue is YOUR issue, and it's OK to leave him on this background, but the problem is yours, internal, and has nothing to do with him. Your next boyfriend will at some point in your relationship start glancing at other women - with no particular intentions, just because they are beautiful, and he is designed to lust for them even if he wouldn't betray your trust. And you will notice and....???
    BTW- it's natural for all humans to lust and seek variety. Women too. Monogamy is a cultural unnatural thing. Scientifically proven. MOst couples in the west are (concentually open or) cheaters from one side of the matrimony, or both. And sooo many marriages end - whilst if the expectations were more realistic, the relationship could last lovingly for so much longer. Why end a good thing just because there are more good things? What you describe as "sad" I describe as "natural". What saddens me is that people can't see that they are deeply loved when the lover happens to love or lust others too - which is his/her nature anyway.

    Do you think sexually and romantically only and exclusively at your BF? Haven't you ever felt a little tingle in your heart when you saw an attractive guy? Didn't you ever tell yourself: "Ooo, he could be nice... a good fit for me..."?
     
  15. not2late

    not2late Fapstronaut

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    Hey Noteveragain. I'd like to share my story with you. As an addict i told my then gf 6 years ago of my addiction. She was furious and hurt like hell. We then went through the (wrong) phase of her helping me and being my accountability partner while I went to therapy. This was before there was a community like this on the net. The only ones opposed to p where christians, so I felt like a weirdo. She supported me as good as she could but my addiction broke her down to the point that she couldn't bare me telling her.
    So I stopped telling her. We are now married for three years and between us it's great only I have a HUGE addiction problem which she doesn't know about. Now I can't tell her because she couldn't bear to hear it and now I've got to deal with it myself. Even though I now FINALLY understand what it's about (all this information about the brain wasn't known then! I never heard of the coolidge effect or what it did) and it has NOTHING to do with her, I still cannot tell her. She will be so furious it will break her. And us. And I couldn't tell her half way through my problem because she pretty much gave the same ultimatum. Even though she forgave me everytime I was so scared to tell her anything, because she experiences it pretty much the same way you do.

    Now as for you: if you feel like you can't handle an addicted bf then end the relationship. Nobody can go cold turkey unprepared. If you do not accept that he might fail multiple times then the relationship is doomed. This includes lying btw. For this is an addiction with a lot of the same symptoms. Just like PaulBaron said. I really wish my now wife would understand that, but like you, she focusses a lot on the betrayel and the feeling of cheating. And even though I don't think that's fair, it's her right to experience it the way she does. Since me being addicted isn't fair to her.

    Now what choice does your bf have after your ultimatum? He will hide it like I did and you will find out later, or he will tell you in hope of support and you will end because you said 'never again'. I'm not critisising your decision, for I understand and I kinda wished my gf ended the relationship while she had the chance for I do not know how to fix my marriage atm, and I never had the chance to end it because I was trying to stop for her, God and later myself. It should be about myself.

    So take it from a guy who's seen his girl crushed and made bad choices in hope of staying with her: either treat it like any other addiction and support him or get out. Both choices are fair. And if I seem cold writing you these hard consequenses, know that I've been crying while writing this.

    I wish you the best in every way,
    With kind regards.
     
  16. msa2388

    msa2388 Fapstronaut

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    Get him to admit that it's a problem if he hasn't already. Try your best not to make his problem into an even bigger problem for you...help him and support him get over it because now matter how much it sucks for you...it could be eating him alive inside.

    I lost a girlfriend to my addiction, and when she walked out the door I felt as though the one person in the world that I could have confided in, abandoned me. It wasn't all her fault, because I also wasn't honest about my problem with her. But had she stayed I don't think I would have ever felt closer to someone, and I would have felt much more loved and cared about.

    Read through "yourbrainonporn.com(/.org?)" and "fightthenewdrug.com". They have great resources that really break down what pornography does to a person.

    If you work through it with him, you could end up being even closer. But also realize that at some point, a person has to want to help themselves and he's the only one that can fight through it. If he isn't willing to do it, know when to call it quits too.
     
  17. noteveragain

    noteveragain Fapstronaut

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    @PaulBaron: I have tried to see it in many different ways. I still think: you should not hide things from eachother. Even if it is hurting the other, you have to stay honest. And then you can find a solution together. Nobody wants that the partner does something behind their backs, whatever it is. But it happens in a lot of relationships.
    My boyfriend is definitely not a lost case. But the things that happened hurt me more than I ever expected. quote: Or is it your ego that wouldn't compete with porn, that tends to be hurt? /quote. Definitely true! And you are right: the insecurity is my problem and I am working on that.
    I just hate that everything you say about monogamy is true :( I wish it was different.
    quote: Do you think sexually and romantically only and exclusively at your BF? Haven't you ever felt a little tingle in your heart when you saw an attractive guy? Didn't you ever tell yourself: "Ooo, he could be nice... a good fit for me..."? /quote. Weird enough, I never have this with another guy. I also do not think about other men having sex with me. I did when I watched porn myself, but I didn't feel well with it, it felt like cheating, looking to other women and men. But ofcourse, I know the feeling that you mean. I just chose to cut that all out of my life.

    Not2late: thank you so much for sharing your story. I am so sorry to hear this. I hope in the meanwhile you work on your addiction. I do not agree about being not honest towards your wife. But you know, I just dont know how this addiction feels. I watched porn myself in the past, but I could quit pretty easily. I have no idea how it is when it is hard to stop.
    Ofcourse I am super scared that he is hiding it from me, but if he does and I will find out, then our relationship is not based on honesty...
    I try to support him, but I have days that I am just mad :( I cant hide his.

    And why do we girls have to carry this weight? I just dont understand! We are honest and you guys just go on with your addicion :( I just dont understand. You know you hurt your REAL girlfriend with it, but probably your fake girlfriends in porn are more important than being honest to your girlfriend?
    Is it so hard to just QUIT! I watched porn almost every day in the past, but I just quit, because I didnt want to think of others men and women than my boyfriend. He deserves this. My sexuality is only there for him. I dont want to do myself on other people, thinking about having sex with them, watching them having sex. Urgh...

    @msa2388: I am suprised myself that it such a problem for me. I know I make it a lot bigger, also for myself. I just need time.
    I also think that the honesty about everything can bring us closer together.

    On the other hand I sometimes think that he broke something that never could be fixed... :'(
     
  18. Solution: Talk a lot, spend a lot of time together, be caring to each other.
    And DON'T JUDGE. Don't "condemn" looking porn. Because this makes it worse. Actually, it is the root of the problem.

    Looking porn = fear of rejection = fear of taking action = fear of taking responsibility = running away from real world
     
  19. not2late

    not2late Fapstronaut

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    Hey noteveragain, how are you doing?
     
  20. noteveragain

    noteveragain Fapstronaut

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    @freedom flight: Thank you so much for your advice. I think the solution is to talk a lot. Too not judge and be mad is soooo hard :( I just hate it so much :( I need time to forget about this, i guess.

    We are actually doing not so good :( we grew a bit apart from each other. I dont feel like I can trust him. That is because he did it behind my back. I need time...

    i dont feel secure... i feel bad about myself and dont know what to do with our relationship. I still feel hurt and I am scared what happens of happened more behind my back.

    But in the end, I really need to trust him again and get over this. Now we are still in the phase of arguing about it.

    I am working on myself and my insecurity, but this is hard. I have an chronic illness and feel very bad about it. A lot of the time I dont look healthy... i am so scared he would go to someone else in the future. i just dont feel good enough :(
     

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