Need help - Fear of approaching girl

Discussion in 'Self Improvement' started by primo19, Jan 9, 2020.

  1. primo19

    primo19 Fapstronaut

    Hello there.

    I know that the title of this thread may seems childish and so on but please don't get it wrong.

    Let's start that I'm nearly 20 years old guy, and in February I will go to school ending party. To be honest I don't wanted to, but pressure from mates and family do the job... And I have time to monday to find some female partner...

    I'm socially anxious and shy from nature, so it's terribly hard for me.. I don't have conversations with girls so often, not even mention some serious relationships. Most guys from my class already have girlfriends and so on.. I feel like a fucking loser. I searched facebook a little and spot some cute girl, but the thing is.. I don't know if I have enough courage in me.. She went to the same school as I, I don't know her but she seems kinda nice, but even if she will agree I don't what abo

    Maybe she will already have somebody to go with, or have boyfriend, or she will reject me.. And I know I will eventually need to talk to her face to face.. I know it sounds stupid but that's just a case. I'm on the streak since 10 days, I started new year like a new life, I feel great, and I know I need to get out of my comfort zone, I started cold showers and walking down the street feels a little bit easier, but getting girls is some other shit... I fapped since early childhood in addition I've been bullied in school as a kid, to this day I get all these feelings inside me..

    My mind tell me - "get back, that isn't for you", I've never been dancing, I've never been really drunk, what if I throw out, or maybe lose conciousness..

    By starting this new year i told myself "time to man up, now or never", I know that I need the change, but I'm just paralyzed with fear...

    I don't know what to do, I'm literally exhausted living this way, feeling judged all the time. I know that if I don't try to fight this I will stay in the same place..What will you do, being in my place?
  2. Stanley_Da_G

    Stanley_Da_G Fapstronaut

    The problem you have friend, is you think too much." What if this or that happens? " You have no power over the outcome so live in the moment.

    The first flaw in your thinking is the idea that I need a girlfriend based on the fact that everyone else has a girlfriend. You don't and it makes you sound needy. Women are primal they don't judge to the same extent as men, appearance, social hierarchy, wealth; women judge behaviour, the other aspects are long term ideals women adhere to but will not base a decision entirely on these aspects. In other words women look for what you make them feel like. Do they feel safe around you? Do they enjoy your company? These questions really mean are you an assertive, directive know what I want, interesting, whitty individual. Or am I a desperate needy individual. To be real with you we are both, but no one wants to see your shitty side and it's probably why women don't give you the attention.

    What I'm saying is try to come off as positive individual fun loving and most importantly genuine. I know my statement is controversial as I said t"to come off as " and "genuine" in the same sentence but you won't get the positive, fun loving aspect all of a sudden.

    Tips would be to watch your mood throughout the day. Second would be posture, good posture shows confidence. The other aspect is your walk. Walk at your natural pace and keep a clear mind. Don't make decisions based off what other people think but what you think. And really get it out. Women don't like people who agree all the time because it casts you as boring or even needy. In other words for others to perceive you as valuable you have to perceive yourself as valuable.

    Know your self worth.

    My scale of reasoning is this

    1. My own interests. What I feel down inside. Meditation is key to unlocking your innermost thoughts.

    2. Immediate family. They will always be there. Their opinions matter the most after yourself.

    3. Your friends. People you feel like yourself around. People you enjoy being around and bring up the best in you. If this is not what they do they are not your friends.

    4. Work/ passions. Priorities. This is your path or your future. Do something you love and keep it consistent. This is what will make you a better you. If you neglect it you stop growing and therefore unlike your friends your always behind and worry about what they think instead of what you think.

    5. Your dog or cat. Your woman has to feel jealous to feel valued. She has to know that with or without her your pet will always be there for you no matter how you feel.

    6. Your girlfriend. Last thing on your mind. Why. Because she likes you for all the other 5 reasons that make you you. If you leave the other 5 reasons she has no reason to like you. You become a boring needy individual. And that's no reason for her to stay.

    All and all. Get the first 5 things in order and then you will meet women by the bucket, you just have to pick the one you want. If you already found the one and she can't see you. Stand out and not deliberately. Prioritize the first 5 things, start interacting with more people and believe me people will when you have the 5 things I mentioned together and use leverage, remember it's a game start chatting to one of her friends make her jealous playfully, be flirty. It takes a while to acquire these skills but you will never if you do not set your priorities straight.
  3. ZenPhysics

    ZenPhysics Fapstronaut

    I agree with @Stanley_Da_G. No matter who you are, where you’re at in life, or how much you’ve recovered from your addiction, there will always be times when you embarrass yourself in a conversation or a girl just rejects you. These setbacks will not kill you, but instead help you adopt a more light-hearted approach to socializing/dating. As a wise man once said, “Anything worth doing is worth doing wrong”.

    So start by failing man! And if it makes you feel better, tell us all about it, we’re here to cheer you up and give you more advice :)
  4. Batty Belfry

    Batty Belfry Fapstronaut

    @Stanley_Da_G and @ZenPhysics have the right train of thought. I wouldn't worry about flirting so much as leaving women and people in general with a positive image of yourself.

    You can playfully tease someone after giving them a compliment. If a girl has curly hair, you could say, "You're hair looks nice, did Olive Garden style it?" Tell her it reminded you of pasta. It's silly small talk, it may not lead to a relationship, but there's no harm or foul.

    The more conversations had, the better cues you'll hear and react to. Succeed at your own pace.
    Hello Friend and primo19 like this.
  5. GuitarAfficionado

    GuitarAfficionado Fapstronaut

    Fear is normal, we usually fear what we never done before. So, that's it. You won't be single forever if you get reject 100s of times. It's part of life, even people like Steve Jobs or Bill Gates got rejected multiple times on their careers and still went to the top.

    Also, don't compare yourself to other people. Compare yourself ONLY to your past self. That's key.

    I feel you because I'm a "overthinker" myself. Sometimes I find out that the only solution is to stop thinking and start acting. Our friends who posted are right on track. First, you ain't obliged to have a company. Second, the later you start, the harder it will be. If you're starting to reboot now, getting your face out there and talking to girls is a good start and can even boost you on your nofap journey.

    Just remember, I said 'talking' to girls. Not flirting or asking them out. You don't need to do that on the first contact, so remember to keep in touch and learn more. Even if you gain a female friend in the process, it will be very valuable as she can help you to learn more about woman and you can even ask her about the girl you want to ask on a date or things like that...

    So, fear is not a matter of choice. How we respond to it, is. Just get started, little by little, and you will see you ain't half as bad as you picture yourself.
  6. HellVorn

    HellVorn Fapstronaut

    From this post, I can easily understand that you have a huge lack of self-esteem and self-confidence too. I feel you bro, I've been here too.

    The first problem I see is that you think you're a loser because you don't have a fucking girlfriend. What the fuck bro? Why do you care about that? Girls are just bonus alright, it's in no way a key to happiness or anything else you know. Like I said, you think this way because you have a lack of self-esteem and self-confidence. So my first advice would be to stop giving a shit about what others might think and also stop putting too much pressure on yourself for bullshit like that okay? And when I'm saying that, I'm speaking knowingly: I never dated any girl at the age of 18 despite the fact that I'm fucking handsome. Just imagine the pressure I should had, it's insane! Anyway.

    The second problem is that you fear rejection way too much. You know, girls are humans, just like you and me. They may not work the same way as men do, but they are still humans. So why do you fear being rejected? I want you to think about the worse thing that could possibly happen. Think about it and ask yourself the following questions: will it matters in 5 minutes? In 5 weeks? In 5 months? In 5 years? If you didn't answer all of these questions with a fucking yes, then you shouldn't give a shit about what could happen. So now, I want you to ask this girl because if you don't, you will have many regrets later on. Life is too damn short to worry about things like that, so please, have fun.

    I know it's easier said than done. But like anything, dating is a skill. And every skill takes a lot of time to be mastered. It will be hard at the beginning: you will fail a lot, you'll be rejected, you'll have a lot of fear in your heart and so on and so on. I want you to remember one thing: the best experiences you will ever live are outside of your comfort zone. Step out of it and live your damn life.
  7. vibemaker

    vibemaker Fapstronaut

    My Journal
    Hey buddy,

    I feel you. I've been in a similar situation when I was your age.

    1: Keep up your NoFap journey. If you're stay free from porn, you'll be ahead of most men out there. Cause being free from porn will bring you a strong presence and awareness. That's something girls really adore. It makes them feel seen and appreciated.

    2: Fear is totally normal. Every man has fear of taking the next step with women. Men who are really good with women just have learned to act even if they feel fear. That's what courage is.

    3: What are you passionate about? Having a cool hobby at your age you're passionate about is half the thing. Girls like men who have goals, who follow their passion.

    4: Maybe you can make up a easy conversation with that girl, where you don't need to exposure yourself to much for the beginning. Just to check her out, what she's into, and if you share some kind of chemistry. If this is the case, than you can get more pushy, and maybe ask her out on a date.

    5: If you have approach anxiety, then you can do some training before you speak to that specific girl you like. I know from experience that if you have never approached a girl you don't know, it can be terrifying. How does such training look like? Go out on the street and speak to strangers. Ask them for directions, or the next coffee shop, whatever... If you do this for a couple of days, you'll be surprised how easy it will be to speak to that girl.

    6: Don't invest just on this one girl. Maybe she's not even as cool as you think. Also take a look around and have an open eye for other girls, who might be interessting.

    7 and probably the most important: Don't act something you are not. I wished someone would have said to me more earlier. If you're shy than be fine with that. Don't try to act some kind of 'alpha-male' behaviour just maybe because that works for other guys. I can tell you, there are a lot girls out there, who like shy men, because they are shy themselfes and feel more comfortable with a men who's a bit like them. Especially in your age, when girls aren't that experienced already your shyness and sensitivy can be a plus for you. You will be able to earn her trust more easily than some other bold men. And this is a big plus. Just don't forget to show her, that you're interested, and have courage to go in for a kiss. You're still young and have lot of time to get more out of yourself, and get rid of your shyness... Be fine with the men you're today.

    If you follow this, you should be pretty fine.
    Last edited: Jan 13, 2020
  8. grungeisinfinite

    grungeisinfinite Fapstronaut

    Hey friend,
    If you're naturaly shy and there's been pressure on you - don't go. Fuck what the mates say, fuck what parents say. I don't mean to say you should be a little asshole, I just mean you should not allow someone really affect you. Like, make tiny pressure or bigger pressure and this is it - you do what you really don't want to.

    But then again...
    This should be a good one. Female interactions or just interactions in general ARE helpful and useful in life. You have to have these experiences so you could exit the zone of comfort, and that zone is not really a nice place for your development. I guess just let things go with the flow. Just relax before you talk or something, at least try to. Also, as mentioned before - don't overthink. It's easier said than done, but try not to.

    And who knows - maybe you will meet her, the one and only - drunk **** (yes, mods - a ****. You can ban me for this or whatever, but never put a word woman here, cause that's not the way woman act, period), laying on the floor, all covered in nice little stinky vomit, barely understanding where's she's at, can't really dance, her breath stinks so she complains about how other dudes kind of stink.
    Nah man, if it involves drinking - it sucks. You are better than that, don't do it. If it's some type of stuff where you can talk a lot, shake your heart out - it is different, it is better, but alcohol is crap, especially when people consume it.

    Anyways, you're guy with your own brain so you decide.
    Last edited: Jan 14, 2020
  9. primo19

    primo19 Fapstronaut

    To be honest I HATE Alcohol. My dad has issues with this, I have bad memories, and for me, it's just shit. But you know, in my social circle, being drunked is COOL and funny, and if you don't like it you're loser and retard, I hate modern teens behaviour, it's so stupid...
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 14, 2020
    grungeisinfinite likes this.
  10. primo19

    primo19 Fapstronaut

    I just wanted to post a little update on my actual situation. Today I have a free day at school so I don't have to go, but although I decided to hang out with my friend, and I spend all day outside my house, yeah, it's fucking achivement for me. In that one single day I give a few punches to my comfort zone. I get a cash from bank, I bought some stuff in stores, went to dentist, I even talked with elderly stranger on the street after car nearly smashed me up near the road. I enjoyed it, I felt so amazing being just outside. And I still don't believe it, but I met the girl I talked about in earlier post. Few days ago I invited her to friends and she accepted me. Today she was entering the store with a couple of friends, and she recognized me for sure, we had strong eye contact and she was smiling... My friend said to me to approach her, but I was ashamed, cause she wasn't alone... After all I felt awesome, I don't know if this mean anything but I feel more attracted to her now...
  11. False

    some things you just have to do to break the spell on yourself, fear of the unknown kills more dreams and aspirations than death
    251219 and primo19 like this.
  12. Infrasapiens

    Infrasapiens Fapstronaut


    fg4795, SirWanksalot and primo19 like this.
  13. Max666

    Max666 Fapstronaut

    My advice: it's probably not a good idea taking advice from people who also have a fear of approaching women.
    Best to hit youtube, seek tips from dating experts on approach anxiety.
    Washwaverr and primo19 like this.
  14. Angus McGyver

    Angus McGyver Fapstronaut

    Just like one of the other users said, you are thinking too much man! But I don't blame you since I was exactly the same when I was your age over a decade ago.
    Especially, you are thinking too much about what others are thinking, saying and doing but the thing is, you have absolutely no control of those so you do best in just letting it go. Instead, focus on yourself and dedicate yourself to self-improvement and self-mastery instead. With that I mean striving to become the absolutely best version of yourself. That is what every man should do indeed.
    In order to do so, focus on exercising, reading, meditating, studying philosophy, developing new skillsets and finding a meaningful life goal and purpose that you strive to fulfill. When you dedicate yourself to self-mastery, very little will knock you off the path and with time, you will feel so much better on the inside which will show up on the outside.
    You will then automatically attract great people, circumstances and events into your life while repelling/rejecting those who are toxic since you will sense their bad energy and vibes right away.
    251219 and primo19 like this.
  15. Stanley_Da_G

    Stanley_Da_G Fapstronaut

    Sounds good, ask her out next time you see her and don't be dull, pretend your the life of the party but keep your cool. I'd recommend you meet her through mutual friends and approach her then. But that's all up to you to work out.

    Anyways best of luck and go get her.
    primo19 likes this.
  16. WayIare

    WayIare Fapstronaut

    Without reading any replies my advice is this.

    Invest in cryptocurrencies.

    Once you have freedom you will exude such a great energy that you'll have your pick of women.
    primo19 likes this.
  17. Washwaverr

    Washwaverr Fapstronaut

    Havent red replys but i gotta tell you.
    And the other thing is you probably shouldn't jump right at her, maybe try to just talk with some other women, maybe randoms on the street just to face the fear, and see what it is. You shouldn't care. I had the same problems as you and I still have them just not so extreme. The first girls you talk to will be sooooooo hard, your knees will shake, your face will start doing weird expresions but once you started the convo nothing can stop you, even tho you are shaking you will find a way to keep comunicating. Face your fears and overcome them, it doesnt happen in a second tho. Try small, talk to randoms, look them in the eyes, ask for numbers even as silly as it sounds. You will get there eventually.
    primo19 likes this.
  18. BecomeMaster

    BecomeMaster Fapstronaut

    There is no such thing as a "fear of approaching girl." What it is, if fear of being rejected or unwanted by a cute girl.

    The only way to overcome this is to realize that not acting on your fancies is much worse than being rejected. To realize that not doing anything is worse than having a cute girl say "no." By not doing anything you will sit in anxiety, wondering what could happen if you tried... but never doing it. This fear of what might happen is called "the flinch."

    If you want to train yourself to overcome this avoiding instinct, simply take a cold shower. Don't start it warm and proceed to cold, step in and activate it on the coldest setting. This trains you well, mentally, for going outside of your comfort zone. Try this every day for a week, at least.

    And yes, just as a reminder, NoFap is very good to better your chances, since you keep yourself up better than after a relapse. Instinctively, girls can tell what type of energy and vibes you have. A longer NoFap streak influences their gut feeling positively in reference to you.

    If you get rejected, just move on. There are billions of humans in the world and you won't miss out so much if you pursue a different girl.
    251219, Washwaverr and primo19 like this.
  19. Washwaverr

    Washwaverr Fapstronaut

    You are actually helping me a lot as well
  20. Washwaverr

    Washwaverr Fapstronaut

    For which I am thankful.

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