Need sex to get approval

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by Secluder, Oct 14, 2018.

  1. Secluder

    Secluder Fapstronaut

    Hello people

    First of all I'm a guy, and a virgin in his late 20's. I have very low self-esteem and confidence, and it has been like that since childhood. I keep connecting sex with my self-image. It feels like if I have sex with a woman, then I will finally feel "good enough" like its a badge of approval.

    The thing is I keep turning down woman, because I lack confidence, and I'm scared of sex. This sex thing is really my biggest issue.

    Does anyone relate to this? Is sex the best way to boost self-esteem? And if not, what can you give me of advice to "fix" my belief on sex?
  2. No, sex is not a self-esteem booster because once the sex is over, you are of no use to the person using you and vice versa. That's not to say it isn't fun, but when the fun is over it's back to being on your own.
  3. Having sex and no longer being a virgin might be helpful, but you may have deeper issues that will still be there.

    The fact that they're willing should be of some comfort. A lot of guys don't get those opportunities .

    Why are you afraid? Do you PMO a lot? If so, you might have PIED - and that could be a pretty misearable experience yr first time.
    Deleted Account likes this.
  4. Sex scares you because you've been deprogrammed by porn from your natural way of thinking, making sex anxious, instead of joyous. The restlessness will pass as you'll get an understanding after your first time.

    The only person you should seek approval from is yourself. Do not connect your age and virgin-status. That will only make you think miserably about yourself because society tells you to. Make something of everything you've got, because everyday counts. Instead of connecting your self-image with sex, which is purely wrong, connect it with your passion, your mission in life. That's what makes you who you are, not sex.
    RealMe likes this.
  5. Meditation Monk

    Meditation Monk Fapstronaut

    Just make sure to have a balance in everything. Focus on yourself, on your life goals, what you want to do with your life and THEN, maybe then, you might want to take off your mind off the sex thing. If a woman doesn't come in your life, then that is good, because it will protect you from child support payments and from getting a divorce if you cheat on your "future" wife.
  6. Ra's Al Ghul

    Ra's Al Ghul Fapstronaut

    I used to do this. I thought pussy/women were validation. I was putting pussy on a pedestal. If you base your worth on this, then you will always be worthless if you're in a dry spell. Work on building your life, things you can be proud of.
    Burrich1 and Immature like this.
  7. I agree with this whole-heartedly - in spite of anything I said above. You must not base your self-esteem on the opinions of girls.
  8. elonmusk

    elonmusk Fapstronaut

    I had around 10 women in my life and now I am married and I still have the same problem as you. I lack confidence when I do not have sex. So I hope that at least that helps you
    in a way that even people who already had sex still feel the same. The problem is in the connection between sex and confidence in general. Sex is not about creating confidence.
    Sex is an intimate connection between persons. It is the most vulnerable act which should mostly prove trust between these persons.
    The only person who can create confidence in your self is you. No one can create that. Some women can make you feel a better person, my wife did. But I have still confidence issues.
    Even when she is the nicest, intelligent and beautiful woman I have ever met and because she loves me proves that I am definitely a likeable person, worth loving and I still lack confidence.
    Confidence is based on your own trust is your self. That you trust your self in doing what you like to do, not what others think you should do, in making your own honest decisions, in having hobbies and simply enjoying your life.
    It is super hard for people who are workaholics or simply do not have any personal life. Because they invest all their time and energy in one thing and if that thing does not fulfil their expectations their whole life can collapse quite easily.
    I am talking from my own collapsion :)
    Secluder likes this.
  9. Burrich1

    Burrich1 Fapstronaut

    Bro, I’m your next 2 weeks of NoFap, you should hopefully start seeing your self esteem rise. This should make it easier for you to talk to girls. No,
    Not have sex with girl, Just talk to girls. Your only in your 20’s. You can still play off the fact that your a virgin in that you are saving yourself for marrige. or you can say “this is embarrassing. I wanted to save myself for marriage, but lately I’m having second thoughts.” And don’t worry about sex. Just go out and meet a lot of people and make a lot of friends. As your self confidence increases from NoFap, more girls will be attracted to you, and it will happen.
    elonmusk and Ra's Al Ghul like this.
  10. Secluder

    Secluder Fapstronaut

    Thanks pal. The thing is I'm scared of sex. I don't know if i'm scared of performing, scared of what it will feel like or something like that. I just want it to be perfect, with the right person etc, and that makes me turn down alot of women.
  11. Secluder

    Secluder Fapstronaut

    I kinda have PIED. I'm beginning to get my erection back, but I am completely numb down there. I don't know how much time it will take to get my sensation back. The longest pmo I've gone was 3 weeks before I relapsed, and that didn't bring back much sensation.
  12. 3 weeks isn't long at all. Give it more time.

    As far as holding off on sex until it is perfect - it will never be perfect, the first time is often awkward. Unless you are genuinely saving yourself for marriage, I think you should get some more No-PMO time - maybe a lot more - and then engage with one or more of these women. It is part of the recovery, anyhow - you need to rewire to women.

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