Need some advice. Think I might be a pedo or somethign like it.

I've gone through my share of equally if not more concerning "fetishes" as well. It's a product of your addiction and escalation over time. As you get more and more addicted to porn, your tastes will reflect less and less of your actual sexual orientation, until all you can get off to is the most disgusting things you can possibly think of. Scat porn, bestiality, that kind of thing. Best thing you can do for yourself right now is to quit porn and masturbation altogether to allow your brain to reboot until you feel nothing but repulsion when you think of the fucked up porn you used to watch. You're going to feel guilt and shame about it for a while, probably some anxiety too, don't worry, it's completely normal. Think of it this way, if it hadn't escalated this far, you might not have ever quit porn, and when you get addicted to it for decades upon decades, your brain can go to some very dark places, lives have been ruined because of it. I'm not one of those people who think porn is inherently bad, personally I think a lot of lesbian porn is very beautiful, tasteful, and extremely passionate, but unfortunately, when people like you and me become addicted to it, it turns into a problem. We just can't handle it. I'm going to miss lesbian porn, but it's for the best. So anyway, trust me on this, there are some other people on this forum who started off as completely normal heterosexuals (not that I have anything against homosexuals) and ended up being turned into sexual deviants by porn addiction. You just need to quit, and everything will go back to how it was before.

 

I completely agree with this and like both of you, I have had my VERY dark porn fetishes. To add my own experience:

I’m 69 days sober today from all PMO. while the mental lust for those deep engrained fetishes is still with me, my overall sexual fetish scale is getting smaller.

Let me give you an example. I am not gay. I did however develop a fetish around master/slave relationships especially when the man is an older father figure. towards the end of my addiction I started to be attracted to men walking around. I would look at their “package” areas when they were sitting and fantasize about them.

Since my recovery, this obsession is 85% gone. I still have the thought sometimes but there’s very little sexual excitement attached to the thought. This gives me hope.

With the deeper engrained fetishes, I’ve noticed it is getting better too, just much much slower. It used to be anyone that fit the mold would get me excited, now it’s only the more attractive looking ones and even those aren’t as sexualized like they were. There’s still a sexual thought, but the pool of people who make me feel that way is getting smaller.

Hope this makes sense and helps.

 

Thanks for your contribute, happy at your progress man, hope everything gets better!

 

I've gone down that rabbit hole too. Started watching transexual porn and eventually wanted to have a transexual experience. I had hypersexualised the idea of it so much so that I was not concerned about it potentially going against my heterosexuality. The difference between you and I is that you are not attracted to little children whereas I still feel an attraction to transexuals. But the fear you have of potentially being a pedophile is enough to make you fixate on these ideas. Remember that thoughts are not real. They may appear to be real but they most certainly are not, especially if you emphatically voice opinions that are contrary to them. You make the decision about the kind of person you want to be. Your mind, though it feels like it is sometimes a malicious entity that is trying to control you, only has the power to do or think as you grant it. As @bassist_car_guy said, the best thing you can do is lay off the PM and allow your brain the chance it needs to calm down and come off that dopamine high. Those thoughts will seem to have less power over you the longer you allow your mind and body to rest.

 

Simply, you should quit porn, and the fetish should fade away after some time. I also had some dark fetishes that I don't want to talk about, and I already feel them fading away, although I'm only over 50 days without PM. I've read posts about people 'becoming' homosexuals or developing other really sick things because of porn, even though they've never been that way. Porn can really be terryfying...

 

Same. I had one dark fetish once. Ugh. Never again with porn. It’s very terrifying actually

 

Dude, i, like many others, have the same. After such a long time of porn you go more and more extreme just to satify your brain. It's the same with drugs and alcohol. when you start drinking it is no problem. After a while you drink more and in the end you drink your complete life down the drain. Be glad you stopped. I can honestly say your taste will be normal again. I, myself, have been to extreme dark places on the web to find my shit, and i also was so scared of being a HORRIBLE guy. But, after 110 days of reboot, i finally get my old taste again. Just give your brain some SOLID reset time, meditate and exercise a lot!

BTW, you might wanna read this..
(i send it to new people)

Hi, i'm am no one special. Just a guy who suffered from addiction for 21 years and helping others. I write this to a lot of people who are starting to work on their recovery, so i hope it will help..


It's a long LONG post, i hope you'll read it.


I've been addicted to booze, drugs, sugar, caffeine, pmo, pmo with a lot of amphetamine, instagram, facebook, compliments etc etc. When i stopped using one, i got involved in the other addiction.


Well, i guess addiction is just a symptom of a deeper problem. It's common for addicts to get addicted to other things when they cut the primal addiction. I guess when you get deeper into why you're addicted it's getting easier to understand.


So figure out the reasons you're getting addicted! And it’s not because you like it. There's more underneath the simple “I like it.”


Just, as i wrote, take a deep look in why you are addicted. Because every short-term solution will cause in increase in dopamine and therefore we feel good. We need that shot because we cannot deal with the feeling that we have when we don't get that shot. We cannot deal with negative emotions.. So, you need to know why you are seeking for the artificial stimulation. I see it as an onion.


The sour onion is nicely stored in the outer skin.


For the sake of convenience, we call the skin around the onion addiction.


When you remove the outer skin around the onion, you spontaneously start to cry. It is acidic. It hurts your eyes. So our natural reaction is to do something about that. Because we as humans are, evolutionarily, programmed to find quick solutions, our first reaction is to put that sheet back in place. We masquerade the acid. So we either fall back into our old addiction, or we find, unconsciously, a new addiction.


So, as I said, When you open the outer layer of the onion, it’s sour, and you will get tears.. Therefore you need to unpeel the onion.


You have to peel all the onion until you get to the core. Work on that core. Unpack the core. And when you have found the core, unravel the core as well. I've noticed that whenever you get to the core, there's still a core. I have had 6 times that I thought I was at the core, but that there was still an underlying problem. And eventually, when you finally got to the core, you stop crying because there is no onion left anymore!


It’s also very handy to watch this video 10 times!!





And it helped me a lot to make a plan. So when i began to stop being addicted i just wanted to stop.. And that's good, but it's freaking hard to maintain focus with only one reason. So i made a plan. Why do i get addicted? What is it in my life that gives me so little joy that i always need to find other ways to get happy. .. So start with the gigantic question... WHY AM I ADDICTED? Do you fully understand why you happen to use all the time? As i wrote i was a full-time addict. Porn, drugs, booze, sugar, caffeine, social media, compliments of other people.. Every short-term solution i used to cope with my problems.. Really, after thinking for so so so long about my addiction i came to the conclusion that my addiction is in every fiber of my life!! And i finally got to a point where i really understand why i'm addicted. Since i fully understand what addiction is and what the mechanisms are behind (my) addiction, it's easier to not give in! For me it started when i was 9 years old. I had many problems in my life.. I was bullied a lot at school. Long story short; me and two friends found some porn magazines and one told me what to do as a boy. In the afternoon i did and BAZINGA, i didn't care about the bullying anymore. At the age of 13 I experienced great youth trauma. And from there it escalated quickly. Years of fapping, drug and alcohol abuse followed till they needed to take me into mental hospital 3 years ago. My main problem was that i have never loved myself. I started to believe it was my own fault that i suffered that trauma, and when i started using drugs i was ashamed etc. At then end i could find only one reason, i used everything just to have a good feeling, find some rest in my head etc. And it was not only substance abuse.. As i wrote, it was in every fiber of my life. Everything was about getting compliments, people telling me i'm a good boy, likes on instagram etc etc...


So, figure out all the things you need to know about addiction in general and about addiction in relation to you. The Internet is pretty useful for that. And, maybe not the most fun thing to do, get bored a lot! In this modern time, we are always busy with something. From the moment you realize you get bored, you will find a way to deal with that boredom. We have internet, books, SMARTPHONES, people to hang out with. See where i'm going.. Our brain get's stuffed with imput, imput, imput.... We are never empty anymore. Yeah, i know, boredom is not fun, but it's essential for healing the mind and for finding answers on such big questions as for why am i addicted, why do i relapse all the time. So, go on the internet, read stories about other people's experiences and get bored and think.. THINK A LOT. I happened to find it most relaxing to go out for a walk in the forest, do a lot of cardio, read, or just meditated. There are a lot of meditation forms. I like the one i count my breath. And, i like the one where i just think about everything that pops up. Most of the time its about my addiction.


So you need to make sure that when you want to fully recover from addiction it has to be at the very top of your list... It has to be the most important thing besides food, water, air, and sleep. So when you fully understand what the mechanisms are behind your addiction, then you make a solid plan.. Just getting in to reboot without a plan is the same as beginning an iron man triathlon with no training at all.


And with a plan i mean a real plan.. So i made a mind map of all the reasons why i don't want to fap and why the hell i want to quit my addiction. I would suggest you make a written paper with 40 reasons why you don't want to fap anymore. I say 40 because 2 to 5 reasons are to short. 40 reasons is a moderately long list so it takes a little time to read. It might take your mind of the urges. I guess we addicts are really good at finding reasons why we should do it.. And therefore we are so damn good at convincing us to give in.. And, not to forget, one of the most important things is healthy food. My recovery would have been absolutely unsuccessful if I had continued to eat unhealthily. In the end, I even had to give up caffeine and sugar and masturbating to porn. We, addicts, are always seeking for the dopamine shot. So in order to recover and re-wire your brain, it's good to quit all short-term solutions. I would suggest joining the dopamine challenge. I've added a link to the dopamine challenge.. haha..
https://www.reddit.com/r/NoFap/comments/5crla0/the_dopamine_challenge_are_you_tough_enough/


Making a plan is so important. Not having a plan is the same as wanting to run the marathon without wanting to train…


So we really need to change that mindset and make us only see the reasons why we don't want to use anymore..


It helped and still helps me a lot, when i really have strong urges, to make a mantra of all the reasons why I don’t want to do it. And, as a craving for drugs, alcohol or a porn related thought or image comes up to my mind I count from 1 to 6 and backward and visualizing the numbers. I just count and visualize as long as I need to get rid of the porn images or thoughts. This does two things.. Namely, it get's your mind of the urge when you do it consistently and... it helps your brain make need pathways not related to substance abuse (rewiring). I really noticed that after 3 weeks of consistently doing this, the cravings began to weaken... And afterward, when the cravings are gone, i do full the mantra 6 times.. And if that not helps, and i'm at home, i jump under the ice cold shower. It's such a shock to the body and mind that in 90 percent of the time i cant even think about it haha.. And if even that dont help me, i will go run as long as i need. Last time i needed to run i kept on going for 25 kilometer hahaha.



So the other things i do to deal with the urges are..

• Intermittent fasting. I only allow myself to eat from 05:00 to 07:00 in the evening. It makes my willpower grow, i dont have a lot of food cravings anymore. I also fast 4 days a month only on water. So i dont eat, but only drink water for 4 days. It helps me A LOT to have a clear mind and it's fucking good for upregulating the dopamine receptors. I've noticed that in the beginning it's quit hard.. But you have a choice. I have gained so much more willpower and discipline by doing intermittent fasting and the water fasting ritual. Ow, and fasting helps to restore dopamine receptors!!
  Just read this...
  https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/the-benefits-of-fasting-on-the-reboot.64894/ https://vitals.lifehacker.com/how-to-free-yourself-from-food-cravings-with-intermitte-1702108722
• i meditate a lot. It helps me SO SO SO SO fucking much in controlling my mind.
  Read this
  https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/how-to-meditate-for-mindblowing-state.28105/
  
  https://www.reddit.com/r/NoFap/comments/5udawq/meditation_is_extremely_important_to_succeed_with/
  
  It's also FUCKING good for getting new dopamine receptors...
• I only take ice cold showers.. It helps me a lot with increasing my willpower. We, addicts, have the habit of always choose the most comfortable path.. So if you're able to really go uncomfortable, it makes your will power go though the roof. and it's pretty good for your body..
  
  https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/cold-showers-are-the-bomb.33956/
  
  https://gettingstronger.org/2010/05/opponent-process-theory/

Hard Solutions, Easy Life - Easy Solutions - Hard Life



I guess it will be a long, difficult and arduous journey, but it is more than worth it.


When i started working on my addiction(s) i had absolutely no idea what i was doing. I didn't think it was necessary either. I guess when you read my story you will see it was more than necessary. I'm working on my recovery now for 3,5 years and i still am not where i want to be. I even stopped working now for 4 months to work more on my recovery.


In the end, I stopped everything. Instagram, facebook, sugar, caffeine, drugs and alcohol. I also try to work on my obsessive urge to get compliments.


At first, I felt I had to give up everything. I thought it was terrible because I needed it. Now I gradually come to the conclusion that everything I didn't want to give up in order to live just, took my life. Live moderately, be satisfied just in time and happiness comes when you don't expect it because you were not busy with becoming happy but with life.


Based on my own experience of the past 21 years, I really believe it is a long journey. I did not get addicted just like that. It did not happen in one go. It is a long way from becoming addicted. That is why i cannot expect to be ready just like that, all of a sudden.


Every time i thought I was there, there's something new to come. (onion: underlying problem) And that's not a bad thing, that's good. Because i want to recover completely. I solemnly believe that recovery must be as important as the oxygen you breathe, the food you eat and the water you drink. You will not be addicted in 1 year. That is something that goes on for years. And probable you will reach this point a couple of times.. The point where everything seems to go fine and then you forget all the agreements that you have made with yourself…


I have experienced so many times that things were going well again (at least, I thought so) and that I forgot about my own agreements. I forgot about the agreements because it went well again... So I relapsed about 100+ times. Be careful of those moments.


Now I realize that it is the other way around. Things are going well because of those agreements!


Do you know what the problem is with mankind as a whole? We, humans, are hunters and collectors based on our past. The part of our brain that is responsible for the feeling of pleasure and of "ah, this is important so I need to have it more often" was about the first part of our brain. That is also logical. Without a sense of pleasure, we would never have been able to evolve. Food is important to live so that's why we feel good after eating. Sex is extremely important for the reproduction of our genes, so this is one of the most intense, natural, dopamine rush. As I said, it is a mechanism that has ensured that we are living at the moment. So by nature we are always busy with feeling good. Only in the past was it a question of a primary good feeling. It wasn't so much about long-term planning. Eating, sleeping, connecting with your group, fleeing danger. These were mainly things for the short term. One of the few things that were planned in the long run was the reproduction of our genes. I'm sure you understand what I mean.


So, the disadvantage of humanity is that we always go for short-term solutions. Look, for example, at our eating pattern. It is completely illogical to eat 3.4.5.6 times a day. Our body hardly gets time to process it. I eat about 2200 calories once a day. Mainly fat, a little protein and very little carbohydrate. I feel so much better than when I ate 4 times a day


But, there is good news young man. We can train our brains.


It took a very long time for me to get through the mechanisms behind addiction. Each time I stopped doing something and then started doing something different. That works for a while until you derail again.


Each time you fall back into old habits, the paths of the old customs become stronger. And every time you fall for short-term solutions, the prefrontal cortex becomes weaker. The prefrontal cortex is involved in cognitive and emotional functions such as decision making, planning, social behavior and impulse control. So, as you can see, one thing lifts up the other.


I can't give you an answer about how you should do it. I can only tell you why things always went wrong with me.


I didn't put my recovery on top of my list. And, I recovered mainly for others. To get compliments, to hear that they were proud of me. Not because I have no willpower. Or no discipline.


And, because I always opted for short-term solutions, I found it extremely difficult to make long-term goals.


Sorry for the long post, but I hope I inspired you to work on your recovery. Ow, and i would suggest with starting with a full hard-mode reboot. That’s the best way for dopamine receptor recovery and for getting it out of your system..


And do remember to please:


We don’t give up things in order to recover. We gave up life, in order to be addicted.


PS. Especially during the time i used amphetamine and pmo I was looking for such perverted things that in the end I believed I was a terrible man. After i quit using drugs it was still extreme and therefore i still believed i was terrible.


Now, after 56 of abstinence, i am finally starting to get a normal taste again. I don't feel much for the extreme porn anymore.


I, for instance, watched a lot porn which you can consider far beyond normal for me. Also gay porn. Gay hardcore porn. I even had a lot of sex with guys.. A lot.


I never considered myself as a gay, but for a long time, i have thought i was bi-sexual. Now, after quitting my addiction, i have a more vanilla tast and i realized i'm straight actually haha.


So do the complete reboot, get sober and then, after that, you can define what's normal for you!


If you have any questions, just ask.


My journal:

https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/21-years-of-addiction-my-fight-my-story.164500/



PSS.


The absolute basis for a good life is to think about yourself first. When you learn to really think about yourself, then naturally there will be a lot of room to think about others. We can say that we did not think well of ourselves, which is probably why we have become addicted.

Now, look around you, how many people live on the autopilot. And how many of those people are really capable of standing up for others. The autopilot of today's world is that we are constantly devoting ourselves to fast, short-term solutions.

So, be proud of yourself that you stand up for yourself, that you think of yourself and do what is best for you!


De beste manier om iets goed te kunnen is om jezelf beter te maken, dan gaat alles vanzelf.

 

Thank to sooo much for your post! I haven’t red the whole thing yet but wanted to comment about the first part.

It’s really good to hear that your tastes normalized. I have looked at some very dark porn. Because of that it started to bleed into my life in the form of manual fantasies about people I knew, who were close to me (family and family friends). Also, strangers walking by. I was scared to go to certain places bbecause I knew my mind would sexualize in a way that I didn’t want to, so I would panic.....

Anyway, I went to a Sex Addicts Anonymous meeting last night and the person speaking went to jail for his sexual acts and while I didn’t do what he did, I have thought about it and had fantasies and looked at stuff online that mimics his story, so I left that meeting feeling really really horrible as if I’m just like him and permanently broken and there’s no hope to have a normal life or a normal brain.

Hearing your hope helped me get back in track with the positive and the truth, that we do recover and as long as I continue to do my daily maintenance stuff (prayer, meditation, journaling, exercise) EVERY DAY, I can remain sober not just from PMO but sober from a negative mindset.

I hope this is true because I’m really doubting my ability for longterm sobriety. I’m 75 days sober today.

 

I'm joining the anonymous group as well. Narcotics Anonymous. About those fantasies, in the end, when i was so so SOOO fucked up, i even fantasized that certain family members would rape me. It sounds freaking horrible, but that is what substances can do to your brain. I only had such fantasies when i was on amfetamine and porn for 4 days on a row, but i still feel shit about it. When I stopped using, I confessed all these fantasies to these family members. I found it very difficult to do, but I wanted to be honest in my recovery. People were a bit scared, but they also realized that addiction is a decayed disease.

I'm still in therapy, but that's not just for porn addiction. But really, believe me, I had never despised that I can be so happy and happy while I am sober. It is extremely difficult to stay sober sometimes and the path of recovery is also difficult, but please, believe in yourself and in recovery!
Ow, and to indicate how my libido and normal taste is back... I recently saw a postcard with a naked woman. It wasn't sexual, but artistic. I went through the roof. And, I recently saw a picture online of a porn scene, and although it made me a bit excited at first, immediately after that came the nasty feeling. So, believe me, it will be good if you persevere!

Translated with www.DeepL.com/Translator

 

I like your honesty! That’s the first step to recover