Need some help for us on rebooting...

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by Lanarra, Mar 5, 2018.

  1. Lanarra

    Lanarra Fapstronaut

    I posted in another forum a little while ago. Quick summary-
    I found out my husbands porn addiction had gotten really bad. We've looked up old journals and realized we first started talking about it and having sexual problems because of it so long ago- 2005.
    I guess I didn't take it seriously enough, or else I gave up, because it continued to get worse, went into voyeurism (filming a friend of ours naked without her knowledge many times, over years), then into frequenting sex clubs weekly, taking part in Gang Bangs, for the last two years.
    It's a long story of how it escalated, but it still goes back to the porn.

    We're trying to rebuild our relationship and he is trying hard to quit. He's been doing well for the last few weeks. But we both wonder- how long will he have to abstain? From masturbation in general? From using porn? Will he ever be able to use such things in a "normal" way like most men, without it escalating and impacting other aspects of his life? Will the we always have to be vigilant about "triggers"?
    Is there a moment when the same pathways aren't so easily set off, or don't go as far?

    I could use some input from men going through or having gone through this. I could show him your responses on this. We're both asking ourselves a lot of questions and feeling a bit lost in it all.
    He doesn't feel ready to talk to others about it- he is ashamed, even though I tell him there are lots of men who have been through this. But he asks me what you guys say.
    Thanks for any advice you can offer!
  2. It is important to stop porn for all his life. The start is difficult but when past the days you will see the changes. Can't tell you how many days need but need focus to the target .
    GripLess and Lanarra like this.
  3. Lanarra

    Lanarra Fapstronaut

    Thanks! I will show him whatever responses I get. What a sobering thought - forever. It's considered so acceptable in todays society (at least where I am, in France) I think this is going to be a difficult idea for him to process.

    I have other questions concerning triggers and such, which I would like to pose, but am not sure just how specific and detailed people are allowed to get here.....
  4. Wannachange75

    Wannachange75 Fapstronaut

    He is lucky to have you support him unlike most of us here fearing to tell our spouses. Let him go no PMO encourage him he will start see changes and interest in the real you. I have been addicted to porn and masturbation for nearly 30 years and now on No PMO on day 52, real urges are starting occur. Lot of emotional changes too. Support him emotionally he will sail thru
  5. ukbritishbloke

    ukbritishbloke Fapstronaut

    There seems to be a way of hiding potential triggers so that people can choose to "uncover" them if they want to read them. You might want to find out how to do that, then you can give the detail you feel you need without triggering anyone.

    I'm trying to give up porn and masturbation for ever. It seems a massive task when you think about it in advance. And relapses are likely. But I found once I tried it that I really like what rebooting is doing to my body and head. More frequent and harder erections is best of all. I don't want to go back now. Keeping away from porn (and especially P-subs) isn't always easy, and I do have mild relapses now and then. The trick is to get back behind the wheel ASAP and back on the road. But I don't want to masturbate now, and I don't want porn. I really like the masculine feeling of having full balls, and wish I tried this when I was 16.

    Yes, internet porn is widely accepted. But it's not actually normal. What is normal (at least after a rebooting period for him) is sex of whatever kind you both want. You'll probably end up having more and more exciting sex, and being glad porn isn't spoiling it for you.

    There's nothing to lose here. it's like smoking or heroin.
  6. GripLess

    GripLess Fapstronaut

    He will need to stop using porn altogether. There really isnt any "normal" use or watching of porn. From what i have read over the last few months, durring my journey, porn always escalates. It always causes relationship issues, mistrust and other unfortunate issues such as PIED.

    You are correct, there is thousands of men, and women, that have porn related issues.
  7. Lanarra

    Lanarra Fapstronaut

    Oh thank you! This is such a delicate subject - Talking intimately about masturbation is weird. We've been having what seems like the most awesome sex all of a sudden... he claims it is awesome (it is definately for me). We went through so many problems before - difficulty having an erection, then an impossibility to have an orgasm except with his own hand.... I blamed it on myself, I tried harder to up the games and innovation... still failed. He felt pressure to perform....he went off into the sex club thing to see if it was really a problem with me or not. The visual stimulus helped, but what he found was that it didn't matter if he lost the erection- there was 30 guys standing in line! He just had to duck out and nobody cared. Then he started to find he could have sex with 5 or 7 women in the same night, and have to go to back to his room with porn to "fiinish" and nobody cared.. that was fine with them. That was when he realized his problem was with porn- not me.

    My questions go on... we've talked about things like him and I doing video sex. It would be me, but it also stimulates the "image on the screen" thing... would that be detrimental to his desire to "get back to real life"? (because this touches many aspects of his avoiding real relationships of all kinds)

    We've talked about going to swinger type clubs, with the intent of sticking only to sex between ourselves, but where he can see others around in act, and others can see us. The visual stimulus would be there, but associating with sex with me... I just don't know if that would set him off into anonymous sex or not.

    One thing he might have going for him- he is 54. He has had a long history of monogamy and real sex. So it might be easier for him to "switch pathways" in the brain than say, a young man with less experience.
  8. kropo82

    kropo82 Fapstronaut

    Why? One thing he may realise as he fights to give up porn is that he is not just giving up for you, he is giving up for himself. Why go back? Porn is wrong for our spouses, for our society, for the women in the industry, for all women, and for us. It's too trigger laden for him to read yet but Gail Dines's Pornland is a great book on the impact of porn on our society. If he can conquer his addiction why go back to it? (His answers should help him and you see how his recovery is going.)

    (N.B. Perhaps it is important why we are giving up, e.g. here.)

    This is a tricky one, and you'll get varying responses from us men here. Many of the men here think masturbation is wrong, either for religious reasons, some weird view of masculinity, the benefits of semen retention (I'm not convinced), or just a desire to share all sexual intimacy with their partners. Then some men here think masturbation is fine but give it up to reboot their brains away from porn (and then return to masturbation). I agree with the latter group. Masturbation is sex with someone you love, how can it be wrong? But I cannot go back to it, perhaps not ever. Abstaining from masturbation has really helped me stay away from porn. I have a theory based on an analogy with medieval castles (here)!

    Triggers is one of those words that means so many different things here. Some triggers he will want to say vigilant about. For example, I find it harder to resist porn if I stay up working on a stressful deadline after my wife has gone to bed. Hence I do not do that as frequently as I once would. Sometimes it is necessary but more-often-than-not I can get up early instead.

    I'd say that there is. I would still class myself as a porn addict, but at present I have zero urges and find it remarkably easy to resist porn, even if I see something (or feel something, like stress) that would have sent me to porn in the past. I have also found that I respond differently now to some visual triggers (e.g. here).

    If he signed up here he could ask us directly, just a thought.

    I can see two possibilities here. It could be a fun and sexy thing, like in the post does it count, or it could be sleazy. The guy in the thread I mention is 27 and clearly his fiancée is enjoying the power of her allure to him and their sexual encounters (even over Skype). But you and your hubby are older, and he had sunk more deeply into sleaze, so in balance I would say this is a bad idea. I think he would be making porn out of you, not starting a playful loving sexual encounter.

    I'm sure loads of us have fantasized about stuff like this, it sounds a terrible idea. Would you enjoy it? Don't lose you own feelings and needs in all of this.

    Possibly, though the longer that the bad pathways have been reinforced the longer they will to break. I'm 52 and have been using porn since my late teens. It has taken me much longer to get to where I am now than some of the young guys here. One rule of thumb I heard was 2 months of abstinence to cure each year of porn use.
    Last edited: Mar 14, 2018
  9. Short answer: he should abstain from PMO for at least 90 days. Minimum.

    No he will never be able to watch porn again.

    You will have to be vigilant of triggers for many years.

    His pathways can reset but it will probably take years.

    I HIGHLY recommend your husband start therapy with a CSAT and hit some SA meetings. For the meetings, he can just attend at first—doesn’t have to open up it will help tremendously in overcoming the shame and the sense of “going it alone.” Meetings are free.
    kropo82 likes this.
  10. steveo2312

    steveo2312 Fapstronaut

    Does he want to quit as much as you want him to quit?
  11. Lanarra

    Lanarra Fapstronaut

    He says he wants to do it for him. His life became "hell " (his words). Not wanting to trigger anyone, but it got to where he couldn't get it up in the most insanely exciting situations at clubs, or he could service five or seven women, and not be able to "finish". Even with a 23 year old pole dancer stripper he couldn't keep it up, had to apologize and go back to the hotel for porn. So much trouble and obsession to carry out a secret life, only to find that he could not escape the hold porn had on him. He became a very unhappy man. He was grouchy and cruel to everyone because they were simply present, getting in the way of his urge to watch porn. He destroyed all of his relationships, including with his children. He cries and says he wants to return to real life.
    The question of going back is sort of like an alcoholic who wonders if he can ever have just one drink in contexts where that is socially expected. It sort of is asking - is this going to be hanging around my neck all my life?
    We live in France, remember... nudity and sex is much more open in the media in general. Commercials sometimes show people having sex.

    Right now, it has been about six weeks for him, and he claims he has only masterbated once, has watched no porn, feels no urge to, nor any draw towards going back to clubs. We have been having sex everyday (wierd, its better than ever in our history together). He has not had any of the problems he started to have years ago and that he claims happened in his experiences with infidelity. So... I don't know now. Honestly? I can't believe much he says. He got used to lying to me for so long, it is compulsive now.

    Oh I know! I have suggested it many times! Instead he asks me what I read here, what the men say. He seems to have trouble putting this into words. He has this way of living in a fantasy world in his head, and writing things down makes them "real". He's gotten as far as to speak outloud about it, and that was traumatic for him. He says until he did that, he just pushed it aside in denial and didn't acknowledge the things he was doing were real. A very complex personality problem. He 's trying to work through it. I hope he can bring himself to write here, because at this point, he needs the support. He's facing a lot of judgement from family and our community.
  12. Lanarra

    Lanarra Fapstronaut

    He came to me and told me all this, saying he was living through hell and wanted to crawl out of it.
    I didn't want him to quit - I just said I wanted to leave so he could continue his lifestyle. (because it had escalated beyond porn and into a swinger type lifestyle).

    So though I am not into that mommy stuff, where the wife tells the husband what he has to do, one can say there is some indirect pressure coming from me - I don't want to live with a man who is sleeping with tens of women a week, spending all the rest of his time on porn, and being a monster to everyone around him. He has the choice, and I remind him everyday, that we even if he chooses that life, we will be still be friends. (can't be with someone for 28 years and stop loving them completely!).

    The fact that he wants to stay with me so bad can be legitamately pointed at as a pressure from me - a sort of ultimatum. He claims that even if I leave, he will continue working on this for himself.
    But who knows. I'm always afraid he just says whatever he thinks I want to hear.

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