Need some understanding on my partner

Honesty is very important in relationships. He is not being honest with you, so you are not "getting worked up over nothing." His dishonesty is what makes it important to you and the future of your relationship.

Most men who lie about porn use usually do so for one or more of the following reasons:

1. They see porn as shameful or juvenile in some way and are embarrased to admit that they use it
2. They think their SO will be upset or annoyed if they find out and don't want to hurt their feelings
3. They think their SO will be upset or annoyed if they find out and don't want the hassle of a row
4. They think their SO will be want them to stop and they don't want to lose access to their cheap thrills
5. A part of him thinks of it as cheating on you and this adds to the shame and the need to keep it secret
6. Once he has lied the first time he has to double down and keep on lying or admit to you and himself that he is a liar.

I don't know whether the BDSM nature of your relationship is relevant. I took that to mean that you are open minded about sex, fetish etc. and are not anti-porn per se. Is your relationship one of equals or is their a D/S element to it that persists outside the bedroom? Are you able to have open, equal discussions to resolve problems and make joint decisions about your lives?

I think you need to get to the bottom of why he is lying to you. My advice is to choose your moment and have it out with him. Ask him to explain why he's lied to you. You could even run through the list of reasons above and ask him which of them apply to him. He may try to derail the discussion by complaining that you are snooping on him, looking at his phone etc. but don't let him do that. Let him rant if he wants to but stay calm and once he has vented bring him back to the core issue - you need him to be honest with you and he isn't doing that.

I hope this helps. Good luck.

ANH

Good luck