Need to be here one day at a time

We can't do it ourselves, coming here daily now is the only thing that gives me perspective and the will to remember what I'm really dealing with. Have to get others perspective, wisdom, success, encouragement and just get through that one day, tomorrow is another. I've been on just a little tiny streak, but last night I was watching the movie - "American History X" with Edward Norton. There is a point where he is in jail and his feeling of control and hate have been broken, and he is asked has it ever helped you? And he answers no. These things he thrived on. I've asked myself this question many times and the answer is always no, it's set me back every time and reinforced the sense of helplessness. Also the resolve to change, but as I've realized I can't do it alone. It's impossible. Here is to at least coming here one day at a time and gaining strength and wisdom that will get us through.

 

So far ok, a week is usually the time that it takes me to give in. Must look away from enticing images and triggers, I could spin on a dime before. This place here gives me a harder "shell".

 

Thank you, same to you - I'm still on track and being here has made the difference. That and remembering the last time I acted out and felt very angry at myself and the world. Right now I'm learning how to fingerpick the guitar - I've played for many years but never learned. It's coming along very easily so far. And when I'm out in public like today I'm not sexualizing women I see like before. Keep up the good fight!

 

I have to change my badge, please someone remind me how. Right now I can't think. 2 days ago I relapsed. I had been feeling good, very even keeled at work and out in public. The urge seemed to come on suddenly and wouldn't let go and I gave in. I always find myself at this point.It's not only the images. It must be the fix for dopamine kicking in and feeling it's time. I don't feel so helpless this time around, although I was helpless when I acted on the urge. Before I would have gone back the other way thinking what's the use. But I've seen the side effects - when my wife came home from work I felt cold and detached and numb, and gave her no emotional support. At work I've been coping but not feeling good about myself, and others pick up on it. I have a boss at work who can be condescending but we've also gotten closer and I realize he's not such a bad guy. When I'm on a streak it won't matter what he says or does, I know it's not personal and we get along. But when I've failed he becomes dismissive and I have become a people pleaser to get his attention because I feel lost, it's a low self esteem feeling. I wish I could stop this. The urge is so overwhelming. On a positive note, I'm back here anyway even though I acted out. I've been getting some fingerpicking guitar lessons on Youtube and I like the teacher. I've always been a musician and strummed the guitar but never learned to fingerpick. It's coming slowly but easily. I've played long enough. But this other thing is the hard thing to overcome. I hope next time I can snap out of it, it's like an evil spell. I think this time I have time on my side - I don't want to go back there anytime soon and I will come back here again and try to understand what the hell I'm doing. Got the badge done, should show up soon. I understand something a little bit more by digging deeper into some of the long journals some people here were sharing. There were plenty of relapses regardless of their intention, but they kept trying. That's a better place then going back and giving up. This way I don't have to measure myself as a failure, just someone who is struggling but doing the best to stay strong.

 

Thank you.

 

I will - I figure I will be good for another week at at least. It will be dealing with the next urge and somehow subverting it. I don't feel that I'll be following up like I've done in the past. The aftereffects get even worse that way. For me it's anger at everything in general. Yes with my wife I've developed a cold wall that is not usually there and it hurts to be that way. One day at a time.

 

Messed up. Went 12 days, acted out twice and then got 7 in, and just gave in to the other side 3 times. I was doing good for a while, learning some guitar lessons and feeling better, and of course now I feel like crap. Back here anyway because I've got to find strength to beat this thing ( not that thing, and that wasn't funny ). I saw on another forum a guy challenging this whole process and I don't think he understands what most of us go through and the validity of what we are trying to do, or what so many have discovered by getting on the other side of this. At least I haven't escaped to hopelessness and given up. I also play drums, just electric now, but I sat on them tonight and got some stuff out. This self defeat is a tough thing, I was full of lust and just gave myself permission, but it doesn't matter how provocative it all was, now I'm hiding within myself again until this passes. Why do I give in so easily, seems like a split personality this all consuming urge.