Need to get this of my chest.

It really touches me how so many young people, mostly men aged 20-25, are in the same situation. People from different backgrounds, different countries. People like you and me. I wonder why we all realize our situation approximatively around the same age. I guess it happens when we truly start to shift from kids to adults.

 

I sympathize for you, I've been there. To be honest with you, I think my addiction to PMO created a sense of anxiety within me and made me more fearful of social situations; talking to girls, striking up conversation with strangers, making eye contact etc. I closed myself off due to carrying shame for struggling with it. I'm 26 and I am a pretty short dude as well (5' 4"), so I somehow got the notion in my head that most people "look down" on me (literally and figuratively).

To be honest with you, I think the biggest thing for me to learn when dealing with social anxiety is to STOP GIVING A F*CK.
If you feel like people are judging you everytime they look at you... I can guarantee you this: THEY AREN'T.

You know why? Because the majority of the time... THEY ARE THINKING ABOUT THEMSELVES.
They are literally thinking the same things you are. To the other person, THEY are worried about what YOU think of them.

How am I so sure of this? Here's an example... next time you and a buddy are hanging out. Show him a group picture (with like 5+ people) that he's in. What's the first thing he will point out in the picture? Himself.

Once you fully understand the implications of this, it's quite freeing actually. Once you can stop focusing on how worried you are or what people think of you... you can practice being genuinely interested in someone else. When you take an interest in the person you're talking to, they will like that! Who doesn't like being validated or affirmed by another person? It opens up opportunities to connect with people.


I hope this helps @oooo! Keep at it!

 

I fully endorse this. I worked at McDonald's for 7 years. While the job wasn't great, I don't regret working there one bit. I was very socially awkward before I started there, and even during the first bit of time that I was there. While I don't feel 100% socially competant today, this job pretty much helped me get over my general fear of social situations. I made lifelong friends there, and it got to a point where it felt like I was visiting family every day. It's all about finding something, anything, you have in common with someone and exploiting it. It's not easy at first, but the more you practice with it the easier it gets. And as @shoji says...

...making them feel good about themselves will go a long, long way .

 

Start off with small steps. Lose those ear phones. Observe and be a part of your surroundings. Don't go for too much eye contact at first. Just a bit. Then a bit more when you are comfortable with that. Then go for the smile, toward a random stranger. Slowly build your confidence. It will not be long before you'll be receiving smiles back. The next step will be starting conversations. Think of it all as a work in progress. You will be amazed at what you will get used to in a year or so by pushing outside your comfort zone in small incremental steps.

 

Well I think it's okay to be nervous before talking with women. I remember there was a time when I sent a flirty email to a female colleague and was I reprimanded for it. It's a major embarrassment and I still regret it.

Regarding not being able to talk with women, you don't have to talk with all women. One partner/gf is all you need. One friend is more than enough.

There was a time when I didn't get along well with any of my colleagues. Now I realize that maybe I was just out of place.

 

Look up Real Social Dynamics on YouTube

 

In your case taking one action will be worth 1000s of meditations, reading and "improving yourself" —and this is coming from a person that loves those things too.

Taking action is needed in some cases (like yours and my case some time ago). To keep "learning" without action will only enlarge the gap between what you want and what you feel you are right now.

BTW if it's not clear, enlarging that "gap" will only make you feel worse.

Start taking small actions. Define a simple plan:

First I have to be able to look people in the eye.
Then to ask people simple stuff.
Then smile at them while doing so.
Then keeping the conversation for a little longer.
And so on...

Define a SIMPLE plan and just DO IT. Each step will maybe take you a few days to complete. And "completion" in this case means you are 100% comfortable doing that "step". To prove this you maybe do it with 10 people a day. Since you have no obligations right now, you can dedicate the whole day and truly dive into it, maybe 100 people a day. You may go to a different city for practice.

That's it.

 

I completely agree with you. Start with small incremental steps.

 

hey man first of all your english is totally fine, secondly you sound exactly like me when i was your age, im 37 now, i totally understand about the height issue, im a short man myself, i too have always had a big problem with eye contact and still feel akward in group situations, you are 100% not alone, i felt very angry and alone all through my 20s and felt like everyone was laughing at me too, but you know what, i made it through and so will you,please keep in mind that you are still young and have many great years ahead of you, i wish i was 22 again!!

like the guys said above most people are so concerned with how people look at "them" they are not always judging you as they are far too busy worrying about themselves,and no matter what nasty things they say to you thats probably their own insecurities and they feel better by making you feel bad, fuck them dont let their words get to you, i know so many people male and female that are tall , popular and beautiful and they worry about every little thing about themselves, as for being short i can totally empathise, it is not easy in the world for shorter guys but you cannot let your height define the good person that you are, its not easy but you will wake up one day and say "fuck this, i am what i am and i couldnt give a shit anymore" and you want to know something? the best people and most interesting people i have ever met in my life have been "not perfect" , perfection is a total myth, and these people are so much more fun and are so much better people than the "beautiful people" because they are deeper on so many levels and have such great personalities, id rather their company anyday over the empty minded "beautiful people",

as for being bullied etc ive been there too, ive been beaten up many times because of how i looked, im a metal head, short dude, long hair most people cross the street when i walk by and yes it is painful and really hurts how people react and treat you, but you cant please all the people all of the time, you just need to keep an eye out for deeper minded people who will welcome you for "you", as the guys above said working with people or putting yourself in akward situations is very hard i know but they are right, getting to know people is hard work but after time you may find a whole new lease of life with people who begin to warm to you, but you have to try to meet them half way,

i have experienced this through jobs or music groups etc, it wont be succesfull all the time but after time you "will" make some really decent friends, not shallow asswipe friends but really "genuine" people who deeply respect you and want to hang out with you etc!

just dont give up!

in the meantime "we" are you friends and dont you ever forget that!

 

Yeah, piggybacking on what everyone here said, I have those problems myself. But in order to alleviate those issues, I'd try out what @TotalLifeChange was talkin about. Make plans. And then execute one at a time. It may be nerveracking, but once you feel comfortable with one thing, the next thing should fall in place easily.

I remember when I got my first real job a couple years back at walmart. I had no other choice but to talk to people in public. All types of ppl would ask me stuff. After a while it became much easier.

 

you are soooo strong man! first for going through all that bullying shit alone and now for confessing it..!
don't worry about people,concentrate on making yourself happy. will talking to that guy make u happy?so,go do it,is your fear bigger than your happiness? fight the shit out of it! do your research before going in social situations, remember some tips and remmber that it should make you happy. it works other way too,if you think talking to some guy or girl will make you unhappy because he or she brags or something? don't talk to them! cut them out of your life!!
overall, love what you cannot change and improve and improve what can be improved in your life.
all the best!
sky x.

 

Hey man!

first of all, you "do" belong in this world, if you were born into this world then you "do" belong here,

secondly if you feel "really" down all of the time and you just cant figure out why then you maybe you should consider "one to one" counciling (however do some research on councilling before you do) prehaps you have real depression or anxiety disorder, if so then it "can" be treated and in a lot of cases it can be beaten, i suffer from depression myself as do millions of other people and these days there is absolutely no shame in having it! and no shame in seeking help!

im only saying this because i can see that you are "still" feeling really down and after reading your original comment again im not surprised, you have been through a lot in your life from bullying to rejections, your painful struggles with social situations and how you feel about yourself in general , i guess im just concerned about you dude!
now i could be "totally wrong" and maybe you are not feeling "that bad" and your just venting and are just a little bit down at this point in your life and prehaps im overthinking about what you have written, just because i mentioned depression doesnt mean that you have depression etc, i just thought i would say that "just in case"!

Now im sorry to hear that girl didnt want to meet up, ive had that happen to me many times and it really hurts, you get excited thinking yes finally ive found someone great and then they let you down badly and make you feel deflated and crap about yourself, but keep in mind that she is only one girl amongst millions of nice women out there, unfortunately finding a date is really a "numbers game" for most guys, unless you are really good looking like Brad pitt or a famous movie star most guys will have to ask many different women out on a date before one finally accepts, this of course is really difficult to do as each time they reject you it will make you feel like shit,

but the best thing to do is keep trying, if they say no or dont show up then immediatly forget about them and move onto asking another girl, dont let it hurt your feelings and dont let it get you down, dont even waste time blaming yourself or trying to figure out why she said no or cancels the date just move on to the next one, dont let "one" recjection make you afraid to try again in the future!

just keep in mind that things will get better for you and that you are not alone,

me and millions of other guys are finding it difficult to make it through the day and to find love and friendships also ,

but if we can do it can do it then so can you, hang in there man, you have come this far, dont give up now!

peace!

 

I know this feeling about the gym situation. I don't talk to anyone at the gym either, and that's because the gym is a place to work out, not to talk with random people all the time. Although, there is nothing to be scared of when it comes to wanting to make new friends or ask for some advice from a pro trainer. Give it a try, it's never too late, unless you still want to act a bit anti-social.

But other than that, what you can do is just focus on yourself. Don't let the whole hatred from people splatter you against a wall. Whatever you want to be, live for it. Remember, we all feel the pain, don't dwell on it.

I don't know what else to say. That's all I got. So, I hope this helps. And good luck.