bebopnbones
New Fapstronaut
Firstly, apologies for the long read. This is something that's been a long time coming for me, and I feel there's a sense of catharsis in typing this all out, even if no one reads it.
I first discovered nofap back on Reddit in 2011. At the time I was unemployed, smoking weed, spending all my time on the internet and masturbating to ever-increasing violent and weird porn under the belief that it was harmless. Harmless to the actors and to myself, both points I was very, very mistaken about. Ultimately I was quite depressed, which was strange as at the time I didn't even know that I was, but looking back the signs were quite obvious. I was young and naive.
After a few little while of trying nofap, I hadn't made much progress, though I was masturbating to porn maybe every 2-3 days which is certainly better than 2-3 times every day. During this process, I also started on my journey to better myself in general. Started exercising and meditating, stopped smoking cannabis, started paying closer attention to my diet, actively looking for employment, becoming more sociable etc.
After a while, in 2012, I started making some proper headway with my PMO-free journey, eventually I got to 184 days which still to this day my greatest streak. However, due to having a disagreement with someone that I was infatuated with at the time, allowed for the baser parts of my brain to suddenly come to the surface and I PMO'd to porn. Looking back, I could tell that I was getting cocky about PMO, thinking that I had pretty much quashed all desire in virtual sex - I was wrong.
Since then, my next longest streak came a few months later when after 74 days, I chose to masturbate to an image in my head of a particularly attractive woman that I saw naught but a glimpse of, but it was enough for my lust to boil to the surface. Beyond this though, I was still making attempts at nofap and self-embetterment, the later of which I was largely succeeding in; I had been in employment for nearly a year at this point, my social circle increased and my fitness journey was still progressing. Later in the Summer of 2014 I met and fell in love a girl whom, after nearly 10 years, I can thankfully say we're still together.
Unfortunately, my progress with nofap was getting worse and my desires for porn were increasing again, and my ability to quell my lust and desires was getting progressively weaker. The porn I was looking at included more and more homosexual content, which though I have struggled with HOCD, I can categorically say that I am not gay - yet the porn and my brain was twisting my lust in such a way that my in take of this was increasing. Something that I have always felt guilty about, considering how much I care for my partner and how betrayed she would feel if she ever found out - I know, I am scum, I don't deserve her.
Eventually, after a few years, this porn usage increased to sissy-related content. I started buying and dressing in erotic female clothing and footwear. Posting pictures of myself online, of course behind the back of my girlfriend. Though after PMO'ing I was soon finding that I was purging all of the toys and clothing that I had accumulated and try and get back on the nofap bandwagon only to after a few months of trying and failing to only then reason with myself that crossdressing in of itself isn't a bad thing (which it isn't) and to buy more clothes and toys and for the cycle to start all over again, and start looking at sissy related content which certainly is detrimental to myself.
Only just recently I started chatting with men online and talking sex talk in the guise of my sissy-self. Something that is certainly at odds with my more masculine, straight (I think) self. That fact that I still have a slight sense of doubt about my sexuality goes to show how pernicious my perversion has become, though when I think about it I know in my heart that I am straight, but at the moment I'm also a pervert with a considerable porn addiction that has spiralled out of control. It has taken a toll on my mental well-being, more than I care to admit. I'm also seeing the effects of ED and premature ejaculation when being intimate with my partner as well - which causes me quite a lot of grief and anguish - what have I done to myself?!
However, as an initial step on the road to recovery, I have at least recently sort of come clean to my partner that I do still have a considerable addiction to pornography - though she doesn't know of the complete extent it has taken I'm afraid, as I believe that would end our relationship and I don't want to lose her.
My life general, thankfully, hasn't unravelled and I've come along way in other areas. But this addiction is one huge black shadow that looms over me, and I desire so strongly to get back to where I was all those years ago, and hopefully smash my previous nofap streak and ultimately be rid of this addiction once and for all (though I am aware that like most addiction it is something that I'll never truly be rid of).
I want to live my life again, and start feeling a passion for the things I cherish most. I need to get a grip of myself and start restoring my sanity before I wake up in 20 years time, anxiety-ridden with this addiction still looming over me and most of my life has passed me by and I have nothing to show for it except for a riddled, clouded brain and a lot of semen expended.
I so hope I can get there, hopefully surrounding myself in this community will help me on that journey
Thank you
I first discovered nofap back on Reddit in 2011. At the time I was unemployed, smoking weed, spending all my time on the internet and masturbating to ever-increasing violent and weird porn under the belief that it was harmless. Harmless to the actors and to myself, both points I was very, very mistaken about. Ultimately I was quite depressed, which was strange as at the time I didn't even know that I was, but looking back the signs were quite obvious. I was young and naive.
After a few little while of trying nofap, I hadn't made much progress, though I was masturbating to porn maybe every 2-3 days which is certainly better than 2-3 times every day. During this process, I also started on my journey to better myself in general. Started exercising and meditating, stopped smoking cannabis, started paying closer attention to my diet, actively looking for employment, becoming more sociable etc.
After a while, in 2012, I started making some proper headway with my PMO-free journey, eventually I got to 184 days which still to this day my greatest streak. However, due to having a disagreement with someone that I was infatuated with at the time, allowed for the baser parts of my brain to suddenly come to the surface and I PMO'd to porn. Looking back, I could tell that I was getting cocky about PMO, thinking that I had pretty much quashed all desire in virtual sex - I was wrong.
Since then, my next longest streak came a few months later when after 74 days, I chose to masturbate to an image in my head of a particularly attractive woman that I saw naught but a glimpse of, but it was enough for my lust to boil to the surface. Beyond this though, I was still making attempts at nofap and self-embetterment, the later of which I was largely succeeding in; I had been in employment for nearly a year at this point, my social circle increased and my fitness journey was still progressing. Later in the Summer of 2014 I met and fell in love a girl whom, after nearly 10 years, I can thankfully say we're still together.
Unfortunately, my progress with nofap was getting worse and my desires for porn were increasing again, and my ability to quell my lust and desires was getting progressively weaker. The porn I was looking at included more and more homosexual content, which though I have struggled with HOCD, I can categorically say that I am not gay - yet the porn and my brain was twisting my lust in such a way that my in take of this was increasing. Something that I have always felt guilty about, considering how much I care for my partner and how betrayed she would feel if she ever found out - I know, I am scum, I don't deserve her.
Eventually, after a few years, this porn usage increased to sissy-related content. I started buying and dressing in erotic female clothing and footwear. Posting pictures of myself online, of course behind the back of my girlfriend. Though after PMO'ing I was soon finding that I was purging all of the toys and clothing that I had accumulated and try and get back on the nofap bandwagon only to after a few months of trying and failing to only then reason with myself that crossdressing in of itself isn't a bad thing (which it isn't) and to buy more clothes and toys and for the cycle to start all over again, and start looking at sissy related content which certainly is detrimental to myself.
Only just recently I started chatting with men online and talking sex talk in the guise of my sissy-self. Something that is certainly at odds with my more masculine, straight (I think) self. That fact that I still have a slight sense of doubt about my sexuality goes to show how pernicious my perversion has become, though when I think about it I know in my heart that I am straight, but at the moment I'm also a pervert with a considerable porn addiction that has spiralled out of control. It has taken a toll on my mental well-being, more than I care to admit. I'm also seeing the effects of ED and premature ejaculation when being intimate with my partner as well - which causes me quite a lot of grief and anguish - what have I done to myself?!
However, as an initial step on the road to recovery, I have at least recently sort of come clean to my partner that I do still have a considerable addiction to pornography - though she doesn't know of the complete extent it has taken I'm afraid, as I believe that would end our relationship and I don't want to lose her.
My life general, thankfully, hasn't unravelled and I've come along way in other areas. But this addiction is one huge black shadow that looms over me, and I desire so strongly to get back to where I was all those years ago, and hopefully smash my previous nofap streak and ultimately be rid of this addiction once and for all (though I am aware that like most addiction it is something that I'll never truly be rid of).
I want to live my life again, and start feeling a passion for the things I cherish most. I need to get a grip of myself and start restoring my sanity before I wake up in 20 years time, anxiety-ridden with this addiction still looming over me and most of my life has passed me by and I have nothing to show for it except for a riddled, clouded brain and a lot of semen expended.
I so hope I can get there, hopefully surrounding myself in this community will help me on that journey
Thank you
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