Need Urgent Help

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by istherehope2929, Jul 27, 2019.

  1. istherehope2929

    istherehope2929 New Fapstronaut

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    So first things first: this is the longest streak I have ever upheld. 57 days today. And emotions are coming up that are absolutely overwhelming. Profound grief, unbelievable depression, wanting to die, racing thoughts about racing thoughts, fighting thoughts, looping thoughts, an inability to experience pleasure, and incredible loneliness, anguish, and despair. You name it. While I intellectually know that perhaps what I'm going through is a part of the path of transformation and healing, many days I wake up and do not know who I am anymore. I do not think straight or like I used to and, while I understand that this may be part of the rebooting, my situation is marginal and severe. I don't see a way out yet I am trying to be willing to be patient and persistent.

    I had my most severe emotional breakdown two days ago on Day 55, and it felt like I was in a living hell and no one could help me. I am writing this to try to get some perspective on my situation and see if anyone else has gone through something like this.

    My heart feels like it is on fire (anxiety), I have no interest in anything whatsoever and cannot experience pleasure or joy (depression), everything hurts, I have no appetite and am constipated, etc. I was admitted to a Behavioral Health Facility on Day 55 because of the intensity of my situation and it has offered me some consolation but I am still in an incredible amount of mental and emotional pain. Perhaps "what I feel is what I need to heal" is true but I feel that I have ruined my life with my past. Massive amounts of remorse are coming up. I also feel like I'm being tested. By what I do not know. Perhaps my self. Sometimes I do see a light, be it however small.

    I am a 29 year old male. I don't smoke, drink, or do drugs.

    Since I have been at the facility, the psychiatrist has put me on Lexapro 10mg though I have kind of wanted to get to 90 days without medication because I feel like it is a band aid of sorts. I also realize that my brain is very much out of wack and that some serotonin in my system could be beneficial to my recovery temporarily. I eventually want to be medication free.

    I will not quit but these days I feel insane, psychotic. Healing hurts but my continuing hope and prayer is for my heart to be transformed. In a way I feel like my Higher Power or at least the path to healing is affording me that, yet I feel close to the end of my earthly life.

    Is there hope?
     
  2. Carbon Icon

    Carbon Icon Fapstronaut

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    Oh man. You're in the healing crisis. Things will get better. Guaranteed. Things will get better. Stay strong.
     
  3. TrueToSelf

    TrueToSelf Fapstronaut

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    At the outset I must say your commitment is commendable. Now with your situation, have you tried adding regular workout to your routine? Exercise will help release dopamine which will help you get over this depression
     
  4. istherehope2929

    istherehope2929 New Fapstronaut

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    Funny enough, I just knocked out some push ups before I logged on here and read this. Exercise is a great idea and I usually run regularly. The depression just makes it hard to do much of anything. But I recognize that this is just my dopamine deficiency talking. Once I release more dopamine through exercise, hopefully I will get to feeling better which will increase my motivation to exercise even more.

    Thanks for the advice. Would appreciate anyone else who has ever been through something like this.

    It feels like I am in hell.

    Yet..

    Day 58 and counting.
     
    The Bink likes this.
  5. Stay strong brother. The journey appears painful because the destination is divine.
     
  6. istherehope2929

    istherehope2929 New Fapstronaut

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    Just wanted to let folks know that I am off Lexapro 10mg and am now on Abilify 2mg + Viibryd 10mg. I'm also taking Klonopin to help stabilize my overwhelming emotions.
     

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