Needed "touch".

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by Deleted Account, Jun 6, 2021.

  1. Hmm, something...odd, happened a few days ago.

    I want to start by noting that I never realized that abstaining from PMO would make me miss the simple act of "touch" between two people. I understand that making out with someone doesn't count against PMO, unless, of course, it results in orgasm. But that can be pretty risky, once I start it can be hard to stop.

    My washing machine had been on the fritz so I had to go to the laundry-mat. I was pretty literally at that point where I had nothing clean to wear. I get to the laundry-mat, throw all my clothes in, pull off my shirt and throw that in, too. I hadn't planned on hanging out while my clothes were washing, I was going to a nearby park to go for a run.

    It was late, and I was the only one there. But this guy comes in to do his laundry. I didn't really notice him at first, but with the place being empty he comes all the way over into the row I'm in and throws his clothes in. He strikes up a "hi, how are you" kind of conversation while I'm putting detergent and coins into the washer. He's maybe late twenties, fit, good looking. And he just keeps talking and talking to me. I'm thinking maybe he doesn't want to hang out at the laundry-mat, bored, and just wants someone to talk to to pass the time. So I figure, what the hell, my run can wait. I'll hang out and talk to this guy so he's not bored. But the more he's talking to me, I start to notice that it seems like he's checking me out. And, hey, that's fine. Like a lot of us, I've had gay men check me out before. No big deal.

    But then, he puts his hand on my shoulder and runs it up around the back of my neck. My first reaction would have been to just politely bow out of the situation. But I paused, strange as it was to me, I realized that this was the first time in over two months that someone touched me in a romantic way. And that pause must have been enough for him to think it was okay. Before I knew it he leaned in and kissed me. And he started caressing my whole body as we kissed. And yes, I kissed him back. The "touch" felt so good, I just didn't care. And the idea that I didn't realize how much I've been missing "touch" never even occurred to me until now.

    I'm not posting this as "am I gay?", or "do I suffer from SSA?". Yeah, don't care about that,...I made out with a guy. Not a big deal to me. I'd be posting this exact same question if it was a woman that moved on me.

    And the question is: Does anyone else experience that feeling where they really miss human touch? Where they've been on no PMO for so long that just a basic romantic touch seems like a distant memory?
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 7, 2021
  2. I guess I'm a relatively odd case since the massage training basically is around touch in an objective way, probably similar to how psychotherapists are trained to relate to the psyche in an objective way ... which I spent a fair amount of time around as well in a certain community though without formal training, but at one point I actually did think it would be good to be more intuitive with the therapeutic application so it's not just thinking of the person in terms of skin muscle and bones even if it is for helping people feel better.

    As far as romantic relating, obviously (hopefully) it's a turn off if someone analyzed everything ALL the time. So I'll share something personal but I think it make sense to understand it in terms of communication. In other words, something is said in the touch. One simple example that comes to mind is when I was at this spiritual teaching thing, and this woman who is like a regular in the community, somewhat older than myself and was there with a boyfriend, and I don't remember what we said to each other and why our hands were touching but there was just this lingering, so much so that we maintained contact until our arms were fully extended - and I should say there was eye contact too. I was attracted to her but there was also this element like the Creation of Adam painting by Michelangelo I guess, and it was like the touch/feeling/action had a life of its own because as far as my mind was concerned I wasn't going to do anything. And this was maybe close to 10 years ago or something and of course the fact I still remember says something. (but no I'm not still attracted to her)

    Going back to analytic mode, I think it makes sense that romantic touch tends to be the most intimate though, it's just sort of a full spectrum experience communication for two people or at least can be. If that is what is attractive about it, then perhaps counterintuitively even when you haven't had a lot of touch it's not necessarily like any touch will be good. I think of it like if you haven't talked to a human being in a long time. Yes it would be nice, but there's also their tone of voice, what they have to say, etc. And as one of my massage teachers used to say, with touch you are automatically touched by the other at the same time - it's a sense where you are both sending and receiving information simultaneously. Anyway I think it's basically the same with touch when you haven't had it a long time. There's the anecdote about a well known meditation teacher who used to come out of a silent retreat, go to his friends house and pick up the phone and go "operator, get me anybody!" It's a cute joke but in reality I think we will be somewhat selective.

    And that's why I also think being on no PMO for a long time doesn't make it seem like a distant memory, but at least for me it's just a matter of wanting it to be more selective because there's something being communicated.
  3. Interesting insight. Let me see if I understand this: Are you saying that we instinctively know the difference between a casual touch and a romantic one, and we always will? And the reason my encounter with this guy happened was because the attraction was mutual, and that if I hadn't been attracted to him then the "touch" would have meant nothing and the encounter would never have happened.
    Or, are you saying that I responded because of the way he touched me; in that a romantic touch will always be perceived as a romantic touch?
    Or a combination of both? Because I don't think I would respond to a romantic touch from someone I'm not attracted to.
  4. I am saying we instinctively know the difference of different kinds of touch even if our mind overrides that, but I don't know about your situation. I wasn't there and I also don't know you personally so the real information is too far removed for me to say.
    Vorlon likes this.
  5. jar-of-clay

    jar-of-clay Fapstronaut

    After a 745 day streak of no PMO, this is what tempted me to dive back into the sewer. I got super hungry for touch and ended up jerking on cam with someone. Psychologically I know it wasn't touch, but it felt personal in some sick way. I don't know what I would have done in your situation. I guess if I was feeling empty, I would have done the exact same thing. The mind is a crafty petulant child...hahaha
    Vorlon likes this.
  6. Come to think of it...I have been feeling a bit empty of late. And to be honest, that encounter did help me feel a little better overall.
    Interesting, thanks for the comment.
    jar-of-clay likes this.
  7. I understand. And thanks for your insight. It's appreciated.
  8. jar-of-clay

    jar-of-clay Fapstronaut

    I think if we realized how susceptible to our emotions we actually are and how we resist that emptiness with every fiber of our being, we would realize how willing we are to compromise to get it to stop.
    Vorlon likes this.
  9. I don't consider this encounter to have been a mistake, or a compromise. Maybe if this guy turned out to be a jerk or an idiot, but he was alright.
    And I know you're not suggesting that, and I do get what you're saying, and I completely agree.
    jar-of-clay likes this.
  10. I'm reminded of that Peter Gabriel song "I Have The Touch" - which I know from the movie Phenomenon.

    I want to mention touch as an active ability where you're doing something rather than passive experience where you only receive. If you've seen the movie Limitless, you might recall at the end ..

    he developed the sensate ability to feel not just peoples heart rate but what's happening structurally and directly sense other biometric things

    We tend to have this bias that intelligence is only about a cognitive, computational process and it's only the results of that processing that translates into physical decision making, but I think at a certain point it does become pretty much one with physical things and is pretty much real time and directly responsive. And it doesn't have to involve touch, in terms of communicating something it could be done through tone of voice or even a look. If we're not "out of touch" this can be perceived quite readily even if we're not consciously analyzing what it means and translating it into words. While there's benefit to analyzing what happens and gaining insight from it, overall I think the bigger issue is we're out of touch in various ways - literally/physically, emotionally, and on the level of a number of senses including sight and sound - in the immediate interpersonal context being in the same space rather than mediated online communication.

    In a way, resorting to text communication and turning a blind eye to video conferencing when it's almost as easy to access is in itself like favoring a game rather than directly interacting with people - so even without the gamification aspects of this site I think there may be an element where it's just more comfortable and easier to manage peoples words in this low bandwidth, symbolic way.
    Last edited: Jun 8, 2021

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