Never Had any Self-Confidence with Women

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by ReclaimingControl80, Mar 29, 2019.

  1. ReclaimingControl80

    ReclaimingControl80 Fapstronaut

    Something I'm going to discuss on here that I rarely do with anyone, as it's not a very comfortable subject. I'm in my late 30s and have never had sex, been in an intimate relationship, i.e. no girlfriend, never even been out on a date in my life. These lack of experiences are not things that I'm proud of, but a result in having extremely low self-esteem throughout my life. In my teens, I began to "notice girls," see them through different eyes. They were cool, mysterious creatures that I didn't have any clue about. However due to being soooo shy and self-conscious, I didn't DARE ask anyone out I ever liked, for fear of rejection. But there was also something else as well: fear of what others thought. Let me elaborate: still remember when I began getting teased about liking girls. It came from my great uncle on my dad's side of the family. He told me that "girls were the best thing around!" Of course, it was easy for him and everyone else on that side, as I'm from a family of womanizers who also had girlfriends while they were married. Wasn't long after that, many others began teasing me and I absolutely HATED it. As someone who already felt very unattractive, with the mentality "no one would ever go out with me" defeatist thoughts, this only pushed me into my shell even further. I turned down every single girl that ever asked me out. Granted, most of these were ladies that I had no interest in, but I still could have got to know a few, just to see what dating was like. In 8th grade, one of the most beautiful girls in my class asked me out, and I made the HUGE mistake of telling her no as well. My reason: once my family found out there was a girl at school who liked me, and began telling others, the teasing became unbearable. I was so angry, arrogant & stubborn, I turned her down just to prove many others wrong. I succeeded in that regards, and hurt her feelings very much at that time.
    Now skip forward to high school. There was an entire new crop of young ladies to check out. However, my problems followed me into this new world as well. After 10th grade I realized that my situation just wasn't getting any better. I was finally losing the fear of talking to a girl, approaching them, flirting mentality, but FORGET about asking someone out, due to the rejection & fear of what others think factors. After this, I did my very best to throw myself into everything else in life: focused hard on my school work, became a news junkie, followed professional sports with a passion, the world of business. I never dare asked someone to homecoming or the prom, although I would have given anything to have gone to a prom. Once again, felled by the rejection fears.
    Graduated high school and took a couple of years off before going off to college. At that time, I worked for a local hospital's dietary department. Most people were okay, but there were definitely a few characters. The worse was a supervisor who was the department's Mr. Macho Man with all his colorful jokes, pokes & jabs. Most of my college as done at a branch campus, co-ed and many young ladies. That supervisor was HORRIBLE to work with those first couple years of college. "How you're doing with the girls?" "What types of women go there?" Practicing your pickup lines?" Relentless and he would not quit, no matter how much I told him that I was not asking anyone out. After a few years, he finally gave up realizing it was a lost cause. Ended up finishing college on my school's main campus. Talk about TONS of women and being away from home for the first time. It was also one of the top party schools in the nation. Alas, my social anxiety, self-consciousness, fear of rejection and other issues I was dealing with in my life gave me no chance there either. I got my degree and graduated college without ever having been out on a date or having a girlfriend either.
    Fast forward now to the present day. Pretty much all of my former "girl teasers" gave up a long time ago. I've heard some mean comments over the years, such as when my soon-to-be stepfather jumped all over me with the jab "You want to be a bachelor you're entire life fine, go be one all by yourself." A comment that hurt as much as getting punched in the face. Today, I live alone. No girlfriend, fiancé, wife, not someone I live with as more couples are doing. In the real world it feels there is absolutely NO ONE single left. Every woman I come across falls into 3 categories: married, engaged, in a relationship. Even when I occasionally meet someone single, I still am unable to make a move. My shyness is gone and I can talk to everyone, even begin conversations with random strangers when I am out, but still terrified of rejection. The solitude can be nice at times. Sure, my life's my own, don't have to check in with anyone, can eat what I feel like, go where I want, choose to watch what I want on Netflix without getting into a "stream fight." But I get lonely an awful lot. And it's hard to see so many of my former classmates and those I used to work with at a young age now married with families of their own. Not to mention how guilty I feel that my mother does not and likely never will have any grandchildren, which is 50% my fault, as my sister does not want kids.
    All of these issues above and lack of experiences are what ultimately led me to porn. Years ago I got the Internet hooked up, unfiltered, realized I was just a bachelor so I wouldn't be hurting anyone else anyways, and this virgin in his early 30s began his deep descent into pornography. It was curiosity at first, then more and more habit forming and finally a full-blown addiction. It took me almost 5 years to see how much damage I was doing to myself, which was just as bad as doing this to a girlfriend or wife and as my tracker shows, I am now on the path out of this. Pornography is not any type of solution at all, it's a bunch of pixel's on our screen of sculpted hot bodies doing things that we're dreaming about and giving us all a very unhealthy view of sex in which women are only treated as objects to give into our desires on a whim and not to get to know as human beings, which they definitely are.
    Didn't post this as I'm looking for sympathy or to spread my misery around. It just helps to get all these thoughts off my chest. Sure wish now I had had the wisdom to look ahead years ago realizing I was setting myself up for an entire lifetime of loneliness and would miss so many experiences. I have serious doubts my low-self confidence when it comes to women will ever be solved, but I still want to get over this HORRIBLE addiction. It only takes, never gives and robs us men of reaching our full potential we have inside.
    220woof671 likes this.
  2. 220woof671

    220woof671 Fapstronaut

    Liked what you said,
    "Pornography is not any type of solution at all, it's a bunch of pixel's on our screen ...."

    In my humble opinion........ with 40 days of Success against PMO....... you should be really self-confident
    (i.e. shame, guilt......... and fear deficient). As you continue on No PMO you will only get stronger
    in all areas. I did 3 and 4 months about a year ago.......
    I respect people .......... will help sincere
    people if asked............ but that *Testosterone is like having Nitro Glycerin for blood.

    Keep up the Great work. Check out some women you find interesting. How would you advise
    your best friend [if he was in your shoes]?

    Transition to increasing interaction with women. Make us proud !

    *Perhap some martial arts classes would be beneficial for you?
    I did group Gracie Brazilian Jiu-jitsu
    it was fun ...... enjoyable ........ and gives you some tools. Great exercise rolling around with mostly guys and some women.

    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 30, 2019
  3. elevate

    elevate Fapstronaut

    You need to stop coasting through life if you want to change this or you're going to be in your late 40s and 50s writing a similar post over and over again until you're dead.

    You've focused on other aspects of your life while neglect this area of your life. You kept putting it off because it's uncomfortable and uncertain. What was comfortable back then (escapism) is now very uncomfortable (your current situation). You have to focus on the uncomfortable now to have comfortable outcomes in the future. It's a skill like anything else that you need to develop. You gather up the courage to expose yourself to something that you're incompetent and insecure with (dealing with uncertainty / awkwardness / failure / mistakes / unideal situations / managing your emotions). Experiencing (both positive and negative experiences) repeatedly until you gain competence and confidence.

    Rejection. Change your perception of rejection. It's a concept that people have created to feel ashamed or shame others for taking action and risks in order to protect themselves. Rejection is a very natural thing. Not everyone is going to be interested in you just as you're not going to be interested in everyone. People grow up with different circumstances / experiences / thoughts / interests / etc. You can't expect everyone to be interested. That's what you're doing. You're not taking any real risks unless you have a guarantee that they will be interested in you. You can't find the people who are excited to receive what you have to offer and are excited to give you what you desire if you don't put yourself out there with many people and taking many risks. It takes a lot of risks and rejection until you become more competent and until you find the right people. Rejection just really means "no thanks" and the faster that you get there the faster you can move on to find people who are interested in what you have to offer. Taking risks and getting rejected once or twice a year is going to cut it. The greatest sales people in the world get rejected more than anybody. They believe in what they're selling, but also know that it's not for everyone no matter how good it is. They can't get any good results if they half ass everything and try selling in rare intervals.

    The opinions of others. All you can do is your best. Whatever that current best is. Express yourself honestly to find the right people and to let go of the ones that aren't interested. You've spent so much time worrying about the things you can't control rather than focusing on what you can control that you've created a strong belief of fear and having no power to change your life. You're excessively concerned with doing the perfect thing to get the perfect result (which doesn't exist) so you end up doing not much of anything at all. Whether you take risks and put yourself out there or you don't... there's always going to be people that don't like you. Learning to handle these emotions better rather than avoiding them will determine your future.

    You've created a life of solitude. Very safe and comfortable. Very self centered. Protecting yourself from others. Avoiding and neglecting all the potential negative experiences life has to offer, but that also puts a halt to the potential positive experiences as well. Porn is a way to cheat reality by falsely believing that you're getting all the positive without having to risk or deal with any of the negatives. Even things like netflix. You get to give up taking any responsibility for your own life and just stay comfortable. Congratulations, you're safe and comfortable.
    koolpal likes this.
  4. pfb2019

    pfb2019 Fapstronaut

    Grew up very timid. Worked with good-looking girl during summer job. When she asked 'call me sometime' I never really talked to her or hung out with her. I was sort of relieved at end of my senior year when she said I was named shyest in my class. But I never called her. only regret in my life. Now I think about it everyday, but I need to let it go. Maybe the church I go to will help, even with the fact I turn 50 later this year.
  5. cofnidence comes from sex not vice vers
  6. wwtl

    wwtl Fapstronaut

    On your death bed you won't regret the stupid things you did. You will regret the things you did not do.
  7. properWood

    properWood Fapstronaut

    Not a medical doctor, but going through some crap myself too.

    I see some childhood trauma there that doesn't seem to be resolved. Even if you are alone at home or trying to mingle with ladies, your family (especially the uncle) is in with you in your head, and they are still terrorising and tormenting you with this; they have to get out of there.

    Work on your emotional wellbeing by learning to release those suppressed emotions from the past. There are methods to do so, a good psychotherapist would definitely put you on the right track.

    Fear/anxiety/shyness don't just come because that's how you are, rather they are learnt behaviour from your childhood. The only fear we are born with is the fear of falling, every other fear is learnt and can be managed once you know its source.

    As example, my childhood was filled with loneliness, boredom, shame and neglect. All my relationships with women were surrounded with fear of being lonely (started to chase them), shame (started to apologise for absolutely everything, even if it wasn't my fault), neglect (would set up the end of the relationship by myself, so that I don't get rejected) and boredom (I had some extremely intense relationships, that exhausted both them and myself). Will my next relationship be amazing? Probably not, but at least I'm aware of how I'm sabotaging myself and can try to work at it; shame is the hardest.

    I'd say it's more or less same in your situation, some learnt behaviour that makes you feel comfortable (to avoid some pain from your childhood days) and that's sabotaging any sort of try to get intimate with ladies. Hope it helps! :)
    ReclaimingControl80 likes this.

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