Never have enough love?

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by WhyNotStop, Sep 2, 2019.

  1. WhyNotStop

    WhyNotStop Fapstronaut

    I'm 50 days in and it's been a hard journey. I've been able to form this beautiful relationship through the help of God. Everything is going well and we tell each other how much we love each other. This has helped rise my will power and now I'm doing and trying new things that I never have before. This is a healthy relationship where we don't plan to have sex anytime soon. This is our first time in a relationship so we are both learning as we get to know each other. Here's the problem... Every time we express our love for each other it's like a high... I stop worrying and I feel amazing... But that slowly fades as anxiety and loneliness kick back in and bad thoughts take over. I know I have nothing to worry about but when communication with her stops my mind starts running. Everything is going well in the relationship it's just I stress myself out for no reason.

    I have suffered from many rejections and this is why I think my mind is doing this to me. I get great relationship advice from my father. But right now I feel lonely and lost.

    I also feel like every time I hit a mile stone, for example 50 days, I reach a low point and sink into loneliness. It's like I'm swimming and suddenly I find myself summered in water struggling for air.
     
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  2. FreeSam

    FreeSam Fapstronaut

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    Congratulations on what seems like a beautiful relationship. As a married man I would say take peace in the fact that we cannot truly control anything when it comes to relationships. Its actually freeing to have the mindset that if it is meant to be then just do your best to make it happen and leave the rest up to destiny. In terms of reaching a low, I think it is totally normal as I am going on 100 days of sobriety and feeling the same way. A good quote is 'the opposite of recovery is connection', I know for me I start to feel the weight of being disconnected in sobriety which is something I gotta work on.

    Cheers,

    Sam
     
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  3. TheMightyQuinn

    TheMightyQuinn Fapstronaut

    I can relate to your experience. I have been married for 5 years and often feel this way. If you read my journal, you will see my most recent journey. What I have discovered is that I have an anxiety attachment style, one that needs constant reassurance, and that I am married to someone who is somewhat avoidant. We are a good strong couple and are working through our issues around intimacy and sex but it is challenging.

    Here's a suggestion, next time you having loving time together, at your next opportunity, right it all down in a journal. Then, when you're feeling the anxiety, reread the journal entry. Keep doing this every time, keep it fresh.

    Also, recognize where you are. At 50 days you feel this way. So just say to yourself "self: I always feel this way at 50 days, this too shall pass".

    I would also suggest some therapy work around your feelings around past rejections. Do you feel you are unlovable in some way? I am doing this as well.

    Also, keep in mind that coming out of the porn, you're going to have to face the hard feelings that porn was hiding from you. This is what is happening to you. You know longer have an escape, and at 50 days, it hits like a ton of bricks. You will get through this. After all, the only way out is through.

    Best to you,
    -Quinn
     
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  4. mrtumnus

    mrtumnus Fapstronaut

    Hi! I'm excited for you and the fact that you're already on a journey of purity before being in a relationship! That's something I never was able to hold onto, and is my primary regret in life so far. Stay strong, and you will never regret it!
     
  5. Salt & Light

    Salt & Light Fapstronaut

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    Hello, it's lovely that you've found such a beautiful connection. I'm really happy for you. I was just wondering if your GFs aware of your addiction and the process which you're going through? I found out about my BFs addiction 9 months after we fell in love. He is the love of my life, but I truly wish he'd told me the truth earlier. However he was in denial, and you personally seem to be in a much better state of mind and recovery so well done!

    Have you been totally open with you GF?
    I'm not suggesting you do this, it's not my place...it's your decision to make but when in a relationship, secrets can add negative weight. It feels like an emotional dragging effect for me. It's almost physical actually.

    Obviously I'm not aware of the details, but love prevails. Even though I found out the hard way as many partners do, our love has conquered my fears, insecurities and self doubts. I'm sure it's not easy having an addiction and being in a relationship - so honesty is important and deceit can be crippling. I'm not attempting to scare you, but being truly open with your GF may bring you some security in these times. It feels so good for you to feel security when your with her, she will need to feel this safety too. I used to believe love was the most important thing between a couple, but it's not. It's an equal measure of love and trust. If your GF doesn't know, she will likely know eventually.

    Are there other concerns? i.e, do you have a fear of failure or abandonment? You mentioned rejection.
    Or an unresolved root cause for your addiction? Loneliness is something you also mentioned, so perhaps look closer at what makes you feel lonely. Is it being without your GF? Or maybe not being comfortable by yourself? There is a difference here. I hope that makes sense?! :)

    You may have moments of feeling disconnected during your journey. The opportunity here is to reconnect with yourself, rather than depend on others all time. Reaching out to a parent is great, it's good to discuss your thoughts and feelings with someone else. But you'll also need to be comfortable and connected with yourself, for times when you are in fact...alone.

    Also...

    Perhaps reach out in your community, be beneficial to others - this is very important for personal happiness and fulfillment. Helping others gives the human brain a much greater reward than only helping yourself.

    A journal is a wonderful idea! It will encourage you to focus on the positive rather than being over come by the negative feeling in the moment. Mindfulness Meditation is also a great technique to re-centre your thoughts and learn not to act...just to let thoughts and feelings pass by. Of course this takes practice, but the benefits are enormous!

    I wish you all the best and please ask any questions, S&L
     
  6. WhyNotStop

    WhyNotStop Fapstronaut

    As far as telling my girlfriend... I'm not quite ready, we tell each other everything but I'm just not ready to expose her to the past suffering I've been through. For now I'm leaving the past where it belongs... The past. Once our relationship is stronger I'll happily open up to her.

    We both understand and have set in place that trust and communication are key to building this relationship.

    My fears of abandonment stem from a deep confidence issue I've fought with for years. I've been able to open my eyes as to why I'm acting this way and am slowly removing all worries by just looking myself in the mirror reminding myself of all the great things we've done together and all the wonderful things I've been able to accomplish with her.

    We're putting this relationship in the hands of God and I'm not going to keep allowing the past to slow us down.
     
  7. TheMightyQuinn

    TheMightyQuinn Fapstronaut

    This post is a gem.

    I can relate both to the place where I am in my marriage and my relationship with myself which is still lacking but is an active work in progress. Actually both are a work in progress but I realized that in order to have a better relationship in my marriage I had to have a better relationship with myself. I'm working hard on coming out of self-loathing and taking ownership of my own happiness. I'm starting music lessons again. I'm changing my hairstyle. I'm getting into shape at the gym, I've hired a personal trainer. I'm buying clothes and taking an interest in style, I'm hiring a personal shopper to help me. For my marriage, we are working with a marriage coach to help us with our sex and intimacy life which has been a challenge in our relationship.

    Peace,
    -Quinn
     
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  8. WhyNotStop

    WhyNotStop Fapstronaut

    Thanks Quinn. I'm slowly starting to improve myself... I'm taking a different approach. I'm already a musician and have recently started acting so I'm going to pursue that on the side. As for my looks, Today I looked myself in the mirror and just observed how (I don't mean to be egotistical) nice looking of a guy I am. I decided to not shave to see how different I would look. I'm now going to pursue my dreams in my relationship by giving my girlfriend a visit during the exchange of class and will do anything to prevent my past with failed relationships from preventing me from going further into my relationship. I've also been listening to two audio books. One is called "The Five Love Languages" Which is great for any relationship and the other book is "Insecure in love" to learn more about how to deal with my anxiety attachment style. I'm taking everyday as another opportunity to improve not only my relationship with my girlfriend but with myself. You have to love yourself in order to correctly show love to others.
     
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  9. TheMightyQuinn

    TheMightyQuinn Fapstronaut

    Thanks @WhyNotStop That's very helpful. I'm aware of the 5 love languages. Mine is touch, my wife's is acts of service. She says touch is her secondary. I'm working with anxious attachment issues as well and I'll check out the Insecure in love book.

    Kevin
     
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