Never in my life have I felt so lonely - laying next to my wife in the bed I built

I'm not a married man, heck I'm only 21. What do I know about marriage or the adult world.

What I can tell you is that you are smart in knowing that their is a problem. You must do what you can to save yourself, save your marriage, and overly speaking -- setting a strong family foundation for your kids.

Have you tried asking her what is wrong? What she doesn't like about you?

 

Dad? Is that you?

 

Reminder her that she is the only one in the world. You need to tell her that you were led astray by your fantasy and you should tell her about this website. In fact, you should let her know about this struggle so that she can be supportive of you. The minute you let her know that you never left her, the minute she will understand that you didn't fall out of love for her. A woman's worth is measured by how much you love her.

~Don Draper
The random internet guy.

 

@ParvusSapentia I really like what you wrote. Both of your posts are very clearly articulated...
What would your wife make of them?

You have the forums here, and I am glad you are part of them - who else is available to you? Who else might be able to help you kick the habit? In your area are there any counsellors, pastors, meetups, psychologists, sex therapists, or the like who could offer you help or insight?

When you say you have "tried and tried" to talk to her, how did you try? What did you say? What questions did you ask?

Not feeling safe at home - feeling hurt and angry and sad and guilty and frustrated - sucks. A lot. Feels like poison, doesn't it? I'm pulling for you, man!

 

Seems like you cleared yourself from brainfog. Now you see clearly the situation.

It is your responsibilty to open your wifes mind so that she gets to know how much pain she creates for her, for you and especially for her children by supressing her aggression and acting it out in a passive, self dedtructing way.

Do everything you can to make clear that you finally discovered the harm you did to your relationship with pmo, and that you make a change for the better.

Let her know that you are ready to forgive yourself and to forgive her, and now the time has come for both of you to take responsibility for your marriage and family.

Show to her that you are no longer the weak pmo addict you once used to be. Make it clear you are ready to take responsibility and that you are able to give her love and security and that you are the man who will give her security and strength so she can rediscover the love she once had for you.

 

@ParvusSapentia My advice would be to take care of yourself. One thing about being human is that we can't control others. No matter how hard we try, no matter what we do or say, we can't make anybody do anything. You can't let your happiness or self-worth depend on someone else or someone else's view of you.

 

You have a good, strong view on the situation. Just remember you are now on the right path, there is no reason left to make you feel bad. You faced your wrongdoings of the past and changed that. The fact that you see a therapist is proof enough.

It touches my heart to hear about your progress and striving to be a better man, and your wife not responding to it. I really wish one day she will realize what's really going on - opening up to surpressed emotions, letting go of judgement.

I feel for you.

 

Regardless of what you've done in the past, you're trying to be better today. That's what counts! She's not ready for a divorce but wants to pretty much ignore you for 10 years? What the hell man...

Here's a suggestion: how about you act cold torwards her? You don't have to be rude, just distant. You need to show her that you don't appreciate her lack of support nor whatever behaviours she's been engaging in, which, by the way, are very childlike! I'm annoyed by the fact that people refuse to be supportive.

What kind of issues does she have? Have you been supportive as far as those go? Or is she trying to act tough and keeping silent about them? Everything can be resolved via conversation but some people aren't good at listening.

If you don't/can't be cold, then you could try doing little things here and there to convince her that she's in the wrong and that you're changing because you care about her and about your kids, such as leaving written notes, buying her her favourite X thing, putting on her favourite film on the tv, etc. etc..

I hope you can turn this around.

 

this is a tough spot that so many men and women must be in. Trapped in a relationship for the kids basically. Communication is your best friend here no sense in walking around on eggshells, have a conversation with her and get it all out. Most people in this situation don't communicate because they fear the results.

 

@ParvusSapentia, I wish you were the only spouse with your problem, but you are not alone. A few details in each story are unique, but the basic line is all too common. Leaving PMO behind is easier than repairing a broken relationship. Sadly, many religious teachings complicate the matter with twisted views of sex as evil or only for procreation.
I hope you will be able to open dialogue with your wife, let her know how much you love her, how you are doing this for her, and how much you miss her touch. Years ago, before serious P involvement, I began rubbing my wife's back, so that I could have some physical contact.

 

One can not fix in days what was being destroyed for years and actions speak lauder than worlds. Promisess of an addict mean nothihing.

The only way u can possibly change things for better is by healing yourself and leaving your addiction behind for good. Be patient with her and with yourself.

Also if u are hooked on physical relise, she would feel u are approaching her in order to use her for sex. The love act will not be giving and sharing but taking and after a while she will distance herself from that. Woman are terribly sensitive about those things and they pick on just about everything. Stop doing what she perceives as harrasmet. It is distressing her regardless of what u think or what your intentions are.

Do not worry about her for now. Work on yourself. That is the only thing u can truly change. We can never change others or fix them or get them to forgive us. Those things must come from them.

 

"Feeling good Together" by David Burns. Might wanna work that program with her. NoFAp alone won't solve your problems.

 

I'll just keep praying that hearts can change! And I know they do!

 

Hello. I'm glad you decided to join a forum to support you in your recovery. I was a SO to a sex/porn addict, w are no longer together due to his lack of true honesty in his desire to get better. First I'd like to commend you for reaching out for help! In reading your story I felt that you are honestly trying to get better and not bLowing smoke. My suggestion to you would be to first and foremost take care of yourself and addiction, get a solid program/therapy sessions going and consistentency is important, my ex did the therapy, joined Saa group, etc.. but he never could remain consistent and so, you know the rest, I felt it was all fake and he never proved to me that he wanted to change, perhaps your wife needs this time to see the proof as well as process what has just rocked her world. Also, The stress of wondering if she will speak to you may harm your recovery but I understand you love her and want to make it right. Sit down for a moment, put yourself in her shoes, had she done that to you what would you do? How would you feel? For an addict they sometimes do not realize the depths of their betrayal, some still think "it's justporn" and not real cheating, well, if it affected your sex life, your fantasizing of other women, your intimacy with your married partner, it's not "just looking at porn". You have robbed her of her trust, faith, safety, belief, self esteem, and so much more. Some pmo/sex addicts don't realize this because they are in a fog in their addiction, they are unable to put themselves in the others shoes because the only thing that matters is their own. You sound as though with your days of no pmo you are clearing your head a bit from the dopamine search. If you could include her in a therapy session here and there that might be helpful. I think right now she is just so blindsided and hurt, angry from the betray York that she doesn't know if she can trust you again, it is painful and will take time and effort to show her you mean it with your actions. Not just words. Remember, your words are all lies in her eyes right now. Show her, don't just tell her. Allow her to see the things you are doing, ask f she might be willing to do couples counseling, anything that is more the words, because right now, all you are is just a liar and that is the consequences from your addiction. Give her time to process and heal, give yourself time to reboot, recover and show her by actions. If there is any hope of reconciliation it will happen with your actions, not your words, which to her right now is just harassing. I wish you well, remember, no matter if this marriage works or not, not dealing with this addiction will ruin any future relationships, you should right this ship with the woman you love and mother of your kids as soon as possible instead of abandoning and starting over. Time heals all wounds.

 

Damn bro, I read your story, i really hope your wife has a change of heart, you sound like you have changed yourself, hopefully Life will shed some light on your situation and you can reach the end of this rocky path, you and your family, together the way it's meant to be....

 

I think you did everything that you could. You apologized and told her you loved her. I think you been extremely patient with her.

You made a mistake but you didn't commit a crime, you just watched porn. In the past I felt porn was normal and all my ex's didn't mind, some of them even watched it with me.

No one is fucking perfect and nor is she. She is just so unforgiving and selfish. You can forgive her but why can't she forgive you? Marriage should be love and forgiveness. You didn't do anything that is not forgivable. Yes, you did hurt her by watching porn and she feels like you betrayed her.

Sit her down and the conversation should go like this.

Do you still love me?

If she says no

I still love you but I can not live like this any more. I think we should get a divorce, I not going to wait 10 or 12 years. If you don't love me then, then we shouldn't be living in the same roof and the same bed.

If kids come up:

The kids know if we are unhappy or happy. Kids are smart and they know it's an act. (They really do know)

Buy a book with divorce and children with it first. You have to think about the kids first.

Two things can happen:

She will respect and love you more

Or she will hate you but now you are divorced.

Being with her for the next 10 years and not receiving love is torture.

You also have an opportunity to find a girl who accepts you for your past mistakes.

I hope it works out well because I feel you are a good man. I think most guys and girls will agree.