Never thought it could happen...

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by 4longhours, Jul 19, 2016.

  1. 4longhours

    4longhours Fapstronaut

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    Well this is 'fun'... I've read about nofap and porn addiction issues on a completely unrelated site. So I was aware of the phenomena for a few years.

    I have a problem, or I wouldn't be here posting. I am recently divorced, married over 20 years. Sex was extremely rare, one reason marriage finally failed, as in a few times a year. She was also very tight, so I always had to go slow with intercourse. Intercourse was close to the old death grip and there was plenty of masturbation to make up for the lack of sex over the years.

    I recently met someone and we started sleeping together and I have complete DE. I expected it the first time since I had seen the same thing happen before the first time I with a woman, I can go forever that first time and won't orgasm and I told her that. The only time I ever came the first time with a woman is when she had very well developed kiegels.

    What I didn't expect is it to stay that way. I can get it up with my new partner, and she's getting off but me not doing the same is rearing it's ugly head. I'm worried it's gonna be an issue. She wants me to orgasm and has said so a few times. I don't want her thinking it's her because I don't think it's that. I would expect to not be able to perform at all if I wasn't attracted.

    So here I am trying to figure out how to resolve my issue. I understand the basics of both NoFap and no porn. I haven't been feeling a need for porn lately and have been able orgasm via masturbation while fantasizing about women I know or remembering past experiences. So I don't think I have a hard core porn hang up and the porn I gravitate towards is vanilla, so it's not like I'm expecting my partner to suddenly to some kinky fetish type stuff.

    I really think it's a death grip issue. I'm just starting my research and current game plan is no masturbation. I will keep having sex with my partner because I enjoy that, even if I don't cum, and her getting off means more to me than me getting off.

    I'll listen to any feedback. My plan may be flawed. I will say my partner and I have talked about my issue and she's supportive about trying to resolve it.
     
    AndySky180 likes this.
  2. JMan55

    JMan55 Fapstronaut

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    Hey 4longhours ... it sounds like we're in similar situations. Got out of my marriage after over 2 years of no sex - yes, there was masturbation, but no porn.

    Found a lady and we enjoy being together, but like your situation, she gets off but I don't.

    Hopefully this will help us both out! I'll be interested to see your progress and how things are going.

    Good luck to us both!
     
    AndySky180 likes this.
  3. 4longhours

    4longhours Fapstronaut

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    Good luck to you as well. It's very odd to me but not surprising from what I'm reading. I'm just glad the porn side of things never got too strange, mostly stuff that you could have found in Hustler for those of you that know about pre internet porn ,lol, or a must have all the time.
     
    AndySky180 likes this.
  4. Rav70

    Rav70 Fapstronaut

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    My bf had the same issues. DE! Hated it!
    No porn and no masturbation fixed it completely very quickly.
    Several guys on here have resolved the issue also by doing the same thing.
    We did full body massages with lots of foreplay too.
    Good luck and stop fantasizing about other woman would you like it if she did that? No.
    At the start of his journey there were a few times he couldn't O so we'd stop, relax and cuddle and watch TV then we'd try again and he could... Don't pound away in desperation it gets old fast.
     
    GoneIncognito likes this.
  5. 4longhours

    4longhours Fapstronaut

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    I'm glad to hear it resolved itself in your relationship.

    She's my only focus since I met her. I don't fantasize about other women during sex. I'll clarify since it may be semantics on my part. I would fantasize about women in my life that I found attractive during M while in bed by myself, so either before going to sleep or after waking up. The P would be for M during the day when that urge hit which was sporadic. Sometimes that would be a few times a day, other times it'd be a spell of none. I very rarely would fantasize about any of the women I viewed in porn unless I was sitting at the computer looking at a picture.

    I did realize the PMO was becoming an issue last year and seriously cut back. I didn't quit and it would be sporadic. Sometimes a week or two with no PMO, sometimes there would be a spell where the PMO was more than once a day.

    I consider myself lucky in the greater scheme of things. My big issue is death grip induced DE. I'm aroused when I'm with her and am not bored during sex. I do have that voice in the back of my head that nags a bit about my inability to O at times and there have been moments when I thought I was close. I am confident it'll resolve itself because I can recall a number of times with my ex where I'd last all of a few minutes after penetration.

    We had the talk a few days ago and as embarrassing as it was to tell her I think the problem was death grip, she was supportive. It's a fairly young relationship as well but I realized it was going to be an issue because I didn't O during the half dozen of times we've had sex.

    As far as progress goes. PMO happened once last week. It's been at least 5 days, since it happened. I just can remember exactly what day it was, so maybe 6. I will keep going down this path since it's the correct one and rely on her understanding and support to get through this and she does want to get through this. I'll talk to her about it more if needed and there is also karetza(sp?).
     
  6. JMan55

    JMan55 Fapstronaut

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    Oh boy ... I can relate to a lot of what you said... the deathgrip induced DE, the aroused and not bored when with her, the voice in the back of the head that says, "can you do it this time? I doubt it!" ... and then the moments when you are just certain you're going to make it and boom, everything slides back down the arousal slope.

    Keep up the good work, know you are not alone in this, and that we can get back to our former selves - maybe not to our former glory (because I don't think I have the stamina any longer). Or to paraphrase Toby Kieth, "we may not be as good as we once was, but we'll be as good once as we ever were"
     
  7. Hotshot

    Hotshot Fapstronaut

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    My sex increased to damn near daily when I quit PMO. I had a girlfriend at the time who is now my wife. Sex didn't start off fun. Pmo changed how it felt because my mind was telling it is going to feel a certain way but it never did because my mind was lying to me. It was a fantasy. To this day something I regularly pmod to, I don't even get enjoyment out of when we do it. My mind is STILL convinced it's suppose to feel sooooo good but it doesnt.

    I started with porn at 6 years old with maga zines and moved to vhs tapes when I was 9/10 I started fapping. I am 25 now and very happy I quit. Sex is so much more fun. It didn't start that way. I'm trying to explain without being too graphic.

    The BEST thing I ever did for me and for US was quit. I'm a better person. We're a stronger unit.
     
    4longhours, JMan55 and Rav70 like this.
  8. g2stop

    g2stop Fapstronaut

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    I agree that the answer is to quit PMO. Fantasy and porn have damaging effects on the brain and when you couple that with death grip, you get the problems that have been described.
     
  9. 4longhours

    4longhours Fapstronaut

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    Well the good news is I'm still on track and noticing a change already. I was almost there for an O with my girlfriend.

    The bad news? There is none. I know this is the right path and I'm starting to respond already.
     
  10. JMan55

    JMan55 Fapstronaut

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    Aha! That gives me hope for the next time my GF and I are together! I do feel like there is something I'm overlooking - or am in denial about, but I can't quite figure it out. I hope it doesn't mess things up for me.

    But congratulations on the progress already!
     
  11. 4longhours

    4longhours Fapstronaut

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    The feeling of overlooking something or denying something, is that normal for you? What I'm curious about is if your feeling is a legitimate feeling of all is not as it appears versus a self generated feeling for something that really doesn't exist. Regardless of which it is, it only messes you up if you let it. I'll go off on a tangent, since I'm good at that, and use an analogy of sorts.

    I golf. Years ago I set of goal of breaking 100. One of the lessons I had to learn on the course was to let go of what just happened. I kept finding myself playing well and on pace for my goal and then I'd have a blow up. Maybe a ball into the water or trees and the rest of my round would fall apart. The stupid thing is the blow up hole wouldn't have prevented me of reaching my goal. I still could have broken 100 if I regrouped and played well. But I didn't because I got pissed at myself and frustrated because I just 'failed'. It took a while to get over that mind set and to just accept that sh!t happens and move on. The problem was me, in my own head, thinking I just failed as I hear the ball hit a tree out of bounds. I didn't fail, I just had a challenge to try and overcome.

    Don't let things 'mess things up'. Own what happens, acknowledge it, learn from it, and move on. Something that can happen on a road to change is that we clear one roadblock, no more P!, to find the next one that was hidden because we couldn't get there until after figuring out the first, crap I quit porn but my death grip M is causing me issues. Do I quit? Hell no. Realize it, accept it (let go if you can), move on. We got this.
     
    JMan55 likes this.
  12. JMan55

    JMan55 Fapstronaut

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    Loved the post! Great analogy. And a few good puns as well. I know. It's just the way my mind works (thinking specifically of the "let go if you can" comment in relation to death grip).

    As for the original thought, I will have to do some observation and thinking on that. One thing I do know (and I really wish there was a study on this someplace) is that as a programmer, it is *very* difficult to get away from the internet. And Google. Now, I can resist the urge to google porn, because I find it boring - always have. But to research a new tent, or motorcycle, or boat, or, or, or (you get the idea, right?). Always something new and/or different. Which I think is both a Godsend and a curse. So much information at our fingers, and so many ways to abuse it. Not just the info, but the finding of it, too.

    I've started buying DVDs and watching them at night (in the last 3 or 4 months) rather than 'cruising' the internet. Movies like Lonesome Dove, Secondhand Lions. Good movies, some classics, and some new. I think it helps keep me off the constant feed of "new". At least I hope it does.

    As for having it ? Yup. It's being a man. It's what men are supposed to do. We build and fix things
     
  13. 4longhours

    4longhours Fapstronaut

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    So close yet so far... still on track as far as no M but still have concerns. My relationship with my GF is fairly new. She is worried my inability to O is a reflection on her and it's not. I'm a tiny bit worried that this could somehow cause some strain. I hope not...

    We see each other quite a bit and do things together. So the relationship isn't built on sex but sex is critical to a romantic relationship. I'm glad I can perform no problem and just struggle to O. Getting closer to it and I've told her so. We do talk about it but I still feel stupid. Not rational I know but still...

    Wonder if there is something else going on in my head because the sex is fun and I enjoy it quite a bit. I dunno. It'll sort itself out.
     
  14. JMan55

    JMan55 Fapstronaut

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    Like you said over on my journal.... your situation sounds a lot like mine.

    Relatively new relationship, can't seem to 'O' (altho I have with her when we first started having sex but it was always difficult for either the ED issues, or sensitivity). I think I have the ED issues figured out, but that elusive O during intercourse. And, yes, I also wonder sometimes if it isn't something going on in my head because the time we spend together, both in and out of the BR is awesome.

    We'll figure it out, my friend. We'll figure it out.
     

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