New and desperate

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by metalhead1, Oct 16, 2020.

  1. metalhead1

    metalhead1 New Fapstronaut

    4
    2
    3
    Hey everyone, I'm a new member and I'd like to thank everyone in advance for their relpies and advice.

    A little back story. I'm 28(male) and just got engaged to my fiancee who is 29 (female) and we've lived together for about 2 years. I've been watching or looking at porn pretty much every day since I was 13. Me and my fiancee since we've moved in together are usually only having sex like once a week. I have a physical job and work long hours and by the time we come home and make dinner, clean etc I just dont have the energy or drive to have sex. She's also the submissive type. She wants to feel like she's wanted so she never initiates sex so it's all up to me to initiate. Anyways, every once in a while she'll get angry over the fact we're not having a lot of sex and I sort of make the excuse that I'm tired. Little did she know I was looking at porn at work, at home I'd watch porn and masturbate before she got home from work (I get home earlier most days), and I'd watch porn and masturbate on my friday's off work while she's at work. Well she's pretty much fed up with that now. She accused me of cheating with other girls and that's why we're not having sex, which isn't true, I would never cheat on her, she does'nt deserve that and I love her dearly. Well the other night while I was sleeping, she went through my phone and saw all the porn I've been watching and freaked out. It was finally time to admit that I had a problem to her, as well as myself because up until that point, I didn't think I'd had a problem because it's always been part of my life and every guy watches porn right!?!?!? Anyway's, she's said she can't marry me if this continues, which I can't blame her for. Until last night, I had gone 3 days with no porn and no masturbation. I was excited to have sex with her last night until we began and I couldn't get an erection. I thought it would be the complete opposite since I hadn't orgasmed in 3 days!!! She started crying and think's it's her and that I'm not attracted to her. Have any of you guys experienced having erectile problems after quitting porn. I'm going to try and have sex again tonight and if it happens again I'm going to be very worried. I just don't know what to do.
     
    JamesTheSquirrel likes this.
  2. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

    1,599
    2,232
    143
    Yeah, that happens. Your body is confused because you’ve stopped using the drug that your body is use to. Your brain is going to try and get you to go back to pmo. Read as much as you can about porn addiction and betrayal trauma.
     
  3. JamesTheSquirrel

    JamesTheSquirrel Fapstronaut

    Hey Metalhead1, welcome to the forum. Sadly your story is all too familiar to me and a lot of others on the forum.

    We've been led to believe our whole lives that 'everybody watches porn' when in reality that just isn't the case and it's often a significant source of issues in relationships. A lot of partners view porn use to be just the same as cheating as you are directing your sexual energy towards other people. I too never felt like I had enough energy to have sex but always could find time to PMO, when I could have used that time to cook, clean etc leaving plenty of opportunities to pursue my wife.

    One thing that's really important in your recovery is that you are doing it for yourself and not just to appease your partner. Otherwise if you ever argue or sex is off the cards, you risk losing your conviction to quitting.

    Congrats on making it to 3 days so far and I recommend involving your partner as much as possible in your recovery. In the grand scheme of things there's a long way to go and it can take months or longer for things like ED to improve. I recommend not rushing into sex and putting pressure on yourself to perform as that can just make things worse.

    Consider doing a stint of hard mode (no O) as this is the best way to reset yourself. Most people recommend 90 days. My relationship was in a complete mess when I came clean and we managed 30 days before being all over each other and by that point there was noticeable improvement. I'm now over a year clean, my ED almost entirely gone and my sexual desire towards my wife is a lot higher.

    Best of luck with your journey!
     
  4. p1n1983

    p1n1983 Fapstronaut

    425
    454
    63
    Some people get PIED with porn like you. The ones that stop fapping and watching at porn can take from 2 weeks to several months to have an erection with a real woman.
    You only took 3 days away from it, that's nothing. You have a severe problem there that is going to take time to heal.
    At least now you know what you have and what you need to do to heal.
    Talk to your woman about it and that you are going to need time to heal, that is not her is you the one with the problem and pray that she didn't decide to leave.

    No matter what happens with her, commit to nofap.. or you will be with ED the rest of your life and no woman is going to put up with it.
     
  5. metalhead1

    metalhead1 New Fapstronaut

    4
    2
    3
    She’s been really supportive so far. She’s not going to leave me or anything she promises. I mean, if this problem doesn’t get fixed then she probably will but for now she’s being good about it which I’m thankful for. Everything is out in the open now. I don’t want to keep any secrets from her any longer.

    And the thought of going hard mode for 90 days scares me lol. I don’t think i could do that.
     
    JamesTheSquirrel likes this.
  6. fromsheeptowolf

    fromsheeptowolf Fapstronaut

    79
    86
    18
    Whether you think you can commit to it or not, you are right.

    Don't take her support for granted, my friend.

    I would suggest convincing yourself that watching pornography is cheating. Make it a part of you, a burning truth, like we addicts think "every guy watches porn".

    Also, let her know about PIED, the consequences, how long it takes to heal, etc. If you haven't read through the NoFap information pages and threads it will be good to do so (both of you).

    I know you can do it! More power to you both!
     
    JamesTheSquirrel likes this.
  7. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

    1,599
    2,232
    143
    To me, and to almost every gf/wife/so- pornography IS cheating. The only difference is it’s with thousands of women that you can access at every waking moment. There is no competition and we know it, at least if it were just another woman we know she has flaws and you wouldn’t have 100% access. Pornography use is every bit as damaging and crushing as if you’d had an affair. You’ve cheated. You may not think of it as cheating, but we do. Especially the lying and hiding.
     
  8. tonyk1982

    tonyk1982 Fapstronaut

    You are absolutely right.
     
    Trobone likes this.
  9. Trobone

    Trobone Fapstronaut

    20
    32
    13
    To some it's worse than cheating because it can be hidden and accessed anywhere anytime. Also, it's not a "real" woman they're competing again, it's a photoshopped actress pretending to be what the male mind thinks it wants and no woman could really keep up with.
     
    used19 and Psalm27:1my light like this.
  10. metalhead1

    metalhead1 New Fapstronaut

    4
    2
    3
    Thanks for the comments and advice everyone. An update if you are all interested:

    Everything is going really well. Havent watched porn in 9 days now. I think that first time I went to get intimate with my girlfriend after quitting porn and not being able to get it up was a fluke. I think I was just putting too much pressure on my self. Since then we’ve had sex 3 or 4 times and its been great every time!

    It’s been tough not watching porn I will admit though and I know I have a long way to go. The hardest part is when I get home from work as I always get home before my fiancee by about 45 minutes. I was so used to ending work and looking forward to jacking off when I got home before she gets home. I havent done it this week after work at all but I’m just so horny and it’s so tempting just to blow my load while I’ve got the house to myself. But I know I’ve got to stay strong and disciplined.
     
  11. Trobone

    Trobone Fapstronaut

    20
    32
    13
    Make a new habit.

    Start dinner or go for a walk or something like that.
     
  12. 007_JamesBond

    007_JamesBond Fapstronaut

    41
    38
    18
    Sex is more mental then it is physical. If a guy feels under pressure or in my case felt like my wife didn't love me when she slapped me across the face then I couldn't maintain an erection. You might think about getting a dildo or vibrator to use on your girlfriend. It might take some of the pressure off to perform. Your goal should be to make her happy in bed. Find things to compliment her on. Ask her how her day went and bring a flower home once in a while if you can afford it.

    Every person has at least one giant to try to battle. Drugs, drinking, greed, anger and for us, sex. A partner should be supportive in assisting their partner on the giant in their life. I'm glad your girlfriend appears supportive.
     

Share This Page