The Pleasure Delusion
Fapstronaut
Hi everyone, I feel excited about this!
I am in my early 20's and I want to get rid of my addiction to soft core porn. I don't suffer from ED, nor am delighted at taboo and hope it never comes to that. But I am sure porn has made me suffer in ways I don't understand and can't even find people to relate with.
It was at a young age ( grade 6 perhaps) that I saw a few anime pictures that got me curious. I was so young, I wasn't even sure if it was bad to watch. I thought it was an adult thing and they never told me. (To laugh or to sigh lol). But of course, there was doubt. The inside of me was not at ease and that was sufficient proof. I can't even remember if I had a permanent habit or if it was an occasional thing. I can say there was an off and on going on.
I was from an even younger age familiar with M and O, without porn. So today, when I get an erection, the shape is tilted towards one direction from all that I have done with my hands.
What is my motivation? It's faith. I have deceived myself and only in recent months did I acknowledge an addiction existed. The absence of urges just made me go a time without thinking about it. It is now; that I have acknowledged the problem; am I putting things on pen and paper.
We all make mistakes and slip up. I don't despair, God is merciful, his blessings on me are abundant. It's just wrong to do this. What weak integrity I have. Again, I have been lying to myself. Well, at least, I know now.
I'm just thinking. It is rather a challenge. I managed to stay away for 2 months and 13 days without PMO. I relapsed recently. Although I did manage my 2 months abstinence target. The holy month of Ramadan made it easy. I could never sin in that month. I tried fasting recently when my urges started. 3 days of it. The fasts were hard. During the fast, it was out of the option to sin so I was safe in the morning. It was at night I was vulnerable and on the second I lost.
My A level performance was weakened by my cravings. I'm in uni now. I always complain of fatigue and spend all my time studying. I noticed math makes me anxious. Even if I'm doing well. My relations with people is low. I want this dependence to end. Much to say but perhaps another time.
I am in my early 20's and I want to get rid of my addiction to soft core porn. I don't suffer from ED, nor am delighted at taboo and hope it never comes to that. But I am sure porn has made me suffer in ways I don't understand and can't even find people to relate with.
It was at a young age ( grade 6 perhaps) that I saw a few anime pictures that got me curious. I was so young, I wasn't even sure if it was bad to watch. I thought it was an adult thing and they never told me. (To laugh or to sigh lol). But of course, there was doubt. The inside of me was not at ease and that was sufficient proof. I can't even remember if I had a permanent habit or if it was an occasional thing. I can say there was an off and on going on.
I was from an even younger age familiar with M and O, without porn. So today, when I get an erection, the shape is tilted towards one direction from all that I have done with my hands.
What is my motivation? It's faith. I have deceived myself and only in recent months did I acknowledge an addiction existed. The absence of urges just made me go a time without thinking about it. It is now; that I have acknowledged the problem; am I putting things on pen and paper.
We all make mistakes and slip up. I don't despair, God is merciful, his blessings on me are abundant. It's just wrong to do this. What weak integrity I have. Again, I have been lying to myself. Well, at least, I know now.
I'm just thinking. It is rather a challenge. I managed to stay away for 2 months and 13 days without PMO. I relapsed recently. Although I did manage my 2 months abstinence target. The holy month of Ramadan made it easy. I could never sin in that month. I tried fasting recently when my urges started. 3 days of it. The fasts were hard. During the fast, it was out of the option to sin so I was safe in the morning. It was at night I was vulnerable and on the second I lost.
My A level performance was weakened by my cravings. I'm in uni now. I always complain of fatigue and spend all my time studying. I noticed math makes me anxious. Even if I'm doing well. My relations with people is low. I want this dependence to end. Much to say but perhaps another time.
