New Fapstronaut - P*** is Ruining My Life - It's Time to Quit. FOR REAL

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by Aragorn36, Dec 20, 2019.

  1. Aragorn36

    Aragorn36 Fapstronaut

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    Hey all!

    I just want to say how much respect I have for everyone on this journey. This is a real problem, it's not in the public eye as much yet and isn't being taken seriously enough by mainstream, and I feel like everyone on here is part of history in the making (like when smoking started becoming seen as a health issue).

    Just signed on to this site recently. Figured I'd make a post to become a bit more invested in this as opposed to taking a passive, learning, observing approach like I normally would. This thing has gotten to the point where I absolutely need to change for my mental health. I felt really positive over the passed 10 days about this new journey, and I could use some social support.

    Backstory:

    I started looking at pictures of naked women celebs on google images on my computer probably when I was 11 or 12ish. I didn't even know how to get off at the time.

    When I was 14 I figured that out, and started getting off by visualizing about girls in my class, and pictures of girls on the internet on my phone, pretty much every other day. I probably got off to photos and imagination equally as much as the other.

    Between then and ages of 16 to 23 I made it a regular habit of looking at photos of naked photos of girls on the internet on my phone every time I'd wake up for an extended period of time and getting off (especially on the weekend, sometimes out of boredom), and social media photos, and I started to integrate watching P into my routine.

    My first real intimate encounter with a girl was when I was 19, but I couldn't get hard. This I attributed to performance anxiety due to lack of experience. I also think have a minor case of peyrone's, so I am a bit self conscious. **I should mention, during this time period (memory is hazy) I THINK I started to get a tad softer while I was trying to get off just on my own to images and imagination, like 80-85% hard.

    By age 23 I would say I would no longer get off to imagination and would use P and images pretty much all of the time because I found that more stimulating.

    Age 23-25 Started learning about how to meet girls from the internet, hopped on Tinder, and got intimate with over 20 different girls.
    **EVERY TIME I got intimate I was either 60-70% hard (enough to get it in and do the deed) or wasn't able to get it in at all, a quick arousal, and then soft. I attributed this all again to "lack of experience, performance anxiety, and being self-conscious". Long term relationships didn't interest me as I saw them as infringing on my personal freedom, so I had nowhere to really practice my skills either, and no healthy, natural way to get rid of my se**** energy.

    I always confided with friends about my struggles and tried to laugh about it, even got some Cialus, but saw the pill as a band-aid and not a solution to the problem. It worked to a certain degree I'd say, but still felt like I used to get a bit harder? Again, it's been so long since the getting off to imagination days, my memory is hazy.

    When I was 25 A friend showed me Gary Wilson's Ted Talk "The Great P*** Experiment". My mind was blown! I had never heard of P induced E******* Dysfunction before, and I figured this must be what was going on with me, and I know the solution.

    "I would NEVER watch P again."

    That is a sentence I said to myself dozens and dozens and dozens and dozens of times up until this day. I failed every time I tried.

    I figured the best solution would be to find a girl, tell her all about my issue, and then learn how to be a great lover and overcome my struggle with them.

    Here's the deadly thought cycle I ran into that has kept me in chains:

    -Ok I'm going to find a cool chill girlfriend and get over this problem with them!
    -Ah, but I can't get fully hard....
    -AND I'm inexperienced in the bedroom!
    -What's the point? She'd rather have a REAL man. I'm not a man if I can't get hard.
    -(depression and diminished self esteem follows)
    -ahh, well, might as well just get off to P on my own to get rid of this s***** energy
    -(POM)
    -(binge that night, and next day)
    -(No longer have a drive to meet a girl)
    -(days later this thought cycle repeats)

    Still tried going on some dates, but couldn't get aroused easily, and eventually gave up.

    Between 25-29 I started occasionally watching porn that wasn't of my orientation anymore. I always got off to straight P, and was REPULSED by other stuff that was out there. Within these years I started venturing out into other extreme categories, started with same gender videos, threads of men jizzing, compilations, a bit of bdsm, then transgender, and si*** hypno. I have a suspicion that it was partially due to my extremely low self esteem and numbed pleasure response to the regular stuff.

    Over the passed few years started occasionally getting off by experimenting with the male pro*****, something that I NEVER WOULD HAVE IMAGINED I'D DO IN A MILLION YEARS. Something I hold a lot of shame for doing. I've done it probably twenty times and I thought it felt good. But my self esteem plummeted after each time, and I was ashamed of myself. Found it hard to look people in the eye. Within this time frame I started questioning my own orientation. Still disgusted by the idea of kissing my own gender (nothing against it for those who are like that naturally), could I be into just getting off with the opposite gender without that? Started questioning whether or not I should meet up with someone from the same gender, because if I can't get hard, at least I can still get off the other way, right? That was my logic. That only happens when I get horny and need an outlet, and I don't have one. I was out with a girl-friend the other night (she's married so off limits) and went to a bunch of bars around town. We went to meet her friend at a gay bar for karaoke. At the end of the night she asked me if I was gay, probably because I haven't had a girlfriend over the 10 years she's known me (see above). I said I didn't think I was. She asked if I would ever suck a dick. I said no, but a part of me got slightly aroused, but mixed with fear and anxiety. The fact is, I didn't have an immediate "no" like I would have back when I was 19. Could P have revealed an attraction I didn't know about, or changed my neuropathways and warped my arousal tastes?

    I was strictly into girls and girl P before. What the hell is going on?? What has happened to me. What have I become.

    P really fucked up my mind. And it fucked up my life. And I almost took my life as a result.

    I'm 29 now, early this month I watched Gary Wilson's video again, which led me to listen to hours and hours of his and other peoples research on P and POM. I learned a ton, which many of you probably know. A few points I found interesting:

    -Can cause ED in males (already knew)
    -Can alter orientation, but that can be reversed by quitting
    -Dopamine can be triggered by things you're shocked, or disgusted by, or things that cause anxiety (*extreme categories of P)
    -Can cause social anxiety, depression, low self esteem, suicidal thoughts
    -Causes a brain fog
    -Also found all the success stories of people who quit to be really inspiring

    I experienced all of the above. Even wanted to kill myself, thought about suicide everyday for probably 3-4 years. Still do, but not everyday. Certain things keep me alive though, and the patches of time when I experience joy or happiness I am shocked that I'd even consider killing myself.

    It is those listed things above that drew me to this point. I need to do a brain reset to figure out what has been caused by P (for those of you who don't know, your brain will literally change when you quit P for an extended period of time, according to certain studies).

    I need to figure out who I really am again.

    I went 10 Days without P and O. This morning I was looking at instagram and started edging without my hands but stopped. Later I got myself off using the male pro***** because I rationalized that was somehow different. But I don't even want to do that anymore because of the shame. I just want to go back to who I was before. It's crazy how your brain can get caught in habitual patterns and perform mental gymnastics to get you to do something. At least I didn't watch P this time.

    It is people like YOU, the reader, that give me hope and inspiration. I read a couple stories similar to mine, of people with ED, anxiety, depression, warped orientation from their initial tastes. My goal is to become someone that newcomers and relapse folk can look up to as a positive example.

    I met a cool girl I am going to confide MOST of this with when we start to get intimate, and see if she can show me a thing or two in the bedroom – starting with foreplay stuff I think. That'll probably happen next weekend. We'll see how that goes, she's seems really down to earth. I'm thinking I'll refrain from O if I do get intimate.

    I was very reluctant to share all this. But I think it's part of the healing process. Probably wont share all these details with people in person. Figured maybe if I put it out there I'll have more accountability, and show someone else on here who's in a similar boat that they are not alone. I am glad that I joined this forum, I'm hoping it's the beginning of a new chapter of my life. I'll be keeping a basic journal (took notes on why my relapse probably happened this morning) and going to read some strategies for doing this.

    Feel free to comment, share advice, or your own personal experience.

    Thanks for reading!
     
  2. i_have_pizza

    i_have_pizza Fapstronaut

    I know this feeling. U're coming to date and like, huh ... why I'm doing this if it's will be so hard to have sex with partner, better to go watch my lovely porn that turnes me on. So. Many dates came with nothing. But it's more striking when someone special is rejecting you because your sex was not great enough. Like. Maybe i'm not so attracted to that special person, but I am ... I was not just able to have good sex even if I got sexual desire. Like u're making you hard on the start with the hand, but in the middle it's geting softer. It's different from partner to partner, I didn't found a pattern, maybe it's connected to some kind of social anxiety, but it's almost ok with other partners, but still just ok, not good. My advice will be simple, every time u feel not confidante about will you be able not to watch porn ... find some person to talk with. Discuss what you like, your planes, goals. It helpes, preferably stranger, not friend.
     
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  3. Aragorn36

    Aragorn36 Fapstronaut

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    Totally man. Two of the girls I was with for a bit I felt a really strong connection, but the not being able to have sex part just killed it, first in my mind, and then for real. And a part of you is like wow, I gotta fix this or else it's gonna happen again.

    I'll keep your talking to someone strategy in mind, I actually did that by accident last week cause I remembered I had to make a call and it totally disrupted my craving.

    Thanks for the response!
     
  4. Hey man, thanks for sharing your story and being so open, i think thats a great step jn the righht direction. This is a great site and has really good people, so you've coms tio the right place. Best of luck :)
     
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  5. Aragorn36

    Aragorn36 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks man, much appreciated!
     
  6. Hey man. Nice story, seems very honest.
    This is my first reply ever.
    First of all i dont think youre gay or rediscovering your sexuality. You are into girls, is just porn fucking up the reward system of your brain, read some research it is useful.
    The main problem (as i see it) is that you cant get it up, so you are stressed in your relationships. I think this Nofap thing can help you very much.
    But, is going to be HARD
     
  7. Aragorn36

    Aragorn36 Fapstronaut

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    I agree, if I had been able to get it up in the first place I wouldn't have needed to watch porn at all. I'll definitely do some research into the reward circuit and porn. I'm curious how ill feel after a year. Hard to believe I've had a porn habit for over a decade. Thanks for the reply man!
     
  8. Aragorn36

    Aragorn36 Fapstronaut

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    PERSONAL JOURNEY UPDATE:

    I havent watched P in about 3 weeks.

    Had some real cravings for masterbation, which I did without P. I actually found that withdrawing from masterbation made my sex drive go up, and considerably down after I did that 3 times in 2 days. I actually noticed a bit of a "brain fog" after I masterbated when I had refrained for 10 days without it. Found that instagram pictures of people and facebook pictures to have a clicking habit of looking at girls, but I stopped myself during. I think that habit will fade with time.

    Had a date last night, i was getting hard just being around her. When it came to sex though same old same old with me only getting 60% hard. I just got her off with my hands and had her do the same with me.

    I will continue my no P journey, which I am finding to be easy as with masterbation. BUT, im going to refrain from that to see if it improves my erections during sex.

    Notes:
    -increased random erections when refraining from P (even more when no masterbating)
    -keeping a busy schedule helps keep your mind off this. Isolation for longer periods seems to be a potential trigger
    -laying in bed looking at my phone in the morning I found I had a higher chance of masterbating after waking up
    -had the odd craving to watch specific extreme genre based P, but I just didnt give those thoughts energy, or entertain them very long
    -more erection activity with a real woman, and considerably more interest in them
    -still found sex to be a fairly hollow experience, but maybe thats just where I am in my personal life journey. We'll see if that changes in time.

    Ill keep posting updates on my journey throughout the year
     
  9. Aragorn36

    Aragorn36 Fapstronaut

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    One more thing to add to above notes:

    -This point might resonate with some and not with others. While i found this site to be a source of major inspiration, I found dwelling on here for too long to be an issue for me, and it began to infuse a more negative view of myself in my mind. Get off the internet and get out into the world! Build a new skill, dont wait for the effects of this to fix before you start living a happier life. I think part of this is process is to adopt a positive belief about who you want to become and move toward that as opposed to constantly seeing yourself as a wounded animal. Once you get the facts about your current P situation and the gist of what youre going through, dont dwell on your problems too much. Come on here to help others, and to further help yourself, but use this fantastic resource with respect and reverance. (Side note, I found looking at other peoples stories too much during my first 2 week stretch to be triggering as well)

    Again, my above point will make sense for some and not for others, all good!
     
  10. xjosamx

    xjosamx Fapstronaut

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    Welcome to one of the best communities in the world. Looking forward to watching your success story develop! Stay strong brother
     
    Aragorn36 likes this.
  11. Son of Arathorn be strong!!

    Man, I read your post and think that you should quit Mastubation too.
    You are increasing you interest in real life girls, and doing very well. Focus on that!
    Fuck imagination, fuck fantasies! You need real life interaction, man!
    I get it you are worry about your performance in bed (and actually your last sex were pretty much the same) but you handle ir well.
    Keep focus on it plus abandon M too, so you got nowhere to go and you fucking dick must join the battle if he fucking want some relief, got it?

    Another thing, what you say about the forum is totally right! I found myself looking for posts every day, to get some good info and like a distraction, but really it feel stupid. Its not my style.
    We should be more focused on our paths instead of constantly checking in with the community.

    Tge community is great but i think that can be a little trap.
    I am not a follower, i was born to lead
     
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  12. Aragorn36

    Aragorn36 Fapstronaut

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    Totally man, you make some great points. Dont want to be resigned to wacking off to imaginary ghosts for the rest of my life haha. I think I will refrain from masterbating as well. Thanks for the encouragement!
     
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  13. Dinta

    Dinta Fapstronaut

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    Very True man,
    Very well said too.

    Good luck on your reboot.

     
  14. CalixTOP

    CalixTOP Fapstronaut

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    Hey man,

    Are you still in nofap journey? My case has some stuff similar to yours, how you doing?
     
  15. I wonder how all the old users who no longer visit here are doing in life!
     
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  16. Renaissance Man

    Renaissance Man Fapstronaut

    First of all it's a appreciable thing that you identified this problem .
    Man , the thing is there are a lot of things to learn to quit this addiction, it requires a lot of patience . Many newcomers quit this platform in frustration because it starts getting hard .
    To begin , I just advice you to
    1. Be regular on this website and keep learning things .
    2. Talk to people (you'll learn a lot this way)

    Wishing you a positive life ahead :)
     
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  17. Renaissance Man

    Renaissance Man Fapstronaut

    That's what makes you special . you are the most supportive person here!
     
  18. theMotivator

    theMotivator Fapstronaut

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    If you're not going to do it, nobody is going to do it for you. :D
     
  19. Thank you sir! :) I try to follow the example people set for me when I was new here.
     

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