New goals in life

What's up Fapstronauts,

So I heard about this community on a show called Dave and Chuck the freak which plays on 101.1 WRIF in Detroit. Chuck always jokes about his small penis and knows every genre of porn. And they frequently talk about and warn against PIED and Chuck one time mentioned the "NoFap" community. So I thought I would give it a try.

So I was born in 1988. We got the internet in 1996 or 97. But the first material I had was a couple of magazines and some ripped off pages from. It was the classic story of someone in school finding a box of porn in the woods, literally what had happened. I must have been in about 5th grade.

So I'd heard the word masturbation even before that but I had no idea what it was or how it was done. There used to be the joke "Have you ever gotten caught masturbating in the closet?" and you'd say "no" and the little comedian would go "Oh so you've never been caught." But one night I was sitting with the magazine and my door locked, and I discovered how to do it and did my first PMO and when I reached the O I thought I had injured little Jim. But I figured out this was what was supposed to happen, and I cleaned up the mess with a bath towel (there was a considerable mess). That night I did it again before bed but there was less mess and it was nothing like the very first time. Started me down the path of chasing the high.

So the internet was a new and wondrous place and we had a computer in a spare bedroom of the house we called the office, and that was the only access to the internet I had. 56k dial up modem. And pretty soon when I was home alone I started spending a lot of time on the internet surfing for porn. And some people complain about pop up ads today, my friend you have no idea the menace of pop up ads. The only method to close them all was to hard boot your computer.

So I had no idea what an internet history was, so one day my dad comes home and says "Son I want to talk to you." and he goes "I don't know how you found the time to do this in an hour, but you visited 612 porn sites while we were gone." and I was embarrassed, then all he said was "But I'm glad you're not gay." And it was never really addressed after that, there was no porn blocker installed, and over the years there was really nothing stopping me from performing the act.

For a long time the only videos I could get was off Kazaa which was like Napster or later bearshare or LimeWire. This was after we got our very first cable modem. Streaming was a luxury you had to pay for. Then when I was 18 they finally started offering streaming websites.

Anyway, I had fooled around with a lot of girls in my teens, getting to third base and all, then when I was 17 this girl said she was going to come over while everyone was in school (because we both skipped a lot or were dropped from our classes) and we were gonna get down to it. She was supposed to come around 1 oclock. I was so excited that I opened some porn. And then I did it again. Then again. And before she arrived I had PMO'd 11 times. I counted. Then she came over, and there was a lack of foreplay, and I put a condom on, and I got it in there, then I lost it and couldn't keep it up. It was very embarrassing.

When I was 19 I got a girlfriend and the first time we did it was a Friday the 13th in 2007. Learning from my mistake, I went about 2 days without touching myself and and I wore a condom and everything was great. Pretty soon we were doing it every day but I was having delayed orgasm. I would just pound away until she would say she was getting sore, and then I would never finale. She took this personally and told me to think of whoever I wanted, or do anything I needed to get there, but I was still PMOing almost every day. When I would be waiting for her to come over after college I would get excited, PMO, and be unable to perform or get off. Then I was diagnosed with a mental illness and they started me on a medication which killed off what libido I had, and pretty soon I couldn't even keep it hard without porn. So we dated for about a year then she left.

The mental illness I was diagnosed with was pretty severe, and after she left I started drinking every day, never really got a job or a car, was a high school drop out with a GED, and I got a massive beer belly from beer and medication, and there was no women in my life except for girls I would talk to on the internet, never really hitting on them or anything. I always knew if I were to get with someone there would be problems.

So I drank any time I could afford it, and to excess, and I was PMOing multiple times a day for many many years. Zero motivation in life, was just gonna smoke and drink and try to die before my parents. Then I met this flirty French girl on World of Warcraft and we started talking on facebook messenger, and she was gorgeous and has a beautiful singing voice and records songs for youtube, and she told me she had a crush on me and said she wished I could come visit her. And I couldn't because I was broke. So that year I started looking into online colleges and was about to enroll in one, but I had quit taking my medication for about 6 months and ended up having a major breakdown that got me kicked out my parents house and spent a year in group homes.

So now I have an apartment for people who need assistance, and I'm going to college online to earn a computer science degree, but I am struggling because of my alcoholism, so I've joined AA and have been working the 12 step program, and it's been 23 days since my last drink now. The 12 step program has been an epiphany to me and I plan to use it in my recovery.

But my pretty French friend is one my best friends these days and we've been friends for about 4 years now it seems. She's going to college for psychology, I'm mentally ill, we get along great. She knows the kind of problems drinking causes for me and has begged me to get sober and has supported me every time I decided to quit. This is the longest I've gone without a drink in years. So yesterday she tells me that if I can stay sober long enough to earn my 1 year chip, she'll save up some money and fly over to come visit me. And so about an hour later I was reading the getting started guide for NoFap. And here I am.

I imagine it's gonna take about a year to reboot. I'm at the stage where I can spend an hour scrolling porn sites and not find anything I like. I do PMO though. But I don't do it every day anymore. I don't think I could.

Anyway, thanks for reading.

 

I deleted all my porn today. It's tough because I've done that in the past and then regretted it when I couldn't find the same videos again.