New guy here, help!

[Alijay]

Hi,
I have been struggling with PMO since my teen years. But in the last few years it is starting to take over my life. I even use escorts ocassionaly. My life is consumed by sex and I hate myself because of that. I am really sad and down, especially in the last 3 years. The real me is overtaken by this demon of lust and i cant seem to shake him off. Im 33, male, and professional. Can anyone give me some real advise or life coaching?
Thanks,
Jay

 

[chiyu]

First off, stop hating yourself, this is not helpful. You are a human being, and we all have challenges to deal with, so give yourself a break. Next, perhaps there is a way to take your sexual desire and integrate it into a more healthy balance with other parts of your life? Maybe you can spend more time on other diversions, such as playing sports, or reading books, or learning to cook, whatever interests you. Also maybe you can seek fuller relationships with women, i.e. not just physical, but emotional, intellectual, even spiritual connections? Just some ideas. Hang in there and be willing to make some changes and growth is possible.

 

[Alijay]

First off, stop hating yourself, this is not helpful. You are a human being, and we all have challenges to deal with, so give yourself a break. Next, perhaps there is a way to take your sexual desire and integrate it into a more healthy balance with other parts of your life? Maybe you can spend more time on other diversions, such as playing sports, or reading books, or learning to cook, whatever interests you. Also maybe you can seek fuller relationships with women, i.e. not just physical, but emotional, intellectual, even spiritual connections? Just some ideas. Hang in there and be willing to make some changes and growth is possible.

Thanks. What did you do to overcome or should I say handle the issue better? Did you deal with similar issues as me?

 

[chiyu]

Thanks. What did you do to overcome or should I say handle the issue better? Did you deal with similar issues as me?

I'm no expert, and I don't know if we have exactly the same issues, but I can say that for many years I abused PMO as a kind of escape from the disappointments in my life. Diving into P for me is an easy way to temporarily feel better about things, but over the long run it has made me feel alot worse. I am still struggling with this, which is why I'm here.

But I have learned that improvement can happen by abstaining from P and at the same time working on positive steps for myself. I can't tell you what that might be for you. But I would suggest you reflect on who is this "real me" you mentioned. What does he want out of life? What does he care about? What actions would help him grow into the person he wants to be?

 

[Alijay]

I'm no expert, and I don't know if we have exactly the same issues, but I can say that for many years I abused PMO as a kind of escape from the disappointments in my life. Diving into P for me is an easy way to temporarily feel better about things, but over the long run it has made me feel alot worse. I am still struggling with this, which is why I'm here.

But I have learned that improvement can happen by abstaining from P and at the same time working on positive steps for myself. I can't tell you what that might be for you. But I would suggest you reflect on who is this "real me" you mentioned. What does he want out of life? What does he care about? What actions would help him grow into the person he wants to be?

I agree. I am also doing it for temporary fix, to run away from my problems.

 

[furture doctore]

yap i know exactly what you mean... this is the reason why in the other post i said, right now i feel like I'm relearning how to be a normal again, everything is new, because, while i was PMO, like everything i do, i can manage to fuck it up, to fuck it up was not my intention nor my goal, I've tried so hard, but on some point, i feel like i lost myself, and fail... i didnt know how and why, even what did i do for the result... but now i feel like, when I'm doing something, i know how to do, and do exactly as i planned, even if i fail, i know in which part i did what and how to improve for next time... instead of i felt wake up when i fucked things up already and had no clue of what i was thinking... if you know what i mean.

stop hate and avoid to face yourself... here is story I've told many years ago, which changed my life even when i was PMOing.
one day i entered my roommate's room when i was gonna ask him some stuff, right after i entered, i found that he has a shelf, which contains many small things, including some old time toys and old wallets and many other things, they are old but was took care. i asked: why you still have these things? what are you gonna do with them?, he said, they are mine, they means a lot to me, i need to love and take care of them, because they are mine i have to love and take care of them, or who will?
on that day i learned, YOUR things, is YOURS, you have to take care of them or no one will. maybe a piece of coin, the moment you give a meaning to that coin, the coin means something to you.
YOU, yourself too! if you look around when you free, you will realise, everyone around you is doing something to make them feel good, look good, and live good, they are busy because they want to be happy, meaningful, for themselves! they are loving their inner and externally. if you look closely , those confident people, they are going to gym, to exercise, to feel good, feel healthy and look good! right?
hating yourself and blaming all the shit happened to yourself is not the solution, if your hair look bad, do some research and found a hair style for YOU, if your outfit doesn't make you feel good and comfortable, go and search whatever makes you look good and feel good.
find a time, give yourself a chance, seat down somewhere quiet, and talk to yourself, what actually YOU really want? just as the story above i mentioned, if you don't love YOU, no one well, confidence, dignity and all that glories, are not given, you have to find and create yourself. YOU have to find what is the highlight in your life, not what others tell you what you are worth.
if you are not building your dreams with your time, someone else will use your time to build theirs... if you don't wanna be the master of yourself, someone else will be the master of you, and you will be the slave.

its not easy to find what you want, who you want to be, and how you gonna achieve them. BUT once you start thinking, the snow ball starts rolling.

good luck and all the best brother. keep fighting.

 

[Alijay]

yap i know exactly what you mean... this is the reason why in the other post i said, right now i feel like I'm relearning how to be a normal again, everything is new, because, while i was PMO, like everything i do, i can manage to fuck it up, to fuck it up was not my intention nor my goal, I've tried so hard, but on some point, i feel like i lost myself, and fail... i didnt know how and why, even what did i do for the result... but now i feel like, when I'm doing something, i know how to do, and do exactly as i planned, even if i fail, i know in which part i did what and how to improve for next time... instead of i felt wake up when i fucked things up already and had no clue of what i was thinking... if you know what i mean.

stop hate and avoid to face yourself... here is story I've told many years ago, which changed my life even when i was PMOing.
one day i entered my roommate's room when i was gonna ask him some stuff, right after i entered, i found that he has a shelf, which contains many small things, including some old time toys and old wallets and many other things, they are old but was took care. i asked: why you still have these things? what are you gonna do with them?, he said, they are mine, they means a lot to me, i need to love and take care of them, because they are mine i have to love and take care of them, or who will?
on that day i learned, YOUR things, is YOURS, you have to take care of them or no one will. maybe a piece of coin, the moment you give a meaning to that coin, the coin means something to you.
YOU, yourself too! if you look around when you free, you will realise, everyone around you is doing something to make them feel good, look good, and live good, they are busy because they want to be happy, meaningful, for themselves! they are loving their inner and externally. if you look closely , those confident people, they are going to gym, to exercise, to feel good, feel healthy and look good! right?
hating yourself and blaming all the shit happened to yourself is not the solution, if your hair look bad, do some research and found a hair style for YOU, if your outfit doesn't make you feel good and comfortable, go and search whatever makes you look good and feel good.
find a time, give yourself a chance, seat down somewhere quiet, and talk to yourself, what actually YOU really want? just as the story above i mentioned, if you don't love YOU, no one well, confidence, dignity and all that glories, are not given, you have to find and create yourself. YOU have to find what is the highlight in your life, not what others tell you what you are worth.
if you are not building your dreams with your time, someone else will use your time to build theirs... if you don't wanna be the master of yourself, someone else will be the master of you, and you will be the slave.

its not easy to find what you want, who you want to be, and how you gonna achieve them. BUT once you start thinking, the snow ball starts rolling.

good luck and all the best brother. keep fighting.

Thanks for the motivation and support brother.

 

[Tryingto]

Can anyone give me some real advise

Hey @Alijay, welcome!

First things first: You are not alone in what you are going through and you have found your way to the right place. These forums - and the people and perspectives within them - can really help you work your way to a healthier and more sane way of living.

How does one do this, specifically? First off, settle in for the long haul. It took all of us a while to get here; it takes most of us a while to get out. And this while is marked by lots of ups and downs. So settle in, adjust your expectations, and then use whatever proves useful here.

I would suggest coming here daily, starting a journal, engaging some of the resources held and / or mentioned here. Through this, you'll begin to become more intimate with your situation. This, in turn, will help you develop a sense of what you can do and what you cannot do. In my experience, things will evolve from here...

Best of luck!