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New guy, married 45/m

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by mjtx, Oct 12, 2014.

  1. mjtx

    mjtx Fapstronaut

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    I thought I had posted something here, but it's not showing up, so I will try again.

    I just finished reading the "Your Brain On Porn" book last night, which I found through social media. It was a real eye-opener for me. I'm married and 45, and have a young son, but my sex life with my wife has been lacking for years. I've used that fact to justify my PMO behavior, but I've really started to question whether or not it was healthy.

    For one thing, I've been struggling with ED issues, and I've found myself looking at weirder and weirder stuff in order to get off. I thought I was just crazy until I read the YBOP book, and now it all makes sense.

    I might also add that I'm a recovering alcoholic, and a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. I absolutely KNOW that I have a problem with addictive behaviors. I have successfully quit nicotine and alcohol for nearly a year, so I'm no stranger with fighting my demons. I'm hoping that with the help of this site I can do the same for PMO.

    My goal is simply to eliminate all sexual activity that doesn't involve a living breathing female, that is to say my wife. I am keeping my goals simple. No PMO to beat my previous best of three days of no fapping, and once I pass that goal I'll set a harder goal like 30 days.

    It hasn't been even 24 hours and I'm already fighting the urge. This is a lot tougher than I expected.
     
  2. Gilbert

    Gilbert Fapstronaut

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    It is hard but it can be beat! Best of luck and welcome to the forums :)

    Can definitely relate to the needing more weird/hardcore stuff to get off to, to do with being desensitised or something ahah. If you want any info or links describing the unethical production of pornography, particularly the abuse that the actors face, then pop me a message and I'll send you some things I've found. It's quite motivating to the cause!
     
  3. mjtx

    mjtx Fapstronaut

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    Thanks, Gilbert...PM sent.
     
  4. mjtx

    mjtx Fapstronaut

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    I have some more time so I thought I'd elaborate on my story. It feels good to get it off my chest, because it's been a dirty secret I've carried for years.

    My first exposure to porn was when I was a kid, and like most men my age, that meant magazines. By the time I was a teenager, I had a fairly extensive stash of magazines that I had acquired. Porn didn't really cause problems then, because it was just static pictures of naked women, and I still had to use my imagination.

    By the time I was in my mid-twenties (around 1995) the Internet was starting to take off, and very early on I was looking at porn on Usenet. It was still primarily pictures back then, but it became a horrible habit. As the Internet got faster and faster, I began downloading more and more content, and more and more "sick" content that didn't fit with my value systems. By this time I had discovered adult bookstores and movies on VHS and DVD. They were expensive, though, and although I built up a good collection, it was NOTHING compared to what you can find on any tube site.

    Things slowed down a bit when I got married, and definitely slowed down more after I became a father. I would still PMO, but I was reduced to just once a week or so due to a lack of privacy. That didn't last, though, because smart phones soon became available, and I discovered that with Wi-Fi and a smartphone you can surf all the porn you want while sitting on the toilet.

    For the past five years or so, porn has been 99% of my sex life. My wife and I are seldom intimate, which is something we need to work on, but regardless, I'm tired of the emptiness of jerking it to porn. My wife has caught me a couple of times, and that has always been humiliating. Unlike the movies, she has never offered to "help me out" when she catches me. :p

    I've become increasingly disturbed by my ED. It's humiliating to have a willing naked woman right in front of you, and your equipment refuses to even twitch. I can get somewhat erect with a woman, but I have to work to stay that way. With PMO I have no issues at all, so I know it's because of the porn.

    Last night, after my last PMO, I deleted all of the porn off my phone. I had over 50 GB saved to a 64 GB SD card. I hope that things improve. My wife and child just left to go to the park, so I'm going to wrap this up and get off the computer because normally that would be a big trigger. (Alone time! Let's go PMO!)

    I'm grateful for this site. I don't know if I could do this all by myself.
     
    Last edited: Oct 12, 2014
  5. tomtom

    tomtom Fapstronaut

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    I'm about your age and my story has a lot of the same, except for the AA.

    I tried to stop my PMO habit multiple times but only when I found this site I've been able to have a longer break. Now, I have been able keep it up and finish in a reasonable time. Progress is possible.

    Good luck with your journey!
     
  6. vizsla

    vizsla Fapstronaut

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    hang in there, if you are beating alcohol, you can beat this
    use one success to build on another.

    i'm 43, and also am married, for 14.5 years.
    and have three kids, oldest, 12 y.o is a boy, so i worry even more now for him, in this high speed internet environment compared to the magazines with which we grew up. above all, i am thankful none of the kids have come across anything on a computer they shouldn't have. and now that i found nofap... they WON'T

    it IS definitely very liberating to be able to get some things off our chests, and talk about these things that have been troubling us for a while, but are difficult to talk about.

    i read the whole YBoP eBook as well.
    quite awesome, and encouraging.
    gives me a scientific explanation of how the horse got so far out of the barn.
    not an EXCUSE, but an EXPLANATION.

    i used to feel like i was just a piece of trash for PMOing to the point i couldn't get it up to get it into my wife. for 2 years or so 69 is all i can muster. and if i MO'd that morning, or even the night before... even that was a fail.

    now, right/wrong, healthy/unhealthy, i kinda feel like a victim of a system designed to devour people, and destroy families. that puts me in the role of underdog, and i love an underdog to upset the big guys.
    THIS TOTALLY STOKES MY FIRE TO BEAT THIS DISEASE.

    hang in there, healing will come.
    best wishes,
    jasper
    (displaced texan)
     
  7. mjtx

    mjtx Fapstronaut

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    Thanks, Jasper. Yeah, I'm actually sort of grateful for the alcoholism in a way, because I'm already familiar with addiction. I use the label "alcoholic" out of convenience, but in reality I'm just a dopamine junkie. If I moved to some place where marijuana was legal, I'm sure I'd pick up an addiction to that too, for instance.

    I can totally relate to the ED with the wife. Even when I could performed, I'd get off too quickly most of the time. I'm hoping that it's not too late to turn things around.

    Also, I totally agree about feeling stoked about beating this disease. I used to be very pro-pornography in my younger days, and I didn't want people telling me what I could do out of their puritanical religious beliefs. Now that I'm older, I "get it". There is nothing wholesome about porn. Perhaps the pin-up gals of the 1940s and 1950s were okay, but from what I've read the industry started getting really sleazy in the 1970s.

    Also, today I've been thinking a lot about porn actresses and what their parents must think. [NSFW]What father wants to see his little princess grow up to be involved in BD/SM anal gangbang?[/NSFW] Is that really something I want to support?

    Once I start thinking about the actors and actresses as real people with real emotions, and what a shitty job it must be, it definitely doesn't make me want to continue to support the industry. Of course I never thought that way until I saw the situation for what it really is, without all the glamour. It's ugly ugly ugly.
     
  8. abrex

    abrex Fapstronaut

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    MJTX - We are living parallel lives - I too am 45 - Live in Texas - Been PMO since I was 13 (magazines back then as well), Married and love my wife, but her sex drive is low. I too have found the weirder and weirder content is needed to satisfy my PMO as well. I have quit smoking after 8 years, but have never had an alcohol problem. I did just kick a diet soda habit (12/day at least) which was not easy. All things considered - PMO is the hardest thing I have ever tried to quit - 32 year habit isnt easy to quit.

    My goal is the same as yours - I only want sexual activity that includes my wife. I had a success last week - my wife who normally doesn't initiate sex did! - I had been PMO for about 10 days and was more attentive to her - I did have some ED issues, and didn't last as long as I wanted, but it was still great!

    I have traveled for work the past 6 years. I am usually away from home for 2 nights/week, and this along with the increased easy/free access to porn has increased my addiction exponentially. Every time I have quit an addiction I have used a tool of some form. When I quit smoking, I chewed gum like a nutcase. When I quit diet soda, I drank more water. I am quiting PMO, but until the last month I have not been succesful. I am now using a chastity device when I travel. My wife is very vanilla so she in not interested in controlling this - It is a self imposed restrictive device. I leave the key at home when I travel. I do not chew gum any more, and I do not believe I will need to use this devise long term, but for now it makes it very uncomfortable to look at porn as an errection is not an option wearing one of these things. I know some on this site think this is just another fetish, but I think it is no different than freezing you credit card in ice to stop using it.

    Sorry I have rambled on so much, but I am somewhat encouraged by your post - It seems that more of the 20-30 age range is on this site dealing with this - It is nice to hear from someone that is in a very similar situation as I.

    Good Luck - feel free to contact me if you need support - I feel writing in journals and on blogs definitely is a helpful replacement to avoid PMO.
     
  9. R00tm0nk

    R00tm0nk New Fapstronaut

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    Wow.. Just joined. Started yesterday.

    I'm so happy to read your goal & situation, since I too have now had some ED Issues since my wife and I started to have Sex again, now at 43.

    --> same goal: no fapping whatsoever: only sexual activity should happen with my wife.

    Good luck. Hope you do well and get al;l your goals.
     
  10. mjtx

    mjtx Fapstronaut

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    It's great to hear that I am not unique, abrex!

    I also chewed a BUNCH of gum when I quit nicotine. I hadn't really been a smoker for years, but was still very hooked on nicotine in the form of smokeless tobacco ("dipping") and nicotine gum when dipping wasn't appropriate.

    I think it helps to replace a bad habit with a more positive one. I am grateful that my porn addiction isn't worse. I know from past behavior that I would PMO/E for HOURS per day if I could.

    Regarding the chastity device, I would be concerned with it affecting normal unconscious erections, like when you're sleeping. I believe that some erections are normal and needed for penile health.

    Have you considered blocking software on your laptop? Also, blocking the adult movies in hotel rooms. Eventually you need to be able to trust yourself.

    Great to meet you, let's definitely keep in touch!
     
  11. abrex

    abrex Fapstronaut

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    I have set up Covenant Eyes on my electronic devices, but at one hotel I stay at I cannot block HBO/CINEMAX and it seems they always have something on late at night.

    Good point regarding penile health - I usually only utilize 3 days/week, so the other 4 days are normal. I do not plan to use this long term, just trying to break old routines. I don't chew gum much anymore, and still do not smoke. I guess I am using the same rationalization.
     
  12. mjtx

    mjtx Fapstronaut

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    Please don't take this the wrong way, but I think eventually you have to learn to resist on your own. Surely you don't plan to wear a chastity device the rest of your life!

    If you're having that tough of a time, have you considered a twelve step group like Sexaholics Anonymous? The AA program has worked well in helping me overcome my drinking, and I am using the same principles for my porn/masturbation addiction.

    You might look into it. I know that AA meetings are everywhere, and are very useful when I am traveling and feeling weak. The website for SA is http://www.sa.org/.
     
  13. abrex

    abrex Fapstronaut

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    MJTX - Thanks for the info - and you are correct. Been busy this week, and that helps - Hope you are doing well.
     
  14. mjtx

    mjtx Fapstronaut

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    So far so good! To be honest this is turning out to be easier than I thought, at least so far, but then again I haven't had much of a sex drive. I miss PMO in an abstract way, but I haven't felt that burning urge yet. I may change my opinion if/when my libido eventually returns.

    I definitely agree that being busy helps. I have a much easier time resisting PMO because I don't have many opportunities to indulge. In the past I would PMO in the bathroom using my smart phone, because that was the only way I could manage to still have some privacy. Now that I've quit, and told my wife, I don't have any opportunities unless I want to park somewhere and sit in my vehicle and MO. That's not really appealing.

    Keep in touch! Looks like you're getting close to your goal! I changed mine to be 30 days now that I got my 3 days.
     

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