New guy

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by Aquaguy, Jun 28, 2018.

  1. Aquaguy

    Aquaguy Fapstronaut

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    Hi folks. I'm a 27 year old Male, who's been using porn since I was 11ish. I found the woman I love most in the world at college about 6 years ago, and we tied the knot in 2016. I was honest with her about my struggle from the very beginning. In college I had been trying to use filter/accountability software, small group accountability, and other tactics, but none were able to unhook me from porn. I knew that when we got married it wouldn't be a panacea for my porn problems, but I still got complacent, subconsciously thinking that it would eventually work itself out. A couple of days ago my wife caught me using porn and it simply broke her up. She's been so gracious and forgiving, but I can't stand to be doing this to her anymore. She makes my world spin round with just a smile, and I want to be intimate with her in every possible way, which means I need to be able to honestly tell her I've quit porn for good. I'm feeling shame and guilt about this like I haven't felt in years, which I know can be unhealthy, but at least I'm feeling something about it, enough to motivate me now to put new structures into my life to finally beat porn.
    I'm rebooting with no porn, no masturbation (unless my wife is helping), but I can have sex with my wife. I also want to say no sexual fantasies about other people, but that seems pretty ambitious, so I'm not sure I should make it a part of the reboot. I'd love some thoughts about that. Today is day 0 for me; day 1 starts tomorrow.

    Thanks so much for any help. :)

    Aquaguy
     
  2. Aquaguy

    Aquaguy Fapstronaut

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    ¡Hola! ¿qué tal?
     
  3. Nadamotain

    Nadamotain Fapstronaut

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    Alcoholics quite often say, "yeh, I'll lay off the Jack Daniels but beer doesn't bother me." A week later back in jail with a dui. The brain wants alcohol. Period. Read the info here on how the brain acts on porn. Abstinence from everything for a while is what Im doing. My wife is with me on this because we love each other. I'm doing no PMO for 90 days. If you relapse with porn you might consider the alternative, 30,60, or 90 days no PMO.
     
  4. Aquaguy

    Aquaguy Fapstronaut

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    I totally get what you're saying and appreciate the advice, but I think for now I'll stick with no PM, because I want to associate the act of sex with my wife only. We've been having trouble with penetration, because she has vaginismus, so we're trying to form a sex positive situation in our marriage in the hope that that will solve some of the mental issues surrounding sex for her. Of course I'm sure my porn use is just wonderful for her feelings about sex. :(
     
  5. Hi. Welcome to forum!

    Make sure you create a personal journal thread in Reboot Logs section and blog there on a regular basis. As well as just generally be active participant in various forum discussions. I recommend this to everybody new here because it's the major thing that helped me when I was first starting. Just lurking on forums, reading and learning is great. But it usually is so much more powerful to engage. It helps to keep us motivated and accountable when we are active part of community. And keeps this in front of our minds so we don't forget about importance of it and slip away in our old habits. Sharing is also therapeutic. This is a major reason why AA meetings work so good. But that was developed before internet era. These days we can get most of the same benefits online through communities like this. So don't underestimate the power of active participation.

    I would also like to suggest you to look into mindfulness meditation. It has helped me personally tremendously to learn how to deal with urges and triggers. It takes a while to get good at it and notice results, so you need to be consistent with it, but once you do it's very powerful. It has been used by sages for thousands of years to deal with various issues of the mind. And in recent decades the science is also catching up to what ancient sages have know for centuries. Meditation these days are widely used as very effective tool by psychologists for treating addiction and by neurologists for supporting recovery of the brain after physical injury. Plus it is generally a great exercise for the brain the same way as jogging is great exercise for the body.

    You gotta make sure it is proper mindfulness meditation though. "Mindfulness" meditation where we just focus on breath is more like a concentration meditation instead. It works too but differently and not as powerfully in my experience. Real mindfulness meditation however trains you to accept your urges by understanding the nature of them by observing them, not just suppress them by concentrating on something else instead. It makes you comfortable with them. And once you accept and become comfortable with them there is no need to get rid of them, so there is no need to PMO. Only reason why we PMO is because that urge, that itch in our crotch is uncomfortable, we wanna get rid of it. And then after PMO we have our release. Or we simply want pleasure. And inability to have that pleasure makes us uncomfortable. But if we accept that we can not have pleasure then resistance is gone and there is no reason to PMO.

    Acceptance and mindfulness is the key. Check out this Ted talk on acceptance and mindfulness practice, it gives a good idea of what's it's about when it comes to philosophy. The mindfulness practice as described by psychologist in a the video can be used by itself but ideally should be used as supplementation to your daily sitting meditation. Sitting meditation I personally practice and recommend to people is as explained by meditation expert in this YouTube playlist. If you don't like the monk or want other method there is this awesome smartphone app called Headspace for guided meditations.

    Wish you lot's of strength and success in your reboot journey!
     
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  6. Aquaguy

    Aquaguy Fapstronaut

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    Headspace is really fantastic!
     
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