New here, 40 years old married guy

Hi there,

Well, lots of things to say, I will try to write them down here, not sure in which order.

So, I'm 40, married, with children, and a beautiful wife I've been with for 15 years (and she was the one who took my virginity).
Been fapping on porn for 20 years I think maybe a bit more (it was more difficult to find fap material earlier with RTC Internet connection). It became a problem a few years ago I think, or maybe I only realized it a few years ago, but a few days ago I had a shocking experience that lead me to decide to stop this, and that's why I signed up here.

Been fapping mostly on porn websites, 4chan (/b/, then /gif/), and a swinger dating website. As time passed, been more interested in threesome, DP, gangbang videos, because I felt less aroused by "normal" porn videos.

With my wife, who is bisexual and had a lot of experiences before she met me (good ones, and very bad ones unfortunately), we always talked a lot about sex. We fantasized many years about having a threesome with another girl, and finally we ended "accidentally" having sex with a couple of friends a few years ago (then repeated it).
We liked this experience, and subscribed to a swinger dating website, and also went to a swinger nightclub. Unfortunately, in now almost 3 years, we have only been able to meet 2-3 couples using the site, an go to the club 4 times, due to the Covid lock-downs, health issues, and normal work/family life leaving us not as much time as we would have desired.
This is very frustrating to me, because as I said previously, I lost my virginity with my now-wife, and had close to zero experience before with women/sex : computer geek here, insecure, shy, and therefore had only the same kind of guys as friends and in college, and very few opportunities to meet women (and the very few I met that were obviously interested in me, I was so shy/insecure I managed to fuck up and remained single).
My wife knows all of this, and thinks it's normal for me to want to have other sex experiences with other women than her, and is really enthusiastic with the idea of me having sex with other girls, so she's motivated to continue going out with swingers people.

Sex inside our couple has not been something without trouble, since the beginning : she has been abused before I met her, and it took many years for her to be able to have a normal sex relationship with me, she also had a lot of health problems, and therefore we're now used not to have sex often, maybe less than once a month, sometimes several months without sex. This may seem contradictory with the fact that we are always talking about sex and want to do it all the time, about our desire to go out to swinger parties, but in our day-to-day life, either she's too tired, or me, or we have too little time.

As I feel I always crave for sex, but I have very few with my wife, and very few opportunities to go to swinger parties, most of my sexual life is provided by watching porn and fapping.
In the last few years, I started to notice troubles that I know are related to this porn/fap addiction :
- insensitive penis, irritated skin
- death grip
- I'm thinking of porn while I'm having sex with my wife to stay hard, because just thinking of fucking her isn't enough to keep me aroused
- hard to reach orgasm, and often the intercourse ends without reaching orgasm

All of this is enough to realize it's a consequence of porn/fap addiction, and that is was already having a very bad effect in my real sex life, and that I should reboot immediately. But last week-end I had the "too-much" experience that shocked me and gave the kick in the ass to actually do this reboot.

We were invited to our first private swinger party (till now we only met couples one at a time, at home or in clubs). We were 7-8 couples, all of them attractive, and I had really high hopes of having a nice time (plus didn't had sex with my wife for a month, for health reasons).
Other couples were much more experienced than us in this kind of parties, and we somehow had the feeling we missed the train very quickly, as there was a lot of sex happening here and there, but we hadn't scored any couple at 2:00AM. That's a consequence of me still not being cured of my shyness, and I started having a looser feeling (maybe not related to porn/fap, but an unpleasant feeling).
Later in the party, a guy from a couple had the first step with my wife (while his wife was already having sex with another guy), and we all three went to the "sex zone", and we started having a threesome. The guy was already hard, whereas I was struggling to have an erection, and I felt at this moment thing were going to turn bad. To my great pleasure, the other wife joined us and took care of me while her husband and my wife were having sex. She was very good and experienced, and through oral sex and fapping I finally manage to have a hard-on, put a condom and start to fuck her.. and quickly became flaccid again. She was beautiful, I felt desire for her, but realized my dick was so insensitive that a normal intercourse had no effect to me, and I could maintain a hard-on only by fapping on porn. She was very kind to me, said that we are not robots and things like that happen, but as I know the reason why it didn't work, I felt very guilty, ashamed, and frustrated.

I feel my porn/fap addiction is wasting what could be the sex life most guys are dreaming of : having a hot wife, who is also ok with me having sex with other girls, and yet I became so insensitive that I can't feel any pleasure with my dick and miss opportunities.

Read a lot of things on this forum/website, about PIED, DE, and also psychological effects that I thought were only related to me being tired, but I think now there might be a strong link with my addiction.

I want to reboot, I want to live this dream life that I already have but is cut from me by this stupid addiction.

I plan to stop fapping and stop porn websites (so normal mode).
One difficulty is I really want to keep using our swinger dating website, although I know it can threaten my ability to succeed, but my goal is to use it only to organize meet-up with other couples, and no longer fap while watching profiles, as I used to also do (there are a lot of photos, videos and even live streams).

Haven't told my wife about this addiction and nofap, she thinks I just felt uncomfortable with having sex with another girl than her, but I now this is not the reason, as this was working before the covid era.

 

Indeed, this is a very upsetting situation, and I'm really motivated to do whatever I can not to live this again.

I can't promise I will have a lot of time to answer (very busy life), but if you have any questions, feel free to contact me.

That's something I have on my mind if the issue occurs again, but firstly I want to see if stopping PMO is enough to get rid of this issue.

 

Thanks for your feedback @Psalm27:1my light, that's approximately the delay I had in mind after reading about PIED (a few months).