New here and could really use some help!

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by tyrone.11235, Apr 10, 2020.

  1. tyrone.11235

    tyrone.11235 Fapstronaut

    Hi all,

    I’ve just recently discovered this wonderful community and I’m looking out for some advice or insights as to how I tackle my specific issue.

    I’m 32 years old and have been addicted to porn since I was 17.

    Last 2 years I’ve developed a pretty serious case of PIED which has been getting worse with time. I was always living in denial and thought that I could stop whenever I wanted to.

    My wife has no idea what I’m going through and i can’t open up to her because she would blame herself completely and it would devastate her.

    She’s baby crazy right now and really wants to start a family but for the life of me I’m not able to maintain an erection.

    I went to a doc and he prescribed Tadalafil. However, I know that the problem has a much more deep rooted cause because now that I have decided to try and reboot i have come to realise the extent of my addiction.

    I lasted 2.5 days and then immediately relapsed today. Now I feel guilty as I am letting my wife down and I don’t know how to remedy this situation.

    I have started working out daily and I have a pretty healthy diet. But I don’t know how to beat this addiction.

    The more I try and avoid PMO the stronger the urge.

    What I would like to ask the community is, should I use the Tadalafil till my wife gets pregnant and then start a hard reboot?

    Or should I do a 30 day reboot and then maybe use Tadalafil if needed to help my wife conceive?

    I’m not sure how if I can convince my wife to wait for for 90-100 days cause I've been giving her excuses for almost 3-4 months now and she will go in to a deep depression and that’s the last thing I want as I already feel miserable enough.

    Your advice would be much appreciated.
  2. Hello, welcome to the community, best of luck on your journey :)
    The Free Bird and Coffee Candy like this.
  3. Hello brother no need to stress turn your mind n focus some other things you will succeed in everything be patient for that
    The Free Bird and | Nico | like this.
  4. Gumnaam841

    Gumnaam841 Fapstronaut

    We are with u my friend.
    Just be aware of ur urges and cravings.
    The Free Bird and | Nico | like this.
  5. Wolfgirl

    Wolfgirl Fapstronaut

    You’ve Made a good decision to come to the forums. Unfortunately I feel that the choice is yours whether or not you do the reboot and then try to get her pregnant or do it before. I’d like to ask, are you planning on doing a hard mode reboot either way? Because I know for some it is easier if they still have sex in order to reprogram their brain to crave sex instead of porn. Consider whether or not you want to bring a child into the world while you are still fighting this addiction, or if you want to tell your wife and wait as you begin your reboot (these aren’t the only two options).

    My SO is fighting to end his addiction and I believe that his confession to me was a key factor in helping him begin to fight his addiction harder than he thought he could. I think that if you think she won’t be too hurt, telling her might be a great idea. She will hopefully understand and support you in your journey. However if she does spiral downward into depression, she could also explore the forums to find inspiration, and there are forums and support groups dedicated to the SOs of addicts who are trying to reboot.

    I can’t tell you how your wife will react, but I can tell you that for me, I love my SO and wanted to support him through his journey. As the SO of an addict, I can tell you it’s very hard for us. We want to support you the best we can, but often feel as though it’s our fault, we’re not good enough, or we don’t satisfy you. So you would have to be prepared to reassure her constantly. We often have many self confidence issues and low self esteem, yet we try to help.

    I also know that this is a long process so you will be battling for a long time. There is no guarantee when you will be free, but you should expect a long time. So no matter what you choose, make sure to take into account that it will take a long time to reboot.

    The beginning is hard, but don’t be discouraged. Things get easier with time, the urges lessen or cease to exist, and the will and motivation to stop prevents relapses more often. Don’t be discouraged by relapses, instead challenge yourself to go longer. Remind yourself why you want to quit and all the negatives of PMO. I can’t speak for everyone but knowing your SO is rooting for you and believing in you can be helpful and inspiring from my observations. Get familiar with the forums and use them as frequently as you need. One of the most important things in my opinion is believing in yourself. I believe in you, so you should too. Everyone here is rooting for you. Good luck! You got this!

    If you want, you should post on this thread what you choose to do, especially if you need support after you make your decision.
    Last edited: Apr 11, 2020
    The Free Bird and | Nico | like this.
  6. GloryIsAllMine

    GloryIsAllMine Fapstronaut

    PIED is the protection mechanism of your body. Since you must have abused your manhood, by inducing PIED, your body is sending you the message," Please stop doing this and give me some time so that I can heal myself."

    I think that such medications can't solve the root issue, as you understand. Also, at this time, your ejaculation force (the force behind your sperm) and sperm count may not be very optimal.

    As a man, you should offer your healthiest vitality to your future offspring.

    Doing a reboot is best for yourself as well as your future child.

    Explain to your partner that you would like to conserve your vitality for some good time so as to give your healthiest vitality. She should be able to understand. If you can do serious rebooting for at least 30 days and lay good focus on the health cultivation, I don't think you would even need to use any medication.

    Being honest to your partner would be a pretty tough brother but this can open a new door to your recovery.

    If you are serious about rebooting, I can share some good book in the field of sexuality to help you. Knowledge is power and without knowledge, you won't easily succeed.

    All the best.
    The Free Bird and | Nico | like this.
  7. Stag99

    Stag99 Fapstronaut
    NoFap Defender

    I strongly recommend reading up on pmo addiction.
    There are many excellent books on the subject already,
    and they help explain why you fell into addiction (a very important step to healing),
    how the addiction works in your brain, as well as strategies for treatment.
    “Your Brain on Porn” by gary wilson,
    “No more mr nice guy” by robert glover
    And “The Porn Trap” by wendy maltz
    Are all excellent resources.
    Good luck !
    The Free Bird and | Nico | like this.
  8. tyrone.11235

    tyrone.11235 Fapstronaut

    @Wolfgirl Thank you for your support. This forum & community has been a revelation and I’m so glad I’ve decided to be a part of it.

    I really appreciate your point of view as the SO of someone facing similar issues.

    I would like to discuss the issue with my wife openly but she doesn’t consume porn at all so my worry is that she won’t understand and would end up blaming herself. The lack of kids has already made her quite emotional so I’m so worried about making her feel worse.

    Joining this forum has made me more determined than ever before.

    As a first step I have told my wife about a 30 day hard reboot that I have started to help with my physical issues and while she was a bit sad she understood that it was something I needed to do.

    Thanks again for all your support.
    The Free Bird and | Nico | like this.
  9. tyrone.11235

    tyrone.11235 Fapstronaut


    @GloryIsAllMine Thanks for your advice. I am dead serious about undertaking a hard reboot.
    As you rightly mentioned even I would like to start a family in the most healthy and natural away without the use of chemical substances.

    Which is why I have openly told my wife that I have started a 30 day hard reboot.

    I’m taking baby steps with how I open up to my partner because right now babies are the only thing she can think about and I want to be as gentle with her as possible.

    I am very serious about rebooting so any books/material you can share would be most appreciated.
    The Free Bird and | Nico | like this.
  10. tyrone.11235

    tyrone.11235 Fapstronaut

    Thank you for the suggested reading material. Going to get these on my kindle right away. Cheers!
    The Free Bird, | Nico | and Stag99 like this.
  11. GloryIsAllMine

    GloryIsAllMine Fapstronaut

  12. James2James

    James2James Fapstronaut

    Be aware that there is also a TON of good info on YouTube. Gary Wilson does a wonderful TedTalk on "Your Brain on Porn" on YT. Easy to find. It's a must see.

    The YT channel "Universal Man" is also excellent. He has very good advice. Subscribe to his newsletter. There are others. The research you do will definitely empower you. These YouTube channels helped me tremendously when I started my journey 2 weeks back.

    There is also a Allen Carr's Easy Way to Stop Smoking called "The Allen Carr's Easy Way to Stop Smoking Way to Stop Pornography" that some people here swear by. It's definitely something to look at and maybe consider. I've used these kinds of tools before to break addiction (smoking) and I feel they have a lot of merit.

    Above all..remember: If you relapse, get back up and keep going. Don't quit. Two days is better than NO days. Small victories end in BIG triumphs. This addiction is a very important issue that will dog you til the end, so best to deal with it NOW and end it. This site is an excellent place for ideas, planning, and support. Use it. Carr's Easy Way to Stop Smoking-easy-peasy.268160/ -- this is the thread that talks about the Allen Carr's Easy Way to Stop Smoking. It's an inspiring read.
  13. Wolfgirl

    Wolfgirl Fapstronaut

    I can understand that. I am not a porn user either, although I did watch a little to try to better understand my SO, which was a mistake. I’m glad you told her you were trying the 30 day reboot. I believe that is a step in the right direction. Good luck!
  14. tyrone.11235

    tyrone.11235 Fapstronaut


    Thank you for sharing the Allen Carr's Easy Way to Stop Smoking. I've started reading it and found it quite helpful. Today is day 2 and it hasn't been easy. Lot of urges and porn flashbacks as they call it. The book is helping me control the urges. Cheers!
  15. James2James

    James2James Fapstronaut

    If you are reading the book, REMEMBER:

    You MUST follow the book's instructions to the letter. Believe in what you are reading. If you start to let, "Aaaah, this sounds like bullshit" creep into your head, you're not letting the words facilitate the changes needed in your head. This is a type of "re-wiring" that does work in a lot of people. And focus. Read the book with an open mind, focus on what it tells you, and believe in what it tells you.

    The book is a tool. Just one tool in the journey.

    Just a FYI, I used Allen Clark's book back in 2007 to quit smoking. The porn Allen Carr's Easy Way to Stop Smoking is based right off of Clark's quit smoking book from what I've heard - porn instead of nicotine. I read Clark's book with an absolute open mind and a total belief that it would work for me. I did EXACTLY what the book said.

    I haven't smoked since the day I finished the book. Not once. Does this sort of thing work?

    The brain is a VERY interesting thing.
    The Free Bird and tyrone.11235 like this.
  16. tyrone.11235

    tyrone.11235 Fapstronaut

    Thank you for the advice. It's the start of day 3 for me right now and i am really close to relapsing so i logged in to try and distract myself. Didn't read the book yesterday but i'm going to start again now. My brain definitely needs some re-wiring!
    The Free Bird likes this.
  17. The Free Bird

    The Free Bird Fapstronaut

    Hi, welcome to the community

    I would recommend you to stay in touch with members and read their success stories. You may also learn tricks to avoid the short-term pleasure and to face the temptations.

    Be AWARE of your habits and control what you see and what/who you spend your time with.

    It's also important to limit the usage of social media. In addition, never be free! Use your free time as much as possible and do sports, exercise, attend classes, etc.

    This video contains everything that you need to know about porn addiction. Lastly, here is a collection of ways to deal with the urges which worked great for me.

    ֍ You got this my friend ֍
    tyrone.11235 and Coffee Candy like this.
  18. Hello!
    Welcome to the forums... :)
    Coffee Candy likes this.
  19. Hey, welcome to the NoFap community
    : )
    It's nice to see you here fighting the good fight alongside us!
    First let me go ahead and drop some helpful links for you:

    Getting Started Guide / Forum Rules / How to Use the NoFap forums/ Glossary/ NoFap Panic button /
    Set up your day counter /
    Rebooting Resources/
    Accountability groups (new!) /
    About NoFap/ Support Nofap
    Here is just some advice:

    First and foremost please take a careful look at each section in the forum, there may be something(s) you will find to be of big help to you.
    Secondly I advise you to be active on your profile(as there a few active people in the profile section). Please start by choosing an avatar and then begin posting frequent status posts to show you're active and needing support/encouragement.
    The forum has got a neat little feature that shows freshly posted statuses for all users to see.
    People will find your profile and give you support.

    There’s a portion of people who love communicating in the profile section..(it should be and is )mostly spportive talk but it doesn't hurt to deviate from supportive conversations. It would be great to have you join in and become part of the team!
    We support others in the threads, profile posts, and journals/reboot logs.
    Once you receive some support, please be sure and be grateful to the member for the help/support you received and consider giving some in return to anyone you wish.

    Thirdly, you should highly consider creating a public journal/reboot log (in the appropriate section for you) to write about your days in depth for us members to follow along on your journey and offer support to you on.

    Please start your journal in the correct section and with that, also try your best to post in the correct sections as it is mandatory and would be helpful to the mods who organize the forum. : )

    Last but not least: Good luck on your journey here, make sure to really give it a try with all your heart!
  20. kropo82

    kropo82 Fapstronaut

    It sounds like you've made a decision on this.

    The advice normally given by SOs is that you should tell her. But if she's emotionally raw at the moment it makes sense to wait.

    One thing that may help her is that your 30 Day reboot won't just work on erectile issues, it'll also ...
    make you shoot a bigger load. I ejaculate with much more power now that I'm not masturbating all the time.
    That should (I imagine) improve her chances of falling pregnant. So your 30 Day reboot could be seen as a useful part of the let's-get-pregnant plan.

    Me too! I tried to give up porn for six years before finding this site. I had some successes (even one 22 month streak) but I always caved in and fell back into heavy porn use. Then in October 2016 I found these forums and have not looked at porn since. It is hard work but the community here makes all the difference. You've got this.
    tyrone.11235 likes this.

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