New Here and New Hurt

karow · Aug 4, 2018

Hello, I have been married to my husband for 13 years. I have known he has had a significant interest in porn since day 1; however I ignored how it impacted our relationship over and over again. Yesterday I found a message on a forum my husband was using in which he was contacting someone and sending photos. I had been "okay" with him looking at porn, but had told him communicating with someone was not something I was okay with. Yesterday, my heart absolutely broke. I felt devastated. We have a wonderful marriage (outside the porn use), two great children, and a life together that I am proud of. Knowing he communicated with someone devastated me.

My husband has interest in significant kinks that I am not interested in. I thought if I "allowed" him to look at these kinks it was my way of allowing him to be himself, yet we could have a healthy sexual relationship that I was comfortable with. Knowing he was seeking someone to share these interest with shattered my life. I was beside myself and looking into divorce.

I had an all-out meltdown in front of my husband and my husband broke down saying he will do anything. I had decided to make the weekend as "normal" as possible so that our children didn't suspect anything (our oldest daughter was leaving for camp on Sunday and my younger son wouldn't understand). I told him I wanted to separate. That evening I saw my husband with our children. We had our first family meal without devices in a long time. My husband made plans with my son. He showed interest in our children. I saw a side of him that I hadn't seen in a while. I decided I needed to try to keep this marriage together. This is our first step. My husband also created an account. He needs support and someone to talk to. I am hoping he can find help here.

I also feel very much alone. I don't want to tell my friends because I don't want them to think negatively of them. And to be honest, I am a little embarrassed that I am willing to attempt to forgive him. I haven't forgiven him and I cannot forget what he did, but I am willing to attempt to move forward.

Jason_Tesla_19 · Aug 4, 2018

Hello and welcome! Sorry you had to go through this. There are plenty of SO's here you can connect with for support who have similar stories. Your husband should probably start a journal on here, join a challenge, and find an accountability partner. Hope you can find healing, and you two can save your marriage.

Deleted Account · Aug 5, 2018

karow said: ↑

Hello, I have been married to my husband for 13 years. I have known he has had a significant interest in porn since day 1; however I ignored how it impacted our relationship over and over again. Yesterday I found a message on a forum my husband was using in which he was contacting someone and sending photos. I had been "okay" with him looking at porn, but had told him communicating with someone was not something I was okay with. Yesterday, my heart absolutely broke. I felt devastated. We have a wonderful marriage (outside the porn use), two great children, and a life together that I am proud of. Knowing he communicated with someone devastated me.

My husband has interest in significant kinks that I am not interested in. I thought if I "allowed" him to look at these kinks it was my way of allowing him to be himself, yet we could have a healthy sexual relationship that I was comfortable with. Knowing he was seeking someone to share these interest with shattered my life. I was beside myself and looking into divorce.

I had an all-out meltdown in front of my husband and my husband broke down saying he will do anything. I had decided to make the weekend as "normal" as possible so that our children didn't suspect anything (our oldest daughter was leaving for camp on Sunday and my younger son wouldn't understand). I told him I wanted to separate. That evening I saw my husband with our children. We had our first family meal without devices in a long time. My husband made plans with my son. He showed interest in our children. I saw a side of him that I hadn't seen in a while. I decided I needed to try to keep this marriage together. This is our first step. My husband also created an account. He needs support and someone to talk to. I am hoping he can find help here.

I also feel very much alone. I don't want to tell my friends because I don't want them to think negatively of them. And to be honest, I am a little embarrassed that I am willing to attempt to forgive him. I haven't forgiven him and I cannot forget what he did, but I am willing to attempt to move forward.
Click to expand...

@Kenzi
She can help

Deleted Account · Aug 5, 2018

I understand exactly what you’re going through. wish you the best of luck. I have no advice because I’m right in the middle of my
Situation as well.

Kenzi · Aug 5, 2018

Welcome and don't feel so down.
How could you have known?
You simply couldn't.

Him putting his phone away for... A day.. was a good effort... Is he doing more than reading?
Has he started a journal?
Is he asking questions?
Forming a reboot plan?
Has he started outside therapy or group?
What are you doing for self care?

Sorry for the questions, I know... It's alot.
This whole thing... It can be overwhelming.
The important thing to remember is that it's not a "challenge"
It's a lifestyle change.

If you feel like he is forgivable, than only you can judge that.
I am here if you want to talk or have any questions.
I have some resources in my signature..
I hope you are feeling better today.
-Kenzi

karow · Aug 5, 2018

Kenzi said: ↑

Welcome and don't feel so down.
How could you have known?
You simply couldn't.

Him putting his phone away for... A day.. was a good effort... Is he doing more than reading?
Has he started a journal?
Is he asking questions?
Forming a reboot plan?
Has he started outside therapy or group?
What are you doing for self care?

Thank you so much for responding. I am going to share these with my husband as steps to take. I think we are just a bit overwhelmed as to where to start.

Self care- we are setting up or workout equipment and plan to start working out together in the morning as that is a trigger time for my hubby. We both need to lose weight and get healthy. I like to read when on the elliptical so I plan to do that. I also created as crafting space that I am working on organizing. I plan to get friends together monthly to craft.

I am going to contact our insurance on Monday to look into counseling. I have some significant self esteem issues to work on and need to rebuild trust. We are looking into joint and individual counseling sessions.

At this time, my husband is following me on here, but I am not following him. I am not sure what is best... I want him to have the ability to pay freely without me interjecting. In the past he wouldn't open up to me about things as he didn't want to hurt my feelings. I want him to be able to have the support and when he is ready. I will join in that. I found a group for couples that I thought we could join together, but was thinking I wouldn't follow his journal. Anyone have thoughts on that?
Thanks to everyone who had shown their support already.
Click to expand...

Kenzi · Aug 5, 2018

Me and my SO do not read each others journals.. We have found it hinders our progress.
Although
Other couples like Jag and Wade do read each others, and do just fine... So it's about what works for you.

Queen_Of_Hearts_13 · Aug 5, 2018

I am so sorry you're going through this. as Kenzi said, this will be a lifestyle change. Recovery is a mindset, it's a lifestyle, it's not a 90-day reboot as some addicts on here think.

In the next week make sure you are taking care of yourself, whatever that means to you. Whether that is cuddling on the couch with a blanket and a good book with coffee/tea, or watching a movie in bed, or taking a relaxing bath, just do what You need to do to keep moving forward.

In regards to your husband, hopefully he will be journaling on here, having all devices accountable with either filters or accountability software (like ever accountable), and will be looking into finding CMAT or CSAT therapists in your area, and will be buying/reading books on porn addiction and recovery.

In my signature there are two threads, one on resources I've created, another on boundaries that Kenzi created. Those threads hopefully will help you during this tumultuous time.

TryingHard2Change · Aug 5, 2018

AnonymousAnnaXOXO said: ↑

Recovery is a mindset, it's a lifestyle, it's not a 90-day reboot as some addicts on here think.
Click to expand...

Yes...THIS!!!

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