New here. Anxiety ensues

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by Jay2015, Dec 13, 2014.

  1. Jay2015

    Jay2015 New Fapstronaut

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    Hi fapstronauts,

    I've never ever posted anything online about my private life before and I have to admit that I feel anxiety coming up. I'm two weeks in the challenge and I've been thinking about writing here all along.

    I am 28 years old, i've been using pornography for almost the third of my entire life. To put it straight, now that I have vowed to stop all activity and to change my life, I feel lost...

    Lost because of the fact that all my life, I've been hiding behind pornography instead of facing my problems and basically, myself. I've been porn free for 2 weeks now. I've also decided to stop masturbation and sex for a while, just so I can bonify from putting sex and desire in the background.

    I'm also in a three year long relationship with the most incredible person i've ever had the chance to encounter. She is exceptional in every way, and everytime I succomb to these filthy ways, I hate myself for not being good enough for her.

    I can't make sexual connections with people anymore. It feels like it's never enough and that pornography is the only way to get things going. I hate it and I hate myself for being that way. I've been so desensitized by pornography that I don't even comprehend my own sexual urges. There is this constant anxiety of being attracted to men, although i've always identified as heterosexual and have always been attracted physically and psychologically to women. It's like pornography has deteriorated a great part of my brain and resulted in making it into this incomprehensible pandora box of a dark and filthy beast.

    I have constant anxiety, I can't connect with people anymore, I sexualize every remotely attractive woman I see, I have constant urges to cheat, I am chronically depressed.

    Although, I must admit that, being two weeks in, I can already feel some slight changes. To begin with, the urges are easier to control, which is strange since I can feel the pressure to urge into satisfaction, but I can resist (up until now). Still, it's always worst to think about it since it becomes this vicious circle where thinking about it makes you think about it more and so on. Up until now, the best trick that I've found to make it weaker is by staying busy.

    That's what it all comes to, staying busy and keep on fighting. It's also what's making everything harder. I don't know if you'll agree with me on this one, but it's so easy to just let go, to just stop fighting and adhere to the urges and desires. Fighting is so much harder. Life is harder, I just hope it's going to make things better in the end.

    All I try to focus on now is to take it on a daily basis by congratulating myself at the end of every day. It's quite difficult to not think about how things will be in six months, or a year. For now, I don't know how long i'm going to endure in this adventure. One thing for certain is, I'm never watching porn again.

    Thanks for reading.

    Jo
     
    Last edited: Dec 13, 2014
  2. malemedusa

    malemedusa Fapstronaut

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    Welcome, you're definitely in the right place. We're all here for the same exact reason, to buck the beast called porn for good and then move on with our lives. All of us guys have been blinded by the shimmering glitter of porn, and now we see porn for what it truly is. Lust is a bottomless pit. No matter how much you through into it, it just keeps demanding more and more and more. Once again, welcome aboard brother.
     

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