New here. BF lying about porn addiction.

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Lemony, Jun 26, 2019.

  1. Lemony

    Lemony Fapstronaut

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    I suspected my partner had a porn addiction but couldn't be sure. About 3 months ago I saw it in our computer history. He wasn't just watching porn now and again, it was every day, often multiple times a day, lots and lots of sites. I asked him if he watched much porn, and he lied and said no. What really hurt was the lie, more than watching porn itself, although the fact he was watching it so much hurt more than I thought it would.

    It's only when I confront him that he admits it and that he has a problem. He says he'll stop, and I say I'll support him, but not to lie to me again.

    Fast forward two months and I ask how he's getting on. I say he can talk to me. He says it's hard, but that he's not watched any. Something about how he replied made me suspect he wasn't telling the truth, I ask him to please be honest and he assures me he is. Thus was last weekend.

    I hate myself for checking, but I just had to be certain and I checked the history and see he's not stopped using at all. He's watching it daily, multiple times a day. I confront him again, and he lies. It's only when I tell him I know he's lying he admits it.

    I'm totally in love with this guy. We are amazing together. But this has hurt me so much and it's completely killed the trust I had. How will I ever know if he's telling the truth when he flat out lies to my face?

    I'd really appreciate some advice, or even just how other partners in the same situation have dealt with this.
     
  2. Lemony

    Lemony Fapstronaut

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    Gosh, I'm just reading my own message. I'm sure it's pretty much the same story as everyone else's.

    I think the big part of my problem is that my ex had anger issues and I forgave him way too many times.

    The difference this time is that I truly love this guy, until this, there was not even a doubt that he was my soul mate.
     
  3. The Lone Ranger

    The Lone Ranger Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for sharing. There is much to talk about and I hope you will have much response from people more wise than me. I have a comment about the trust issue only.

    I’m a PA going back to the age of eight. This has always been my weakness and dark secret that doesn’t rhyme with the rest of my life. Sharing the same unhealthy habit with your boyfriend. I believe the lies around his addiction isn’t necessarily representative for the rest of his personality. In my case I live up to the picture of the person I want to be, when it comes to the relationship with my SO. In every way except for the use of P. I never lie or withholds the truth, not even in small unimportant areas of life. My guts says that if you truly have a good feeling about your relationship and the person he is - that’s probably how it actually is. This P-matter is in a way separate from the rest of him. Like a breach he doesn’t now how to handle. Overwhelmingly it makes him lie.

    I’m just pondering on here. Off course I don’t know you and I’m not trying to tell you what to thing or feel, just some personal input.

    Hope for the best for the two of you!
     
    Trigirl78 likes this.
  4. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    I’m a spouse of a PA. I TRUSTED and BELIEVED his words. He said he wanted to get better. To stop the porn, work on his issues and heal our relationship. I arranged for therapy, looked up the SA information, set boundaries, asked him to take a 3 month leave of absence from work and he did, and he responded appropriately. He said he would do all of it...and he did.
    I thought we were progressing, but I was lied to he was getting deeper than ever...all behind my back. I trusted an addict... As soon as the three months were up and real work was beginning he abandoned me.
    My advise watch actions...which one of you is carrying the responsibility of his addiction, cause if you are making appointments, seeking out help for him..then you are carrying the burden and it’s not yours. If he wants you he has to seek out appropriate treatment and follow through. Lying is emotional abuse and it’s doesn't matter how much you love someone you darn well better love your self more than to accept half truths, lies or lies by omission. I didn’t and now I’m paying the price.
     
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  5. Lemony

    Lemony Fapstronaut

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    Thank you @loneranger808
    That's an interesting perspective. He really is fantastic in every other way. It's not like it was with my ex, where deep down I knew it wasn't right.

    I just don't understand why he is hiding it from me, I didn't flip out and I said I'd support him.
     
  6. Lemony

    Lemony Fapstronaut

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    @Lostneverland you're right...I can't take responsibility for this. It has to be him. Either he wants to give up. Or he doesn't. All I can do is state my position but he needs to own his actions.

    The fact he has flat out lied to my on two occasions kills me. He continued to lie and made an effort to cover his tracks after the first time, and then continued to lie until I showed him specific evidence where he could no longer deny it.

    It doesn't help that porn is so normalised in society now. Part of me feels like I'm making a problem and 'every guy does it' so I should get over it. But it's heart breaking to think he is 'going for a shower', leaving me still in bed, when really it's to watch porn.
     
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  7. Trigirl78

    Trigirl78 Fapstronaut

    I’m a partner of a PA and I can say the lying like mentioned above is due to his addiction and not necessarily about his personality or how he feels about you.
    It’s just he’s deeply affected and needs to understand his addiction before he can make any changes or promises to you as it’s preparing for failure. He wants to stop I bet, and he wants to be truthful but this addiction is gripping and much more than we realise at times.

    Like mentioned above get him to understand it, and then come to you with his recovery plan.
    I spent way too much time and energy trying to resolve it for my SO but ultimately they have to sort their own shit out!!!!

    For now, keep hopes & expectations low, until his actions start to install faith in his recovery. Simply declaring to stop will not work .
     
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  8. I can only answer from my own experience here, but I'd be willing to bet that he hides it because he's ashamed and scared that he can't control it. He's very likely tried to stop watching but it does much deeper things to the mind than one initially thinks. It seems like a simple behavioural modification at first but it's a fully functioning addiction in the same way as alcohol and illicit drug abuse.

    Maybe you could recommend he reads resources like www.yourbrainonporn.com and https://fightthenewdrug.org/ to learn more about the effect it has on the brain and why it's so hard to stop, and most importantly, the industry itself and how it is not harmless entertainment or release like people are often told.
     
  9. Reborn16

    Reborn16 Fapstronaut

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    You know Terry Crews was addicted to porn? I didn't believe it, but I looked it up and he made videos about it... Anyways, in one video he explains when his wife found out, she gave him an ultimatum. She moved out, and would only get back with him if he was able to give up the habit.

    As a PA, what this illuminated is that we usually need something significant to provoke us to want to change.

    If we're too comfortable, it's very hard to give this up.

    For me, I'm single but I have my own personal goals that I know will be a lot harder to achieve as a PA. This is my fuel to strive for change.

    Now to be frank I'm not that experienced with relationships, but I just want to say we really need a 'wake up' moment. A moment where we're at the crossroads, if you will.

    When he realises there's two different lives ahead of him, perhaps one without you, I believe it is only then he will really want to change.
     
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  10. Lemony

    Lemony Fapstronaut

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    Yes @Dakshinamurti I think he is probably ashamed. I hope he is strong enough to be able to recognise the problem and the damage it's doing. I will mention the sites you've recommended.

    @Trigirl78 how has your partner been getting on? Another thing I'm worried about is turning into a crazy girlfriend. I'm generally very trusting, I don't check up on my partner, I've never had reason to before. But already this is eating away at me, thinking about what is he doing, is he really just using the bathroom, finding myself wanting to check computer history. It's making me feel anxious and on edge when I never have before. I really don't want to turn into that crazy girl or who's always asking: "Have you watched P today?"
     
  11. Lemony

    Lemony Fapstronaut

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    @Reborn16 thank you, I'll look up Terry Crews videos. Sadly, I know that lying is a deal breaker for me. I can help an support an addict. But if he lies to me again it will be over. I will have to make this clear to him so he understands the seriousness of the situation and the hurt.

    I'm pretty devastated as until now I had no doubts that I would marry this guy in the next year or two. But with no trust, there is no relationship.
     
  12. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    You’re correct...no trust no relationship. For me trust is more important than love. You can always love a person, but once trust is gone..the relationship will never be the same again.
     
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  13. Reborn16

    Reborn16 Fapstronaut

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    I kind of want to follow up on my other comment.

    I'm learning a lot, but this made me think of another video (this time a ted talk), about how we view and treat addiction.

    Perhaps it is a fine balance to remind our loved ones that we need trust, but that we also will support them through their struggles.

    I'll leave the link though in case you're interested.
     
  14. Lemony

    Lemony Fapstronaut

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    @Reborn16 thank you, that's an interesting perspective. My partner and I finally got to have a proper talk last night. His work shifts are very varied and a trigger is definitely when he's at home alone and bored. It was good to get everything in the open. The next steps are for him to think about a plan, and what he can do in the time when he knows it's going to be difficult. I've told him that I can support his recovery and I'll be there for him, but he does need to be open with me. I know it'll be particularly difficult when he's at home alone, he likes he's own company and doesn't have any friends. The gym will help, but I know it won't fill all the time. These are things he needs to think about.
     
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