New Here. Excited. Very thankful already!

Hello everyone. So first off let me say that I am experiencing a degree of joy as I write this, simply because I am writing this. I am thankful for this community that is already here, willing to be transparent and humble, willing to listen, willing to offer help without judgment.

So I have gone 30 days without twice. I've done, I dunno, maybe 4 or 5 21-day streaks? So yeah I have been attempting this for about a year and cannot seem to break the 30 day. In that time I have learned things and come to many necessary realizations, often in those moments it is when I was tempted to relapse. These realizations, as many of you know, can be quite painful - but they are necessary and for the good in the end.

Currently I am at 7 days and I plan to be done with this stuff forever. I wanted to discuss my situation with you guys. I plan to go monk mode. Currently I work and go to school full time taking accelerated courses. My job is incredibly unfulfilling and unchallenging. About 7 years ago, I had a turning point in my life where I came into contact with God, recognized my addiction, and realized I wanted to leave my career (personal training and rehab/rehabilitation) in the same moment. I made a clean break for it, because although I was self-employed, working from my town house and paid very well, who I was had become totally bankrupt and a lot of the darkness in me was associated with my career (lust, insecurity, power, chasing experiences, freedom and material goods at the expense of people and true life and purpose).

Fast forward through some hard times involving homelessness, jail, isolation, confusion, major regret and entry level job positions in my late twenties and thirties, among other things, I have gotten to a place of clarity, groundedness and self-identity that I have not had in literally almost two decades.

Now to the current details (sorry for all this info, I want to be as transparent and informative as possible for my own sake and yours), I am trying to figure out the best ways to come into contact with living again during Covid-19 circumstances, in a one-red light town, while having to deal with a shoulder injury that causes constant pain and does not really allow for a lot of working out (I was misdiagnosed by an ortho, who when telling me I had a supraspinatus tear actually had a bursa tear. After taking his advice for a few years while seeking help from massage therapists, physical therapists, chiropractors, etc. I finally got an MRI through the VA and found out the bursa is completely gone, 15% of the glenoid fossa is missing and my arm hangs out of joint, while the scapula completely repositions itself to keep my humerus from slipping out of the socket, while the joint itself is bone on bone). I am getting surgery, but when I do I will be without my right arm for three months or so and for that reason I have to hold off the surgery until I graduate. I am using my G.I. Bill to pay for my bachelors and it expires in before Aug, Aug being when I graduate. Currently my life is school, a mindless job, Covid-scenario church and some personal studies that involves historical methodologies, New Testament scholarship, and anthropology/missiology research. I have no hobbies. They used to be working out and singing/music, but my injury is such that it effects working out and even my ability to sing (neck seizes when I push hard vocal range). My living situation is that I live alone in a big house on 20 acres of land, the result of my grand parents passing away. It is not mine, I pay bills but do not own it, and really have no desire to keep it and deal with the headache that an old house and 20 acres of an x-horse farm brings (that and I do not want to live in a backwater podunk town with the living costs of Maryland, I want to travel again - I did a lot of that in the Navy). Temporarily it is not bad, although the size and setting acts as an amplifying chamber at times in dealing with personal battles. There are not really any inviting places to go like cafes with wi-fi to go do school work etc.

If you have made it this far, thank you for your patience. I am not sure what to expect and am just throwing myself out there. Any thoughts would be appreciated. Thanks.

-NCR

 

Thank you for the reply. I'm currently finishing a bachelor's in religious research and am spending about 30 hours a week in biblical studies. I've started bill mounce's paid biblical Greek program but am not pursuing super diligently. I plan to get my M. Div. either in languages or global studies, as my long-term plan is missions. We'll see.

The no thoughts advice is solid. It's the opposite side of the same "renew your mind" coin.