New here. Feeling low.

Hi Tanya,

So sorry you are going through this. As a wife of a sex addict, I can tell you that trusting he will come to you and confess is a lie. I can tell you that this type of man need help, they are addicts!! They have no self control. And if he really wants to change he needs to start taking action and seek professional help. First you need to secure all computers, phones, tv with passwords or programs that can help with this like covenant eyes. Again he needs help, he can not do this by himself. He needs to attend SA meetings at least twice a week and needs to have a accountability partner other than you. He needs to work at this every single day of his life. If you do decide to stick by him, you need to be right next to him and can't leave him alone. You need to choose to trust him (which is a very hard thing to do but it can be done). You need to have open communication daily and being apart is not going to help with that.

 

Welcome to the forum. I understand that you are very confused about what course of action you need to take to get back to 'normal'. There is no rush to make any long term decisions right now and you can always reserve the right to take more drastic action in the future. You bring up many good questions that new members ask and I will attempt to give you some answers and some advice.

Before I start I want to assure you that this problem is not your fault and is not a reflection on the type of person you are. This addiction is incredibly personal and robs the SO of their self-esteem and self-worth. Let me assure you that you are enough, you are valuable, you are beautiful, you are capable, and you are special. You are entitled to react however you need to react. It is not wrong. You are justified in feeling angry, confused, numb, or betrayed. The behaviors he is engaged in is a betrayal! You are not obligated to stay and help. Do not feel guilty if you feel it's too much and decide it's not worth it. It is the addict's responsibility to get help and any help he gets from you is a bonus.

Broken trust is the most obvious casualty after the discovery. Trust is built upon thousands of little acts that make you feels safe and secure with that person. But after the discovery that feeling of safety is stripped away. The foundation for your trust has been removed. You can no longer trust your partner any more than you would a stranger. It can return but only after a lot of work. It is not simply a decision, but a gut feeling after an additional thousand acts of trustworthy behavior. Restoration of trust only happens after concrete, visible steps are being taken to address the issue and effort can be noticed.

It is your choice if you want to stay together and try to recover or if you want to try to get better separately and try again later. For instance, people who are addicted to other substances sometimes need to separate for a period of time to sort out their issues, work on themselves, build new coping skills, and come back in 30/60/90 days and start over. On the other hand, some couples have tried to work together and turned it into a bonding experience as they battle the addiction as a team. There is no right way. Your situation is unique.

It sounds like your SO has a lot of issues that he was medicating with PMO. The depression and anxiety need to be addressed or PMO will always seem to be a desirable outlet. I understand his reluctance to take anti-depressants but is that because of the side effects or is that a pride issue?You also mentioned how he doesn't like to be touched in certain areas... is it truly due to a skin condition or could it be something like aspergers where it's a sensory issue?

Let me assure you that recovery is possible for couples going through this. If the addict does their research, commits to treatment, addresses their unmet emotional needs, and takes responsibility then the odds of success go up. He does not need to be a slave to his desires. Once he addresses those problems then he can be a healthy partner in which to have a meaninful relationship. I wish you and your SO success on your journey.

 

Hi Tania. I can feel the hope (and little desperation) in your message. Like so many of the other SO on this forum, I too have had to be there on the side lines as my partner's secret life unravelled and I fell apart. Everyone's experience of the "disclosure" is different... mine was over a period of 2 months and after having been in a 7 year relationship/living with a man who I had thought was the most ethical, strong, loving man and love of my life.
This month is our "anniversary" of the discovery and each morning I wake up I feel a blow to my stomach as I remember what had happened last year and what I had found. I have lost count of the USB memory sticks, the thousands and thousands of pics and videos saved on 3 different computers and so much more. The memories and the confusion as our relationship started breaking down over the years due to PIED and his cravings for PMO.

The good news for both of us is that he found the "perfect" partner to end that life and start a new one. Don't get me wrong - I suffered (and still suffer) from Post Traumatic Stress. I am in full time therapy and a day doesn't go by without a flashback that I need to control. I still cry in the shower and am constantly triggered and my anxiety levels are hypersensitive. I still struggle with the sound of the computer starting up because every day for over a month it meant finding another folding containing hundreds of folders containing hundreds of files of pictures and videos that will be burnt in my memories forever.

But I understand addiction. I am a psychologist and have a PhD in biochemistry and medicine and my area of speciality research is addiction !!! Oh the irony! So I understand what's going on. The PIED, the withdrawal symptoms, the lies, the loss of identity and SIDS/SUDS (Seemingly Important Decisions / Seemingly Unimportant Decisions) which lead to that youtube video, which leads to a slip, which leads to a relapse. I really really understand the biological underlying mechanisms of addiction and what leads to slips and relapses and the hurt that comes with that - for me and him as the guilt and shame continues. And I understand the power of denial.

So trust the others on this forum. Trust your gut. Remember you are not dealing with a rational mind - this is not the man you think it is. This is addiction - you are talking to and dealing with an addict.

So far, we are making it. We are coming up for a 6 month PMO clean streak after some rough re-starts. We made it through one very short flat-line and a month flat-line and I thought I was going to lose my mind. It was hard to listen to the science and not spin out of control and think he was back on the porn and this was PIED due to that. But this weekend we were back to our intimate relationship and I feel us moving forward.

In case you are curious about what we did to get here and in a place that feels like we are moving forward:
On discovery of everything he agreed to go into full time therapy with an sex-addiction specialist and this continues - originally it was weekly and now it is every two weeks.
He went into full hard reboot for a month and now its just no PMO and the only sexual activity he has is with me. (For the first time in our whole relationship we now have sex with his eyes open!)
I have full access to all devices and nothing has passwords. I am free to check everything, anytime I like without being made to feel guilty. Even if I check his phone 5 times in one night - its ok. No history is to be deleted from any device. And we have software installed on all devices / phones (even mine) - Ever Accountable - which sends me a weekly report of every website or app he has been on. The software records keystrokes and mouse activity and so if he were to use VPN or incognito it would still appear on the report. The report highlights anything suspicious, even headlines in the news. If he uninstalls the programme, takes battery out of the phone or changes sim I get an immediate email to say he has done that. We discuss the reports. It keeps him in check and if he has any temptation to look at anything which would be suspicious he knows I will get it in the report.
I also researched and bought some medication which has been so effective. I wasn't keen on anti-depressants but was concerned about the imbalance of his chemicals due to the addiction. My experience was that we could expect depression and anxiety and some mood swings. Porn has some serious neurological impacts to the pathways as well as the chemicals and he was going to have withdrawal symptoms. So I bought 5HTP for depression, anxiety and sleep and Tyrosine to stabilise and increase the dopamine which had been so hammered by the addiction. The tyrosine was really effective in lifting his mood and got him through the flatline.

Anyway this was supposed to be a short contribution to the forum. Stay strong.

 

First of all, @Tania1974 - I'm sorry you find yourself here w us, yet you found a place where you are among others who "get it." For me, that was huge. Knowing other women who get it.

This is very concerning and I hope he is sharing the suicidal ideation w professionals. Some of the people on this forum know my story, and my hub had been having ideations about suicide 14-15 months ago, and last year on 4/7, he almost successfully killed himself. I stopped the attempt and he is alive today. I don't want to scare you, but it's important to honor those feelings and it's good that your partner told you. My hub didn't tell me. I knew something was really off, but had no clue! This addiction can play heavily into depression (and more). It's dangerous. I believe my hub had a great deal of self-loathing and guilt which didn't help. There were other factors, too, but the sex addiction was a big factor in all of this.

Either way - I hope he at least remains open-minded to what the professionals recommend. Sometimes people need some kind or med (or supplement, or whatever) to help get ver the rough patch.

^^^ Yes. This sounds so familiar to our story. PMO (and sexting, massage parlors, etc.) are truly like a drug in the brain. It's biochemical. It's self-medicating.

Please take care and FYI - there is a private SOs group on here where many women are active too, feel free to join if you'd like. It's under the groups tab.

 

So sorry you are going through this. Sadly there are a lot of us, and the porn addiction problem is only growing. I am also an SO to an addict and I feel your pain. I wish there was more we could say! You are not crazy. You have every right to feel the way you do. It is hard to live with the addict, but keep your standards high, create your boundaries, and look out for signs of improvement. My SO has asked me most of all for patience and understanding... it's really really hard, but if you SO wants to put in the work it will be crucial for you to give YOURSELF some time. Time to process and heal, and don't make any major decisions yet. I am in counseling once a week over this, and I believe it has helped me feel less insane and offered me some direction. If you can, I would highly recommend counseling and building up your support system (talk to trusted friends, etc.). I hope you find some peace and clarity in the coming weeks, and know that we have your back here on the forum.

 

Thank you for detailing what has helped you. I like the idea of Ever Accountable and us having access to each others' devices. I worry though that this creates a co-dependent situation? I already have co-dependent tendencies that this addiction has turned into full blown turmoil... do you feel like you're over-relying on the software to reassure you? I want to bring this up in my own relationship, but I think he will just feel like he's being monitored and I'm parenting him, of course I would rather just trust him, but I don't feel like I can do that. How do you avoid that parent-child dynamic while implementing the software? Do you plan to keep the software forever or is this just a temporary measure?

Ugh. My SO feels that he's doing so well he's over-confident-- and to me this is a recipe for disaster or just plain denial. He went straight into a 90-day PMO reboot (not even S with me) and has had no relapses now 47 days in, and he is seeing a counselor once a week... so I think he feels like he's "cured," and while I am proud of him, I do not feel like a years-long addiction will just go away just like that. AND he says he still has no sex drive so to me that's an indicator that he's in a flatline and definitely not rebooted. It's so hard to tell. How do we know they're making progress?? Am I allowed to ask his counselor? I suppose I could go in there with him at some point... I don't know!!!

 

My humble opinion on monitoring (whether it's for the Internet or whereabouts) --- it helps to re-build trust. What they say and what they do matches = trust. I was lied to for over 15 years and his addiction led him to seek more dopamine (higher risk-taking) and he went to whores for money in real life.

Trust is given when a relationship begins and grows, but when trust is breached, it must be EARNED back.

So --- monitoring his whereabouts is for my safety (HIV and other diseases) and also so I can trust that what he tells me is true. Monitoring of Internet usage isn't forever --- the addict breached your trust, the addict lied, and now the addict is telling you he has quit the behavior you both agree isn't "okay" for your relationship, so it's holding his actions accountable to his words, pure and simple. It shouldn't be forever, but long enough for you to trust his Internet usage again.

Bottom line --- software for monitoring isn't 100% effective and guys can switch to P-subs or fantasy to keep the porn images going in their brain and there is no way we can monitor that at all. They have to truly want to get well and if they value their health and the relationship, they will choose to get well. We can't make them get well. All we can do is set boundaries for ourselves of what we will/won't tolerate.

 

@LizzyBlanca made some great points about what it takes to reestablish trust. The software is there to prevent a relapse in a moment of weakness because a truly determined person can circumvent any restrictions put on them. Installing software and making devices available for inspection creates transparency. It removes the secrecy where addiction festers. It goes hand-in-hand with behaviors like not bringing devices into the bathroom, being on the computer in the presence of others, avoiding being alone when vulnerable. There is a tremendous feeling of freedom that comes to someone who is committed to letting go of an addiction and making themselves open for inspection. That is good and healthy.

From your story it doesn't sound like you are being co-dependent. It sounds like your SO is taking primary responsibility for his recovery. You are not acting as his therapist, policeman, or priest. You are acting as a monitor which is ok unless it is making you paranoid or obsessive. If you were co-dependent then you would be shielding him from the consequences of his behavior but it sounds like he is all-in on his recovery.

If he is 47 days into his recovery then there has absolutely been progress. No one makes it that far without making significant changes in their life. You are right that his reboot is not complete. A former addict needs to also appreciate that they will always be an addict but they will view themselves as in recovery that can end if they are not careful. There is no cure, only long term recovery. It's not cool that he unilaterally decided to have no O's with you. That's a rookie mistake that should have merited a discussion.

I know it's still hard on the SO even when addict is making progress. There is a million things to worry about. Continue to work on things that are in your control such as healing your wounds. If you are focused solely on his recovery then a relapse will destroy you, but if you are working on yourself then you can deal with the consequences more rationally.

Congrats on 47 days. Hopefully he will make it all the way through to recovery.

 

PS-- looking into Ever Accountable... what about when he wants to buy you a gift online or something? Does that come up? No more online birthday shopping I guess?

 

This is really good advice for all SOs/wives.

 

Thank as always for your encouragement @i_wanna_get_better1! I never thought it would be so comforting to talk to people on an internet forum about all this. I do believe my SO is making some progress and he is making efforts to be transparent-- he allowed me to install a blocker on his computer and I have the password to log in to his computer, he leaves his phone unattended regularly (he has always done this), and we are doing FANOS daily, which has helped immensely now that some of the initial shock has worn off. Still-- I will say he gets annoyed with the filters because sometimes they block stuff he wants to access, and then he has to get me to unblock the page (so it creates a bit of a positional or parent-child dynamic that neither of us are a fan of). I've decided for at least the first 90 days we just deal with it. After that, if he wants the password to bypass the blocker and he feels comfortable enough to handle it then I guess I have to try and trust... I still worry he is getting overly confident and I am curious to know what his counselor thinks of his progress. If he doesn't relapse, and this is his first time trying a reboot, and he does meet my conditions/boundaries, I think we may be able to reevaluate after some months which filters are necessary and which are not. I think I will always want some transparency though, and I haven't decided how to move forward in this department. We can cross this bridge when we get to it-- I wish Incognito mode didn't exist.

I should clarify-- we decided on the no PMO for both of us for 90 days. We thought hard mode might help him truly get some distance from the P before re-entering real S... part of him saying he wasn't sure he was attracted to me was that a few weeks into hard mode, he seemed to think that he would be "craving" PMO and S with me, but he wasn't... he wasn't looking at me sexually and generally felt like he had a low libido and was troubled by that. That's why I wish he would read up on P addiction more because he would've been able to dismiss it as "flatline" rather than... "oh, maybe I'm not attracted to my gf anymore,"-- but instead in a bout of honesty he said that to me and I was horrified. He is confused, so I told him I'd like to him to read Your Brain on Porn and he says he will. Yesterday he said he's not seeking out this information because he feels he knows enough to know that P is bad and he doesn't need to know the science behind it-- he has watched the Gary Wilson "Great Porn Experiment" Ted Talk and a few other videos and that seemed to be enough to convince him, and he knew he needed help-- he was the one who wanted to go to counseling after all. He'd rather focus on just quitting (and maybe not obsessing too much), so I want to respect that if his approach is working, he hasn't relapsed, and he feels he gets enough support/information from counseling, then I should back off. On the other hand... it would help our relationship tremendously for him to know more about the mechanisms taking place in his body/mind (especially in the confusion of reboot), and he may even have a bit more understanding of what I'm going through. But he's pulling a stereotypical "stubborn male" persona about it-- which I don't think is particularly helpful, but that's not my choice.

I think a lot of his desire to just push this away by quitting PMO and redirecting his attention without reading too much about it, is the shame associated with it. I am sure he feels disempowered by having to admit to the problem, having to have filters on his devices, and having to "work" for my trust again. BUT. That's just the way it is for now, and I've told him that for me to stay with him I need to see these things in action and I need transparency on his part. He gets it, but he doesn't have to like it.

He has recognized he has very defensive reactions internally when I ask him for reassurance (he may have to go to Vegas for a week without me for a work trip-- this terrifies me), and it makes him frustrated to have to "soothe" my fears... I told him yesterday-- he is allowed to feel defensive and I have every right to question him... what we focus on though, is what moves the relationship forward? Can he reel in his defensiveness while we rebuild trust? To be fair, I'd be worried about a Vegas work trip for a week even without knowing about the P addiction... Vegas is just that kind of place. He is having to deal with a lot of his defensiveness for the sake of the relationship and I think that's hard, but necessary. After all-- he is NOT a bad person, and should not be ashamed of himself. My questioning him makes him feel "bad," but when an alcoholic becomes a different person due to their addiction, they have to take ownership of the damage done while they were indulging. He doesn't seem to grasp that yet. He thinks-- "I'm working on this now, can we move on? Why don't you just trust me?" If only it were that easy.

One of my fears linked to co-dependency is more to do with the "over-reliance" side of things. Overly relying on HIM to make ME feel okay, reassured, validated, less fearful-- right now I NEED this to rebuild trust, but I don't always want to. So I feel that there's a balance between expressing my concerns (Vegas), and being able to soothe myself-- like after years of him showing he is trustworthy, maybe I don't need to ask for reassurance as much and can just have faith in his decision-making. But I'm not there yet, and I don't know that I've ever been so perfectly confident and self-assured to not sometimes need reassurance from my SO. I wish I were that amazing, to not need to rely on some external sources to validate my value as a person, to soothe my fears, but I am just human. I am going to counseling though to work on relying on myself for my own validation-- that I can trust myself and handle anything that comes my way. Still, the comfort that comes from having an SO who is amazingly trustworthy and ethical is so important.

One thing I would like to contribute is John Gottman's "7 Principles of a Successful Marriage" has some helpful ideas about defensiveness-- it is one of the "4 Horseman" that ruins a relationship. I may post somewhere else about this to help SOs dealing with defensiveness the way I am (@GG2002). More on that later... for now I just wanted to thank @i_wanna_get_better1 for the insight-- I appreciate you commenting and offering your side!

 

My wife has described to me how damaging HOPE can be in a relationship with an addict. It's a good quality but when someone is disappointed over and over again then it teaches you to never get your hopes up that things will get better. Eventually you feel like giving up in order to not get hurt anymore. Special events can make the situation worse because the addict's hypocrisy is on full display. There were days where my wife hated me so much she wished I would die at work.

Addicts will often user phrases like 'I'm doing the best I can!' or 'What do you want me to do?' They are often working really hard but on all the wrong things. It can become a never ending loop of trying and failing which ends up reinforcing the idea that the addict cannot ever escape. Meanwhile the SO is sitting on the sidelines watching the addict flail, hurt themselves, and hurt everyone around them.

I'm sorry for your pain and disappointment. I hope you eventually find the answers that bring real change to your relationship.

 

My heart breaks listening to your story. My dad died when I was 9 months old and I ended up growing up without a father figure. But my mum is my best friend and although I missed having a dad, she was more than enough for me. And I can see that you are a great mum too.
Now I have a 17 month old son. I've been with my fiance for over 2.5 years and he has also the same issues as your other half, so I understand exactly what you are feeling. I have been getting hurt over and over again during the last year and 2 months. And I have the same fear and confusion as you do. I would love for my son to have a happy family. But I have been pushed to the end of my rope as well. I even had to fly back home for a month and a half to get away, to heal, to gather strength.
Unfortunately I don't have any answers yet. But I'm thinking of you and hoping we can get through this tough time !

Hugs!

 

Or, "Just tell me what to do," or "Tell me what to say." They need guidance and/or professional help, b/c, yes, they may be trying, but, yes, working on the wrong things.

I ma so sorry you feel this way. I don't know what to say, except I hope you have a professional counselor to share these feelings with, and help support you. People sometimes go through horrid times of great despair, but being dead isn't a solution. I know that probably sounds stupid. My husband (the addict) almost took his life last year, and now he realizes that was a really bad choice.

When we are in such pain, sometimes we just want it to stop. It's not a solution. The emotional pain is hard to bear. Please any in there. Don't let this get the best of you. It's hard.

 

You are not alone! I know how isolating this is. You will feel shame for staying and have to work very very hard, and the same will likely be true if you leave too. Healing is a must, and I know right now that must feel impossible. Where is the light at the end of tunnel?

I read a quote that went something like, "There is not one singular moment in life that is totally unbearable." Live your life moment to moment, day by day, week by week. Get counseling if you can. Get enough sleep, be compassionate with yourself. Tell yourself that in the morning you might just feel a little better, a little clearer.

In time you will know what to do.

 

FB life is pretty fake, really. It's almost like people are "programmed" now to showcase their lives on social media. Blech. No one has a perfect life. No one.

It sure isn't. Whether we stay or go there is damage to both people. I like what @WhoIsThisPerson said ---

--- yep --- this didn't kill us. We can heal; it just never happens at the pace we'd like.