FactInFact
Fapstronaut
Hello everyone!
First of all, thanks for helping me. I really feel this support from people who know what I'm passing through is essential for me to win this game now.
Now, let me talk a little bit about myself: I'm male, 46, Brazilian, married, no kids. My wife is 45 and we've been together since I was 17 yo, so we have 28 years together. I'm a successful IT executive and she is a school teacher.
The story starts when I was around 11 or 12 yo, and as a teenager I started masturbating, naturally, with some highs and lows (more highs, which means, a lot of it). Maybe this was normal, because teenagers really do that a lot, and it didn't seem to be a problem (at that time). Sometimes I use to watch magazines, movies, internet websites. I had my sexual initiation at 15 with a girl, everything was fine. I really thought that the masturbation was helping me have better confidence and self control in sex. At that time I started dating my now spouse, she was a virgin, I respected her and we took about one year to start having sex. Everything pretty normal, good, we were happy.
When I joined college, and I began studying in São Paulo (capital), 2 hours far from my city, and I had to start living in a fraternity. It was not bad as other fraternities I met, but it was a common male "sexualized" environment. Lots of dirty talk, girls coming and going around, P magazines and movies, parties etc. I was still masturbating almost every day, but still not an obsession, pretty normal. And on weekends, when I went back to my city I had sex with my girlfriend, normal. Everything seemed fine.
I guess the problem started when I had contact with an specific fetish that I saw online (BDSM). I kind of got very interested in it. Started really studying about it, and of course, with the fascination around it, also a lot of masturbation. It was exciting to think about it, and I guess the adrenaline of the fantasies were addictive. I even got to the point when me and my girlfriend tried some, we did it, but I don't think she was comfortable with the idea. Besides that, even with me masturbating a lot to P, we were very sexually active and nothing seemed to be a problem.
We got married, started a life together, for many years we had a pretty normal (I think) sex life with some highs and lows, mixed with moments where I use to masturbate more, some less, always around the BDSM fetish. For many years it was always like this. Many times I felt guilty or dirty about this, and I use to successfully quit the practice of watching P for many months and even year, but at some point the relapse came. Guilty again. These relapses always came in situations of frustration, loneliness, possibly as a need to find some "adrenaline".
Around 2011 I began not to feel so aroused by the "normal" stuff, and started looking for "harder" things, and this addiction became an obsession, where many times I use to masturbate 2 or 3 times a day, always looking for more stuff, different stuff. Just to clarify, never things that were so bizarre (against the law), like you must be thinking. But at this point it started affecting my normal life, where I use to spend many hours around this, affecting my work, my daily activities, my relationship (not yet in a sexual matter, but the lack of attention to her), being quiet and lack of attention etc. I use to be a person that always had morning erections, these started reducing (I'm not sure if it's related, or is normal with age).
Many times I saw myself struggling with the guilt and trying to quit. At this moment I started having erection problems, where I had to think about the fetish to get hard, and I kind of missed watching it. It was like I needed to watch it to be functional in my marriage, but at the same time I felt very bad about it, always looking for heavier stuff. At some point the erection problems became worse, insecurity hit me, and I was always oscillating between normal sex and many failure situations. With that the frequency which we had sex reduced, and I use to justify to her that this was due to being stressed, bad eating, being chubby, too much work etc. I felt very bad about it, guilty, but the same time I recurred to P to be able to get hard and masturbate, otherwise I could not get an erection normally, and was afraid of being impotent.
Sex side apart, we aways were good companions to one another, and I really love her (think she does too). We have a history of life together, so probably from all this, and loving me, and not knowing what to do, she was just accepting the fact that we have almost none or few sex relations through an year. This use to make me very bad.
To make it worse, last year I started having some health problems and after an extensive research, for several months, one doctor told me that I could have cancer. It was devastating for the whole family. She was desperate. I was scared and this made everything worse. We continued looking and making more tests, because my results and symptoms did not close to an exact diagnose. After around 8 months of affliction, we got the confirmation that I did not have cancer after all, and it was something else that could easy mistaken as cancer. So it was a huge relief.
All these times that we were together, and she was always on my side, made me fall in love even more for her, and I saw as an opportunity to change all that, reset my sex drive to be back as the man she deserves. I started by dropping porn and dedicate to her. To deal with the erection problem, I started taking Tadalafil and I was able to perform well. But it's not good to depend on that for the rest of my life, right? I was always worried because without the P stimulation, without the Tadalafil I never get erections, even morning erections anymore. Would this be definitive?
Next step was to start researching about this "detox", and here I am. Sorry for the "novel" but I felt I had to tell the whole story. I'm already around 1 week without any PMO, but as a married person I really don't know what to do. If I should wait until I see some physical reaction from my rebooting. If I try to masturbate without P, to see if it helps. If I can keep having sex with her using Tadalafil....
What should I do?
Thanks,
P.
First of all, thanks for helping me. I really feel this support from people who know what I'm passing through is essential for me to win this game now.
Now, let me talk a little bit about myself: I'm male, 46, Brazilian, married, no kids. My wife is 45 and we've been together since I was 17 yo, so we have 28 years together. I'm a successful IT executive and she is a school teacher.
The story starts when I was around 11 or 12 yo, and as a teenager I started masturbating, naturally, with some highs and lows (more highs, which means, a lot of it). Maybe this was normal, because teenagers really do that a lot, and it didn't seem to be a problem (at that time). Sometimes I use to watch magazines, movies, internet websites. I had my sexual initiation at 15 with a girl, everything was fine. I really thought that the masturbation was helping me have better confidence and self control in sex. At that time I started dating my now spouse, she was a virgin, I respected her and we took about one year to start having sex. Everything pretty normal, good, we were happy.
When I joined college, and I began studying in São Paulo (capital), 2 hours far from my city, and I had to start living in a fraternity. It was not bad as other fraternities I met, but it was a common male "sexualized" environment. Lots of dirty talk, girls coming and going around, P magazines and movies, parties etc. I was still masturbating almost every day, but still not an obsession, pretty normal. And on weekends, when I went back to my city I had sex with my girlfriend, normal. Everything seemed fine.
I guess the problem started when I had contact with an specific fetish that I saw online (BDSM). I kind of got very interested in it. Started really studying about it, and of course, with the fascination around it, also a lot of masturbation. It was exciting to think about it, and I guess the adrenaline of the fantasies were addictive. I even got to the point when me and my girlfriend tried some, we did it, but I don't think she was comfortable with the idea. Besides that, even with me masturbating a lot to P, we were very sexually active and nothing seemed to be a problem.
We got married, started a life together, for many years we had a pretty normal (I think) sex life with some highs and lows, mixed with moments where I use to masturbate more, some less, always around the BDSM fetish. For many years it was always like this. Many times I felt guilty or dirty about this, and I use to successfully quit the practice of watching P for many months and even year, but at some point the relapse came. Guilty again. These relapses always came in situations of frustration, loneliness, possibly as a need to find some "adrenaline".
Around 2011 I began not to feel so aroused by the "normal" stuff, and started looking for "harder" things, and this addiction became an obsession, where many times I use to masturbate 2 or 3 times a day, always looking for more stuff, different stuff. Just to clarify, never things that were so bizarre (against the law), like you must be thinking. But at this point it started affecting my normal life, where I use to spend many hours around this, affecting my work, my daily activities, my relationship (not yet in a sexual matter, but the lack of attention to her), being quiet and lack of attention etc. I use to be a person that always had morning erections, these started reducing (I'm not sure if it's related, or is normal with age).
Many times I saw myself struggling with the guilt and trying to quit. At this moment I started having erection problems, where I had to think about the fetish to get hard, and I kind of missed watching it. It was like I needed to watch it to be functional in my marriage, but at the same time I felt very bad about it, always looking for heavier stuff. At some point the erection problems became worse, insecurity hit me, and I was always oscillating between normal sex and many failure situations. With that the frequency which we had sex reduced, and I use to justify to her that this was due to being stressed, bad eating, being chubby, too much work etc. I felt very bad about it, guilty, but the same time I recurred to P to be able to get hard and masturbate, otherwise I could not get an erection normally, and was afraid of being impotent.
Sex side apart, we aways were good companions to one another, and I really love her (think she does too). We have a history of life together, so probably from all this, and loving me, and not knowing what to do, she was just accepting the fact that we have almost none or few sex relations through an year. This use to make me very bad.
To make it worse, last year I started having some health problems and after an extensive research, for several months, one doctor told me that I could have cancer. It was devastating for the whole family. She was desperate. I was scared and this made everything worse. We continued looking and making more tests, because my results and symptoms did not close to an exact diagnose. After around 8 months of affliction, we got the confirmation that I did not have cancer after all, and it was something else that could easy mistaken as cancer. So it was a huge relief.
All these times that we were together, and she was always on my side, made me fall in love even more for her, and I saw as an opportunity to change all that, reset my sex drive to be back as the man she deserves. I started by dropping porn and dedicate to her. To deal with the erection problem, I started taking Tadalafil and I was able to perform well. But it's not good to depend on that for the rest of my life, right? I was always worried because without the P stimulation, without the Tadalafil I never get erections, even morning erections anymore. Would this be definitive?
Next step was to start researching about this "detox", and here I am. Sorry for the "novel" but I felt I had to tell the whole story. I'm already around 1 week without any PMO, but as a married person I really don't know what to do. If I should wait until I see some physical reaction from my rebooting. If I try to masturbate without P, to see if it helps. If I can keep having sex with her using Tadalafil....
What should I do?
Thanks,
P.
