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New here hard to stop

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by Exit To Freedom, Jul 9, 2017.

  1. Exit To Freedom

    Exit To Freedom Fapstronaut

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    Hi, I've browsed the forum a few times to get some info. I don't know if I'm hardcore as far as escalating behavior or frequency, maybe just 2 or 3 times a week and the routine is always the same. The thing is, I've realized pretty much that my shaming self image that I've carried around since childhood is all based around sex and the repercussions. Without going into too much detail, when I was young I masturbated outside and couldn't help it, didn't expose myself to people but took some risks. The urge was overpowering. I sometimes get the feeling I was abused when I was very young, as there is a voice that taunts me about it, but I have no real memories. And actually no memories of my Mom and Dad together when they were married before they divorced, totally repressed, they divorced when I was 9. I am now much older, probably a lot older than a lot here, but masturbation and porn still are an irresistible urge, even when I've suffered the consequences over and over, and they are always the same. Recrimination, guilt, shame, low self esteem, irritability and rage which all have to pass and then it's back to stage one. After looking here I had some hope and was convinced I would see this through, but after a hangover from drinking the night before, I gave in without a second thought, clouded judgement. I hate feeling this way, because it's the same whipping post from the inner critic inside me over and over, yes the definition of insanity. Hope to learn something here and somehow get through this. I was feeling a sense of what freedom could look like inside without that insane inner critic that is so tied to the aftermath of the act. Thought it would be simpler but it's not. I've tried to rationalize it over and over by saying it's not that much and everyone does it but it's become my own personal hell.
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  2. Halcyon88

    Halcyon88 Fapstronaut

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    Welcome, and congratulations for sharing your story, that can't have been easy.

    I, and I'm sure many others here, understand your feelings. That inner critic is the worst, and so incessant. Try to remember that you are the one in control though - you made a positive first step in joining here, and that's something your inner critic cannot take away from you.

    Good luck with your journey, I hope it goes well for you.
     
    Willing likes this.
  3. Protagoras

    Protagoras Fapstronaut

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    Kudos for taking gen step and joining here. There is lots of encouragement to be found from journals and sharing with others. I am cheering for you.
     
    Willing likes this.
  4. Exit To Freedom

    Exit To Freedom Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for the feedback, I look forward to getting inspiration and learn about this journey. Easier said than done.
     
  5. Willing

    Willing Fapstronaut

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    We all find ways to rationalize our behavior. It's not that bad, I can stop, it's good for my prostate. I have used them all. Congrats for taking this journey!
    Will
     
  6. Exit To Freedom

    Exit To Freedom Fapstronaut

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    Somehow I need the freedom I can imagine, I haven't faced going down this road before, just constantly struggled with the helplessness that comes when you've realized you've done it again. You can rationalize it and push it away all you want but it's not the thoughts, but overwhelming feelings of shame that I know are coming my way again, and I'm angry at the whole world but especially at myself. I don't spend hours and hours or escalate the fantasy and need more. It doesn't matter however. Ten minutes of pleasure and relief from anxiety turn into a day or two of self loathing and the inability to get anything done. I have many artistic talents but this is a creativity killer. Even though it may not be extreme compared to some, again it just doesn't matter. I hope I can have the strength to do this and share more of my journey as I gain knowledge of what others have gone through here.
     
    Halcyon88 and Willing like this.
  7. Exit To Freedom

    Exit To Freedom Fapstronaut

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    So this is how it goes, there is the doing, the shame and remorse, the cessation and temporary peace when that has subsided, convinced I can resist next time because of the bad feelings. But then there is something else. Since I have gone through my bad feelings and am feeling better, the urge insidiously builds, comes back and makes a case for doing it again, and the "other side" (is it devilish, human nature, yin and yang) seems to take over and want that seemingly taboo pleasure again. I'll be honest, when I'm in this frame of mind I lose perspective, I can't seem to help checking out hot women, the burned in images that have come from porn produce a perverse kind of excitement that I know is wrong but it's very compelling and hard to control.

    I've admitted to myself when I've let that other side run free, that I love to look at naked women and their bodies up close with no inhibition, and feel like I want to f#%^ them all. Unfortunately it comes with the same dire consequence each time when I give in and later ask myself what I did to make my life better instead of self indulging and feeling like a lowly POS.

    I'll have to admit I'm on that precipice now. Last night in my dream was a very pleasant attractive woman I had never seen before, and somehow she was inviting me in to her space as she disrobed and I could see her body up close in graphic detail. I didn't do anything with her in the dream, just woke up with what felt like a pleasant memory. Then after awakening this morning and laying in bed, I saw more and more images that I've seen over and over again that were stimulating. Did not act on anything. I went to the dollar store and there was a new woman working there with a gorgeous body that I discreetly glanced a few times at, and so it builds along with the cute young girl with the kind of teen body you see on these sites who helped me later at another store.

    Wow, do I sound perverted! When "Yang" takes over ( isn't that an excuse?) I could visit here and say what am I doing here, this is ridiculous! Rationalization once again. Yang certainly wishes he could do as he pleases without any consequences, he calls it freedom of choice without any fallout. But Yin is the one that always deals with Yangs actions (am I schizophrenic? I'm not sure, maybe another rationalization) and the fallout unfortunately is always very real and full of pain for Yin (yes they seem very separate).

    I am on the verge which is why I'm here right now, and hope tomorrow I can come back and say I got through another day. The images, urges, sensations and wanting to do it regardless are such a fine easy line to cross and then all hell breaks loose again. I need the strength and support to continue this journey even though now it is still in it's infancy - damn wish I could do it without remorse, but it's always been the same.
     
    Mapps and Halcyon88 like this.
  8. Halcyon88

    Halcyon88 Fapstronaut

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    You've turned to the right place for support, so well done for doing that rather than trying to brave it alone.

    Addiction is, by its very definition, tough. We don't get addicted to things that are actively painful to us. Well...most of us! So there's no shame or cowardice in admitting you're struggling. We are all struggling here, so all of us can sympathise to a degree.

    Focus on how you want to live your life, not how you've already been living it. Dwelling in the past never helps us, but working towards a happier future will do. You can't undo your past but you can learn from it and start again.

    Wish you all the best of luck mate. You can do this!
     
  9. Exit To Freedom

    Exit To Freedom Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for the inspiration, good positive advice from you. It comes down to lust pure and simple however powerful it may feel. I'll keep coming back.
     
    Halcyon88 likes this.
  10. Exit To Freedom

    Exit To Freedom Fapstronaut

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    This has been a rude awakening. My wife came all the way over from Germany to marry me, and we went through hell and back to be together, with flights back and forth and an immigration lawyer for 6 years, but somehow we made it. A long distance relationship is not easy, and we got through it.

    Now I feel I've sabotaged my marriage with this lust, and the romance and special things we shared when we visited each other I've sabotaged. But then I feel I've sabotaged my life right from the beginning, whenever that started. The beginning must have been as a child when someone abused me, and from that point on I lost all sense of purpose and vowed to make myself suffer for what someone else had done. Because I was young, and now I'm bordering on old and I'm still involved in that, and what seems so tame in a society full of sex with anything you want at anytime with the immediate gratification is so damaging even at a lower level than some.

    There it is again, that rationalization, but it will come back to remind me of how I learned to cope. This is major stuff, I never had a relationship for long term, I always found a way to destroy love. Can't do it this time. I'm on a night where I'm drinking and have done some weed (is it allowed to be mentioned here).

    So tonight I was honest with my wife, she has actually said she's ok with porn and masturbation, as long as I get close to her, which I've been very good at avoiding. I don't think I can have the best of both worlds with the way I grew up and the way I repressed myself, and the way I sometimes imagine or can hear from a deeper level that I was raped by a man when I was young. It would be less important if I could somehow accept it and give my wife what she needs too.

    I just know that I had to share with her what's going on, because she is a patient person, especially with my fishing trips, and I have to find a way to not continue to let her down. I was more brokenhearted than I'd ever been before when she and I split up three times during our long term relationship because it was too hard for her. I always fought to come back, and in the end it gave her her own will to change her mind. But first I had to let go of her, because she had already given up, I didn't let her go to see if she would come back, I let go of her because she left me no choice.

    Why continue to obsess about something that only brings you pain. I say this because when I let go she eventually came back. And now I need to let go of this need to constantly want to f#%^ almost any woman I see under 50 years old. It's a real sickness and I'm tired of thinking about how hot women are. I could lose my marriage. That is more sober, a big slap in the face that I really need. I'm facing my past self, and somehow I have to let my future self take over from here.
     
    Last edited: Jul 12, 2017
    Protagoras likes this.
  11. Exit To Freedom

    Exit To Freedom Fapstronaut

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    It hasn't been such a hard journey so far, but I know I need to take it a day at a time. So far the benefits are higher self esteem, less obsession with my bad moods which were triggered by PMO, and energy to focus on other things I've wanted to get done, more of a normal life. I'm also aware especially when I'm shopping that there are hot desirable women all around me, but it's not important to me now to ogle at them in lust. Now they are just people and I can let them pass by. I've realized that even though I was only several times a week and didn't escalate it, it was bad for me, still an addiction. And I realize that there are many who can do it without feeling addicted, and more power to them. Wish it was me, but it's not and I'm ok with that.
     

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