New here. I'm not a very good SO.

S

sofar_sofar

New Fapstronaut
I’m not a very good SO to my PA fiance. He’s trying. He’s making/made huge changes. It’s been somewhere around 75 days since D-day and since he’s been PM-free.

I still find it so hard not to be resentful— blaming him for how I’ve allowed myself to deteriorate in self-confidence and spirit. I feel so discouraged. I feel like I’ll never measure up to what he’s experienced.
Two years ago, in the beginning of our relationship (before I knew about P and before the addiction really got bad) I was all about women rockin’ what they got. I felt like I was one of them and didn’t feel threatened at all. He said in the beginning other women weren’t distracting because he would look at them and think, “psh, peanuts” compared to me. And now everywhere we go I see him struggling to stay focused on any conversation when there’s another woman around. And it’s made me hyper-aware and hyper-anxious of other women. Yet, when I’m playful and flirty or looking my best, it feels like he’s looking right through me. I snuggle and try to start kissing him and he practically yawns and says he needs to go take his vitamins.
I’m overly sensitive, I know. I’m coming out of a year of him rejecting me sexually and using porn instead, so yeah. I’m sensitive.

Everything is complicated by being new parents and navigating careers. It’s all stressful. It’s all isolating. It’s all tiring. It feels like there’s no time for rebuilding a relationship— sexual or otherwise. I feel like I’m peanuts now compared to everyone else.
We have sex on his terms— when he wants it. I feel like I’m not even the reason he wants to have sex. I’m suspicious that he’s triggered from something/one else. I know. I’m crazy. I’m trying to self-talk my way out of it but it’s really hard to stop feeling the way you feel. And I feel like a lesser version of myself. And I hate that I’ve placed my value in his hands. That I can’t find myself sexy if he doesn’t.
I feel hopeless.
And alone.
Someone tell me this shit gets easier.
 
sofar_sofar said:
I’m not a very good SO to my PA fiance. He’s trying. He’s making/made huge changes. It’s been somewhere around 75 days since D-day and since he’s been PM-free.

I still find it so hard not to be resentful— blaming him for how I’ve allowed myself to deteriorate in self-confidence and spirit. I feel so discouraged. I feel like I’ll never measure up to what he’s experienced.
Two years ago, in the beginning of our relationship (before I knew about P and before the addiction really got bad) I was all about women rockin’ what they got. I felt like I was one of them and didn’t feel threatened at all. He said in the beginning other women weren’t distracting because he would look at them and think, “psh, peanuts” compared to me. And now everywhere we go I see him struggling to stay focused on any conversation when there’s another woman around. And it’s made me hyper-aware and hyper-anxious of other women. Yet, when I’m playful and flirty or looking my best, it feels like he’s looking right through me. I snuggle and try to start kissing him and he practically yawns and says he needs to go take his vitamins.
I’m overly sensitive, I know. I’m coming out of a year of him rejecting me sexually and using porn instead, so yeah. I’m sensitive.

Everything is complicated by being new parents and navigating careers. It’s all stressful. It’s all isolating. It’s all tiring. It feels like there’s no time for rebuilding a relationship— sexual or otherwise. I feel like I’m peanuts now compared to everyone else.
We have sex on his terms— when he wants it. I feel like I’m not even the reason he wants to have sex. I’m suspicious that he’s triggered from something/one else. I know. I’m crazy. I’m trying to self-talk my way out of it but it’s really hard to stop feeling the way you feel. And I feel like a lesser version of myself. And I hate that I’ve placed my value in his hands. That I can’t find myself sexy if he doesn’t.
I feel hopeless.
And alone.
Someone tell me this shit gets easier.
Click to expand...
Hi Welcome to the forum. No you are not crazy. Many of us SOs can relate with your exact circumstances and feelings about yourself, your PA, your sexual experiences..just all of it! Do not let this ruin you. You are beautiful and worthy of all the love and attention that P has taken from you. Try your best not to become consumed by his addiction. I know that is easier said than done but honestly it's his to own and change. The best thing for you is do as much loving on yourself as possible. Do things for you! Go shopping, get your nails done, massage, go our w your girls and have fun...whatever it is that helps you feel empowered just a little. If you think therapy would be helpful for you, you may want to look into that as well. This forum can also help to answer questions you might have. you can read other SO & PA journals to get a better understanding of what other are experiencing. You'll probably find their story's closely relate to your own.

Just remember to love yourself and set boundaries to protect yourself.
 
sofar_sofar said:
I’m not a very good SO to my PA fiance. He’s trying. He’s making/made huge changes. It’s been somewhere around 75 days since D-day and since he’s been PM-free.

I still find it so hard not to be resentful— blaming him for how I’ve allowed myself to deteriorate in self-confidence and spirit. I feel so discouraged. I feel like I’ll never measure up to what he’s experienced.
Two years ago, in the beginning of our relationship (before I knew about P and before the addiction really got bad) I was all about women rockin’ what they got. I felt like I was one of them and didn’t feel threatened at all. He said in the beginning other women weren’t distracting because he would look at them and think, “psh, peanuts” compared to me. And now everywhere we go I see him struggling to stay focused on any conversation when there’s another woman around. And it’s made me hyper-aware and hyper-anxious of other women. Yet, when I’m playful and flirty or looking my best, it feels like he’s looking right through me. I snuggle and try to start kissing him and he practically yawns and says he needs to go take his vitamins.
I’m overly sensitive, I know. I’m coming out of a year of him rejecting me sexually and using porn instead, so yeah. I’m sensitive.

Everything is complicated by being new parents and navigating careers. It’s all stressful. It’s all isolating. It’s all tiring. It feels like there’s no time for rebuilding a relationship— sexual or otherwise. I feel like I’m peanuts now compared to everyone else.
We have sex on his terms— when he wants it. I feel like I’m not even the reason he wants to have sex. I’m suspicious that he’s triggered from something/one else. I know. I’m crazy. I’m trying to self-talk my way out of it but it’s really hard to stop feeling the way you feel. And I feel like a lesser version of myself. And I hate that I’ve placed my value in his hands. That I can’t find myself sexy if he doesn’t.
I feel hopeless.
And alone.
Someone tell me this shit gets easier.
Click to expand...
You are in the right place. We all either have been where you are, or are still in the same situation. You are going through betrayal trauma and/or depression caused by his PA. Don't think of yourself as bad or shame yourself. It's all normal what you're feeling and experiencing. Take each day at a time to try to take care of yourself. Sleep lots! Eat well. Go outside... by yourself, somewhere in nature. Breathe deeply. Talk to a friend, or an animal. Or come talk here. We understand.

I used to be a poster girl for confidence... now I have not changed my clothes in two weeks and my oldest son told me I smelled badly (even though I wash myself... but the clothes were sweaty). Yes, it's a depression and trauma. I feel like I was not only betrayed sexually - I feel like I completely lost myself, the real me, the confident and happy me.

Now I am in trauma therapy (for both childhood issues and the latest PA-related trauma). I still have hope. We're still together. Everyday life sucks! But he is a good guy with his own issues he has to work through.

And... Welcome to the forum!!! :)
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top